


Sanctum Sanctorum

by chase_the_fox007



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - BDSM, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Slavery, Asexual Peter Pettigrew, BDSM, Bondage, Bottom James Potter, Bottom Sirius Black, Consensual Kink, Consensual Sex, Crack Treated Seriously, Dom Remus Lupin, Dom/sub, Dubious Morality, Gay Sirius Black, Kink Negotiation, M/M, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Multi, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Past Domestic Violence, Petplay, Praise Kink, Recreational Drug Use, References to Drugs, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Slavery, Size Kink, Top Remus Lupin, Trans Male Character, Trans Sirius Black, Youtuber Lily Evans, i mean idk, rockstar Sirius, submissive sirius black
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2021-02-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:42:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 53,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23691796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chase_the_fox007/pseuds/chase_the_fox007
Summary: Sanctum Sanctorum - the holiest of holy places. A very private or highly secret place or area of activity.Around two years ago, the laws in America changed. It is illegal to exist in the country as an adult without being registered as an owner, or as property. Other countries have been protesting the bizarre laws since they were first proposed, and things are quickly changing in the country since they were passed.Sirius Black, newly famous lead singer of the rock band Grimm, keeps a lot of secrets. No one knows he's trans, no one knows he's gay, and no one in the world knows that he's a submissive. Well, apart from Remus Lupin, a wealthy young fetish company owner and dominant he met at a party in LA four years ago. A dominant who he's been talking to secretly ever since, and a dominant who Sirius wants nothing more than to be owned by.When Sirius suddenly leaves home and flies to the states without telling anyone, no one understands why. But Sirius's life is about to get far more interesting than he's ever dreamed.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/James Potter
Comments: 36
Kudos: 127





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER BECAUSE I'M PARANOID: This is primarily a kinky porn fic. It's not meant to be completely realistic, and obviously these 'laws' are completely made up for the sake of the fantasy. I don't condone actually legally owning people, I don't think actual abuse is exciting in any way shape or form, I just thought I'd make that clear. This only exists because my fantasies are very weird and very detailed and I thought it would be fun to write some of it down in the form of a fanfic, so yeah.
> 
> Also, trans Sirius is hot (and I'm also trans so writing characters I can relate to is cool).
> 
> I've never written the Marauders before so I'm a little paranoid and this fic starts somewhat slowly, but I hope y'all enjoy it!!  
> Also sorry for any mistakes, as per usual I don't have a beta reader or anything so it's just me reading through things 2345968 times before uploading
> 
> Also I'll be uploading chapters for this probably relatively slowly, just because I'm way too much of a perfectionist for my own good and no matter what I do I probably won't think it's good enough, but I still wanna upload it here so aaaaaaaaa

The last chord that rang out from the huge speakers onstage echoed in Sirius's ears, the bass of the sound vibrating in his ribcage, as the crowd before him burst into screams and cheers. Sirius laughed, stepping back from the mic and pushing his hair out of his face, breathless.

"Alright, thanks for having us guys!" He called over the noise, grinning. "And just an FYI, this'll be our last show in a while, so we really appreciate you coming out to support us tonight!"

Backstage was rather cramped, as Sirius set his guitar down and turned to look at his three - very unimpressed-looking - bandmates.

"What?"

"What did you mean, 'this'll be our last show in a while'?" Asked Gilderoy sharply, arms crossed. "You never mentioned this before. We only started blowing up recently, we can't just stop doing shows!"

Sirius had to stop himself from rolling his eyes; he'd never particularly gotten along with the keyboard player - a bit too pompous and prissy for his liking - but he supposed the other had a point.

"Well, I just... I might be moving house soon, like really soon," he said, shrugging in a way that he hoped was nonchalant. "So, you know, I won't be able to tour for a bit, or whatever."

Gilderoy narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Davey, their drummer, seemed understandably caught off-guard. Their bassist Dorcas was checking her phone, though Sirius could tell she wasn't actually doing anything on it and just wanted to act casual. She was probably the bandmate Sirius was closest to, so he had a feeling she'd be wanting an explanation in private later on. 

"Moving? Why?" Davey asked with a laugh. "That mansion not big enough for you already? Didn't you only move in there a few months ago?"

Sirius snorted, moving past them and through the door to the greenroom. He wanted to leave the building, get some space. But he knew fans would be swarming the backstage doors and honestly, he didn't have the energy to deal with it tonight.

"It's not a mansion," he retorted, dropping onto one of the sofas and splaying out comfortably. "It's just... Not really _me_ , you know? I need a change."

"You moving anywhere far?" Dorcas asked, moving Sirius's legs so she could sit on the sofa too. Her expression was curious, but Sirius knew Dorcas wasn't going to probe too much, not while they were with the others. He shrugged.

"Sort of. Not really."

"That doesn't even make sense." Gilderoy rolled his eyes in annoyance. "I'm going to my dressing room, I don't want to deal with this rubbish right now after a good set."

Sirius watched him leave, then decided to call after him. "Go sign some stuff at the back door, I'm having a night off!" Dorcas raised an eyebrow at him.

"Since when do you not hog the spotlight?" She asked. "Usually you're the first one out there."

Sirius shrugged. "Eh, it's just an off night," he said, reaching over to the coffee table where he'd left his phone. "Anyway, Lockhart should be happy; isn't he always saying we picked the wrong person to be a frontman?"

"Guess so," muttered Davey, slipping his own phone from his pocket and making a small noise, reading something on the screen. "Apparently we took in more refugees today," he said. Dorcas looked over. Sirius just stared at his own phone.

"How many?" Asked Dorcas.

"Fifty, just today."

"God..." Dorcas sat back, expression concerned. "Can you even imagine being in that situation?"

Davey grunted. "Fuckin' laws are crazy. Who knew slavery'd be back in America in this day an' age?"

"And to think we were going to be touring there at some point!"

Sirius hummed in quiet agreement, brow furrowed. "Can you even go there anymore, like as a tourist?" He asked. Davey shrugged.

"Dunno, man."

"I'm pretty sure they force you to register yourself as a slave or something," said Dorcas, clearly riled by the situation. "It's fucking awful, the whole thing is sketchy as hell. I heard some artists are doing shows there by internet, like a video call but on huge screens in stadiums and stuff. I haven't heard of anyone actually going there, though. I can't imagine why anyone would want to."

Davey shook his head. "It's just depressing," he muttered. "I'm gonna get my things together anyway, I'll see you guys later."

Dorcas waved as the drummer left the room in the same direction as Gilderoy had. Sirius glanced up at him and nodded, but said nothing. He frowned at his phone screen as he opened his email. He had a new message in his inbox - the screen showed over five hundred messages in the email thread. The most recent one was by far the shortest message.

_'You'll be picked up at 5am. Be ready.'_

Sirius glanced at the time at the top of his screen. It was almost twelve. He swallowed hard, stomach turning in anticipation.

"You okay?" Asked Dorcas. "Get a weird spam email?"

Sirius snorted, locking his phone and putting it in his pocket, struggling a little with his tight jeans. "Yeah, some company wanting to sell me viagra again," he said. "Not that I need it, am I right?" He gave a playful smirk, and she rolled her eyes in amusement.

"Yeah yeah, still not gonna sleep with you Sirius."

"Aw, but I'm so cute!"

Dorcas rolled her eyes and laughed, standing. Sirius reached and grabbed her wrist before she could go off in the same direction as the others though, and she looked down at him with a questioning expression.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, um." He let go of her, and adjusted his sitting position on the couch, looking up at her with sudden hesitancy. "You have my back, right? No matter what?" He asked. He'd never really been the type to show vulnerability around anyone, friend or otherwise, but he'd known Dorcas longer than the others. Not significantly longer, but it was enough that he had some sort of trust in her. He knew she cared about him, at least.

"Yeah, of course. Is something up?"

"Er, no, just... I just wanted to ask, I don't know." He shrugged, standing up and stretching. "I'll probably hang around for another twenty minutes or so before I sneak out the back, I'm driving home so I don't wanna be swamped by all my adoring fans when I leave." He grinned at her, and she rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah, I can definitely relate." She laughed, her tone sarcastic. "I'll just grab my things. I'll see you later, Sirius."

"Yeah, see you." He smiled at her, and watched her go, before letting out a breath and leaning back on the sofa. He looked at his phone again, reading the email a second time. Then a third.

Five a.m.

His life was going to change drastically after five a.m tonight. He'd been planning it for years - the plans had gotten somewhat different after the laws over in America had changed, but he was still confident. Was he? No, he was. But the fact that it was all suddenly happening, and so quickly, too, was rather terrifying. It had always seemed like a distant fantasy, but suddenly reality was hitting him in the face like a brick and it was too late to turn back, even if he wanted to.

A lot of things had changed since he'd began planning this. His band, Grimm, had completely blown up in the last couple of months - and he was getting an inordinate amount of fame along with it, as the lead singer and guitarist. He was nearing three million followers on Twitter, and two and half million on Instagram. People talked about his every move, and it was sort of scary, if not exhilarating. He couldn't help but admit that he loved the attention.

And he was about to throw it all away, he supposed.

If he was about to throw it all away, then he guessed it was on him to do at least _something_ in preparation. He probably should have prepared before, in hindsight, but he couldn't do anything about that now.

He was quiet for a moment, contemplating, before standing suddenly and hurrying in the direction of the dressing rooms, entering Gilderoy's without knocking and ignoring the other's squawk of protest.

"Bloody hell, Black, did you never learn to knock?!"

"Listen," he said, standing in front of the door as he looked at the man. Gilderoy was in the middle of changing, his shirt in his hands and his pants unbuttoned, golden hair askew for once.

"Don't 'listen' me, get out!" He snapped.

"Listen to me." Sirius snapped back, silencing the man. "I-I'm leaving the band."

"You're- what?" Gilderoy stopped, blinking at Sirius for a full three seconds. "What do you mean, you're leaving the bloody band, what's that supposed to mean?! Are you off your head tonight?"

"I mean I'm leaving! I'm leaving the band, I'm just... I'm leaving, okay?! I-it's a personal issue, but I'm making you the lead man now. You've been saying you should be for ages, so there you go." He turned to leave, but Gilderoy grabbed him by the shoulder roughly, forcing him to turn back around.

"Don't touch me, Lockhart," Sirius muttered. He was ignored.

"You can't just leave," Gilderoy hissed. "Do you even _know_ what that'll do to us?!"

"Oh, what, you _can't_ carry the band on your own?" Sirius's tone was taunting. "You _can't_ write all the songs, perform, sing, all that? What, have you just been talking shit the entire time? I'm finally giving you what you've been wanting, you should be grateful! You don't have to be in the background anymore!"

"Oh shut up, Black, you _know_ that's not what I'm saying!"

"Well what _are_ you saying then? Finally admitting that you're _not_ the one carrying the band for once?"

Gilderoy said nothing, just glared at Sirius through narrowed eyes. Sirius shoved him away.

"Thought not. Goodbye, Lockhart." Before the blond could say anything else, Sirius had left the room.

Sirius usually travelled light when it came to shows. He grabbed his guitar and amp from the space backstage, and went to his dressing room to put it back in its case. He slung the case over his shoulder, and turned to see Davey standing in the doorway.

"Mate, tell me Lockhart was joking."

 _It's gonna be a long night_ , thought Sirius.

"No," he said. "I'm... I'm sorry, okay? It's not because of you guys. But it's just-"

"Listen, whatever it is, it's your business," he said, holding up a hand to stop Sirius. "But just... Just sleep on it, yeah? Don't make any stupid decisions tonight. I know you're probably under a lot of stress, we all are. But if this is just a spur-of-the-moment decision, you're gonna regret it. So just leave it for now. Okay?"

Sirius was quiet for a few seconds. He wondered if the pain in his eyes was obvious; he hoped it wasn't. He couldn't sleep on it, but he didn't want to argue. He nodded.

"Yeah, right, fine," he muttered, pushing past Davey and heading down the corridor, adjusting the strap of his guitar over his shoulder.

He wanted tonight to be over.


	2. Chapter 2

On the drive home, Sirius had time to think. Too much time, really. Any amount of time being alone with his thoughts was always too much time. There was just _too much_. He felt guilty for leaving, almost. Not enough to keep him there, but enough that it was painful to think about for too long.

His phone must have buzzed at least twenty times as he drove. He knew it was probably Dorcas, worried about him. He should have told Lockhart to keep it a secret that he was leaving, but he was about one hundred percent sure the idiot would have just blabbed to the others anyway, so there wouldn't have been a point.

He would have mentioned it sooner, but he'd never been good at having serious conversations. He guessed he'd figured that when the time came, he'd just slip away quietly and no one would say anything. Probably a stupid thing to think, but oh well.

Sirius kept a lot of secrets in his life. Despite the fame that he'd unexpectedly crash-landed into, and despite the fact that he wasn't known to be shy in any sense of the word, he was a very private person. He'd never told anyone that his family had disowned him when he was sixteen - no one asked, so it wasn't exactly difficult to hide. He'd never told anyone that his little brother still called him and emailed him almost weekly, and he still ignored the messages and the calls out of an odd mixture of spite and horrible, overwhelming anxiety. He'd never told anyone that he was transgender, or that he was gay, or that he was a submissive. Never told anyone that since he'd come of age all he'd wanted was to be owned and kept for someone else's pleasure. He _ached_ for it, he thought about it every night, but he never imagined that it would ever be his reality - that it _could_ ever be his reality, especially now he had a public presence and a following. He didn't know what would happen if he was ever open about the things he held close to himself, and part of him didn't really want to know. The thought of so many people _knowing_ him, that was what terrified him. He'd never been known before in his life, not really.

So when a tall, handsome man not much older than Sirius himself had approached him at a high-end fetish party four years ago, introducing himself as Lupin, a business owner and dominant, and telling Sirius about a house of submissives he was putting together to create a sort of kink family, over in America where his company was growing, Sirius had been immediately interested. And it hadn't just been because the man was one of the most beautiful Sirius had ever seen. The plans had obviously changed somewhat since the laws had been passed over in the states and things became more difficult, and what had been a fun lifestyle had now turned into a sort of charity project, almost, but Sirius wasn't about to back out. He had been talking with Lupin through email since that night at the party, almost every day. He'd come out to Lupin as trans. Sirius had met this man once, and Lupin knew more about him than anyone else in the world. This wasn't just something that Sirius could walk away from, at this point. Not that he wanted to, though.

Pulling up at his house - it _was_ sort of a mansion, now he thought about it - he checked the time again. Half past one. He was lucky that the last gig hadn't been too far away from his place.

Getting out of the car and hurrying to his front door to open it and get inside, he wondered what he should even do. Pack all his clothes, he supposed? Would he need anything? His passport? He supposed he wasn't exactly going to be coming back, was he? After standing in his hallway aimlessly for a good thirty seconds, he sprang into action.

It took perhaps two hours to stuff his clothes into a bag, grab his passport, ID, and any other 'important' things he had lying around, and to take a shower, heart racing the entire time. He checked his phone once out of the shower - Dorcas had tried to call him three times, and he had about forty texts. He sighed, calling her and putting the call on speakerphone as he got dressed.

"Sirius, what's going on?" Came her shrill voice. She usually sounded shrill when she was worried.

"It's complicated, okay?" He said, throwing on a loose tank top. He looked at himself in the mirror, chewing the inside of his cheek as he turned from side to side., staring at his reflection. You could only just see the edges of his top surgery scars, but really they weren't that noticeable. It was dark outside anyway, and where he was going, he wouldn't have to hide them anymore, right?

He changed into a t-shirt.

"Complicated?” Dorcas was saying. “What's complicated? We just got a proper audience finally, everything's going great, and now you're just leaving with no explanation?”

“I mean, kinda, yeah.”

“Sirius, will you listen to yourself for just one minute!” She sounded irritated. “I don’t get it, can you just.... Talk to me? Please? Be honest, just for a minute.”

Sirius sighed heavily, shoulders slumping as he looked down at his phone, at the overflowing bag of clothes and hair products lying on his bed.

“Look,” he said finally, “you can’t stop me from going. I-I’m meeting someone, a friend. I’ve been planning this for years, I can’t stay here.”

“A friend?” Sirius didn’t know whether or not to be insulted at how skeptical she sounded. “Who?”

“I can’t say.”

“Well, where are you going?”

“Can’t say that, either.”

“For fuck’s sake, Sirius!”

“Can you not just trust me? Just trust that I know what I’m doing for five fucking minutes of your life!” Sirius huffed angrily, as he looked in his drawers, checking that he hadn’t left anything important behind.

“Well, no, not really!” Dorcas cried. “I don’t know if you’ve met yourself, Sirius, but you’re not exactly the most responsible of people! You’re a great friend and I care about you and all, I just don’t want you to end up in a stupid situation! Who’s this friend you’re meeting, do I know them?”

“No, I met them at a party ages ago. They’re not a murderer or anything, you don’t have to get your knickers in a twist!”

“Well do they live in England?”

Sirius paused for just a second too long. “Well, he’s English-“

“Sirius that’s not what I asked. I swear to God if you’re going to some random country on your own to meet a stranger I’ll-“

“You’ll what?” Sirius snapped. “Send me a thousand text messages? Call me a hundred times? What are you _actually_ going to do, Dorcas?”

There was silence on the other end of the line. Sirius felt bad, and sighed.

“Just... Trust me. I’ll be fine, I promise you. It’s late, I need to go. Goodnight, Dorcas.”

He hung up before she could reply.

Sirius’s nerves only got worse as five o clock neared. He had two very full bags, as well as his guitar, beside the front door. He wasn’t entirely sure what to expect, so he sat perched on the edge of his sofa, checking his phone every ten seconds.

At exactly five, his phone buzzed. Unknown number. He picked up.

“H-hello?”

“Is this Sirius Black?” The voice on the other end sounded like it was from an older man.

“Um, yeah.”

“I was sent to pick you up and bring you to the airport, I’m just outside.”

“Oh, right, I’ll be outside in a second.”

“Very good.” The other man hung up. Sirius stood slowly, glancing around his living room. He’d asked Lupin what would happen to all his things when he left, but had just been told it would be taken care of. He supposed he didn’t have much choice but to believe him, so he hoped everything would be fine. He hadn’t lived here very long anyway, really; it didn’t exactly hold much sentimental value for him.

The car that had pulled up behind his own looked like a regular black taxi, which made Sirius feel significantly less on edge. He was even more relaxed when a man who looked to be in his sixties got out and offered cheerily to help put his bags in the boot of the car. Once Sirius was in the taxi and it had set off, he was mainly marveling in his head about how weird the whole situation was.

“Bit late to be going on holiday, isn’t it?” Said the driver brightly. Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Um, I’m actually moving house.” He thought it was probably best that the lie was consistent.

“At five in the morning?”

Sirius shrugged. “Time differences. It’ll be a normal time over there.”

The man nodded knowledgeably. “Ah, you going to Europe then? They’re a bit later than us, aren’t they?”

Sirius looked out of the window, feeling a little lightheaded as he thought about it. His brain was too jumbled to work out what the time would be in Europe or America, and which one was earlier or later than the UK. “Uh, yeah, something like that.”

The man rambled for most of the drive, but Sirius wasn’t listening properly.

It took around twenty minutes for them to get to the airport - it wasn’t really an airport though, it was more of a private airspace where the rich kept their private jets. Not somewhere that Sirius had ever been, Grimm wasn’t quite on that level yet. The driver helped Sirius with his bags again once he pulled in. Sirius offered him a fifty pound note as a tip, but the man refused.

“Oh bloody hell, I couldn’t take that! No, we already got a huge overpayment for bringing you here!” He lowered his voice, glancing around them at the empty airport taxi rank. “They want us to keep it quiet, you see. Since you’re well-known and all that, so you don’t need to tip a thing. Don’t you worry.” He winked at Sirius, who just nodded, a little bewildered. 

“O-oh, right. Well, thanks.” He gave the man a small smile, as he climbed back into the taxi. Sirius watched him drive off, unsure where to go from here. After a minute, he heard a voice a few feet behind him.

“Sirius Black?”

Sirius turned to see another unfamiliar man, this time dressed a lot more smartly and seeming rather more serious and intimidating than the taxi driver.

“Er, yes?”

The man nodded. “Come with me, I’ll show you to your flight.”

Sirius picked up his bags, trying desperately to look more confident than he was as he followed the man across the field. After a minute or so he was fairly certain he knew which plane he would be getting on; only one looked like it was ready for flight. It was small, but still looked like a luxurious ride, he had to admit. He’d never been on a private plane before, so he wasn’t entirely sure what to expect.

It ended up surprisingly easy, though. No one really spoke much, and everyone seemed very serious, as though they were smuggling him out of the country. He guessed they were, kind of? Flights to America were highly restricted these days.

The inside of the plane was... far cushier than anything Sirius had been expecting. He set his bags on the spare seats, looking around in awe for a few moments.

There were no flight attendants - Sirius guessed that only the bare minimum of people knew he was even flying anywhere, and he supposed that was a wise choice on Lupin's part - but the pilot gave him the customary safety talk, and asked him to stay in his seat while the plane took off. Sirius just nodded and strapped himself into his seat, before fiddling with his phone as he waited for the plane to start moving.

He had a new email from Lupin.

_You’ll be on the plane for around fourteen hours, so make yourself comfortable. See you soon._

Fourteen hours?! Sirius looked around the plane, relaxing when he saw a food cart near the back. Okay, he could survive this at least. It would be fine. He’d be fine.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius actually arrives at Remus's place, wow! Also pls be gentle with my characterisation of James because I've never written him before and I'm low-key terrified of publishing writing here of characters when I have no previous experience writing them, I just wanna be able to do them justice lmao. Also I've never written anything that's.... This much of an AU before. So like, bear with me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *insert general apology for any grammar/spelling mistakes here*

As it was, Sirius ended up sleeping through most of the flight. The energetic show, the arguing with his bandmates, the stress and the nerves couldn’t keep him awake in the end, no matter how much of the inflight coffee he drank. When he woke, groggy and uncomfortable, the pilot was standing in front of him looking sheepish.

“Um, Sir? We’ve landed, I think you slept through the announcement.”

“Wh-? Oh! Oh, shit, sorry!” Sirius scrambled to his feet clumsily, rubbing his eyes and stumbling toward his bags, slinging them over his shoulders again and looking over at the pilot. “Um, thanks,” he said. He wasn’t really sure what he was meant to say in this sort of situation, but the man smiled and gestured to the door, which was already open with stairs leaning down to the granite of the airport. It was very bright outside - Sirius wasn’t sure what time it was, but it looked like morning. He made his way down the stairs carefully, squinting around himself in the sun. This airfield looked... very similar to the one he’d just left, honestly. Only brighter, and maybe a little bigger. But there was a black car with intimidating-looking tinted windows waiting for him, so he assumed that was his ride. He approached the car hesitantly, before the drivers seat door opened and yet another unfamiliar man got out. He was significantly more intimidating than the taxi driver, wearing a suit and a serious expression.

“Black?” He asked. Sirius nodded. The man reached inside his jacket pocket, pulling out a lanyard with a card attached and handing it to Sirius. “Wear that, don’t take it off, don't speak unless spoken to,” he ordered. Sirius looped it around his neck, struggling a little with his bags as he did, and tilted his head to one side with a frown to try and read the card.

‘ _O: Remus John Lupin_

_Registered: 03/02/18_

_ID: 00584’_

Sirius looked back at the man, who had opened the door to the backseat of the car and gestured for Sirius to get in. He did so, stuffing his bags in and trying to be careful with his guitar, sitting with everything partially on his lap and trying to stay calm. He looked at the lanyard again as the man got into the car and started to drive. It looked like some sort of ID card, though the date was from a couple of years ago. This was it, then? No going through customs, no checks? He supposed so, by the fact that they were clearly leaving the airfield and going onto a highway.

Well, there wasn’t much he could do now, Sirius thought to himself as he sat back a little. If he was in a shitty situation, then he was in a shitty situation. No turning back now. He almost felt giddy as he watched the bright blue sky out the window.

Almost half an hour later, Intimidating Driver Guy turned onto a huge sloping arch of road that lay before a very, very impressive-looking house. If Sirius had lived in a mansion before, then this looked like some sort of palace. It was like something from a novel - huge grounds, massive arched doorway, marble fountain out front. Lupin had said he had money, but Sirius hadn’t exactly taken him for a man of excess. In fact, he’d seemed pretty reserved in the couple of days that they’d spent together when they met. Though, Sirius supposed that had only been one time. But even in emails, he’d never come across as particularly showy. Sirius was so busy picking his jaw up from the floor that he almost forgot to get out of the car until the door was opened for him. He stumbled out of the vehicle, gripping his things tightly and staring at the house in shock. He barely heard the car drive away, though his nerves spiked as the front door to the house opened and finally, someone familiar answered. Lupin looked a lot softer than Sirius remembered him, and he smiled as though Sirius was an old friend. They'd been talking for so long online that Sirius understood; he felt like he'd known the other man forever, somehow.

“Hey, you made it. Come on in, want me to grab your things?”

“I... yeah. Wait, no I-I have them,” Sirius swallowed dryly, and Lupin stepped back to let him into the house. 

“Bloody hell...” Sirius muttered, eyes huge as he looked around. There was a carpeted staircase to the right of them, with a balcony upstairs where he could see doors to upper-floor rooms, as well as an archway and a set of double doors to the left and right of them respectively on the ground floor, one leading to another room and the other leading to what Sirius assumed was a basement, what with the stairs he could see through the arch. “You never said how big this place was.”

Lupin pulled a face. “Well, er, yeah. It was a gift - long story.”

“A gift? Who are your friends?!” Sirius laughed in disbelief, and Lupin shook his head in amusement.

“Was the flight over okay?” He asked. Sirius looked at him, and nodded. He found it almost difficult to look the other in the eye - even after four years, he was still the most beautiful man Sirius had ever seen. Beautiful in sort of soft, homey way that Sirius wasn’t quite used to. He was wearing a turtleneck sweater that probably would have looked ugly on anyone else, Sirius thought, but it seemed to hug Lupin’s torso in all the right places.

“Um, yeah, it was fine. I slept for most of it,” he admitted. Lupin smiled.

“Well, that’s probably a good thing. It’s just gone half eleven, so it’ll be good for you to be awake for the rest of the day. Hopefully there’ll be minimal jet lag for you, I think you’ll just have lost a day with the flight.” He raised his voice a little, turning his head to the empty call of the house. “Prongs?” He called.

Sirius wasn’t sure what to say or what that meant, as they waited in what felt like very awkward silence for a good couple of moments, before another boy emerged from one of the rooms upstairs and bounded down the staircase toward them, stopping on the second to the last stair.

“Sir?”

The boy looked the same age as Sirius, with bright hazel eyes, floppy dark hair and round glasses. He was wearing boxer shorts and a dark, tight T-shirt, with a thick leather band around his throat. He looked at Sirius and grinned - Sirius had a feeling he was going to get along with this guy.

“Prongs, show Sirius to his room so he can put his things away,” said Lupin. “Then bring him up to my office, I need to speak with him once he’s done that.”

Prongs gave a dramatic salute. “Aye aye Captain!”

Sirius held back a laugh.

Lupin shook his head and started up the stairs. “Oh, and Prongs?” He said once he was a couple of stairs above the other. The dark haired boy looked up at him.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t be a show off for the new boy.” Lupin ruffled the other’s hair, before turning and hurrying upstairs. Prongs laughed, before turning to Sirius.

“Need help with those?” He asked. Sirius was about to protest, but the other was already taking both bags and leaving him with just the guitar, and beckoning him upstairs. Sirius hurried after him.

“Is, um, is your name actually Prongs?” Asked Sirius after a few seconds, raising an eyebrow at the other. Prongs snorted. 

“Is it ‘eck, you can call me James when Remus isn’t here if you want. But we all go by nicknames - I’m Prongs, Pete’s Wormtail, and Lily’s Cloven. We tried calling Remus Moony but, er, he didn’t really appreciate it.” He snorted. “I couldn’t walk for a couple weeks, if you know what I mean.” He side-eyed Sirius with a shit-eating grin, and Sirius snorted.

“He doesn’t really seem like a scary dom,” he commented as they headed down a corridor and around a corner. “He seems, I don’t know, too nice.”

James smirked. “Oh, he _is_ nice. Until he’s really fucking not, you know? But I mean, he’s only like that if you’re okay with it. Pete isn’t really much of a sub, so Remus doesn’t usually get scary with him.” He shrugged. “But he’s scary with me all the time, it’s such a hard life.” He sighed melodramatically. “God, living in a mansion and having my arse destroyed by a hot guy with a massive dick on the daily is _so_ hard.”

Sirius laughed. “Oh fuck off!” 

James grinned, before stopping and pushing open the door in front of them with his shoulder. “So, this is your place,” he said, stepping in and moving over to the king-size bed to dump Sirius’s bags. It really was a nice room, with a private bathroom, a desk, a large mirror on the wall and a window with a view of the grounds. Sirius wandered over to look out - there was a swimming pool and loungers outside, though it all looked pretty empty. He looked back at James, who was still talking. “Things are pretty relaxed here most of the time, really. We’re like a little family,” he was saying.

“And you’re the annoying one in the family, I take it?” Sirius smirked. James did finger guns.

“You got it, you’re gonna fit in great.”

Sirius laughed again, almost in bewilderment. “You know, I was expecting something way more... I don’t know... Serious?”

James nodded, frowning suddenly. “Yeah, I mean, you know about the whole law thing,” he said. “Outside this house, it _is_ a lot more serious. But while we’re here, we may as well have fun, you know? Otherwise what’s the point?” He shrugged, and Sirius couldn't help but agree.

“Yeah, that’s fair.”

There was a pause for half a second.

“Right! So, Remus wanted to see you. Shall we go up to his study?”

"Oh, yeah, right." Sirius nodded, looking down at himself. "Um, do I need to change?"

James shrugged, waving a hand. "You're fine, he's not expecting you to start wandering 'round in your underwear on your first day," he assured the other.

Still, Sirius checked his appearance in the mirror before they left the bedroom, fixing his hair a little and squinting at himself before heading out to James in the hall and shutting the bedroom door behind him. He was still wearing the lanyard that the driver had given him before - he supposed he'd ask Lupin about it.

"Remus's office is just down here, c'mon," said James, beckoning Sirius to follow him. Sirius did, glancing around them.

"It seems so quiet," he commented. James nodded in acknowledgement.

"Yeah, this place is huge. Ridiculously huge, considering there's only four of us. Well, five now. Pretty sure Remus hates it, but he was given it by some business partner or something. Whole thing's paid off, so." James waved a hand airily. "There's really no reason we _shouldn't_ live here, you know?"

Sirius nodded, hands in his pockets. "Huh, well I suppose so."

James stopped when they got to a door at the end of the hall, causing Sirius to almost walk right into him. James knocked on the door sharply, and opened it at Remus voice telling them to come in.

Sirius wasn't entirely sure what he expected, but this room seemed far cozier than the others so far. Lupin's study was like a small library, bookshelves stuffed to bursting, an old-looking armchair in the corner by the window, leather faded from the sun, with a large empty pet bed beside it in the same patch of sunlight. Lupin looked over at James and Sirius from behind a large desk, face slightly illuminated by his laptop screen, and smiled.

"Come on in, Sirius."


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus met four years ago at an adult party~

**Los Angeles - four years ago**

Sirius kept his social media notifications turned off, so he only noticed the verified account that had replied to his Instagram story the evening after he arrived at his hotel in LA. The story he'd posted was a pretty generic selfie of himself and the window of the airplane, with his location - he felt like it was his duty to his fans to let him know he was finally coming over to the US, even if it was just a short visit. _And_ even if he didn't exactly have a billion fans. But still, Grimm's music was growing pretty steadily, so he was confident in his internet presence.

The account that had replied to him was @innr.snctm - it wasn't one he'd heard of before but the message they'd sent in reply to his story was intriguing to say the least.

_'Hello Sirius Black, we see you're in town and would like to invite you to one of our exclusive luxury entertainment and social nights. You were recommended by a member and will be able to show this message at the door as an invitation. Although the usual fee is $12,913, it will be waived for you this time and this time only. We hope to see you there._

_Regards from the Inner Sanctum.'_

There was a second message with the time and date of the event, which was tomorrow night. There was also a link to what Sirius assumed was their website, and, clicking through the link, his assumption was confirmed. This thing seemed... Far more high-end than anything Sirius had ever seen before, he thought to himself. The Instagram account seemed to have a fair number of followers and posts, though, and the website seemed genuine - there was nothing to say that this was some sort of elaborate scam, and they _had_ said he could get in for free, so it wasn't as though he was being asked to pay some ridiculous amount of money. So maybe he'd check it out.

Maybe.

By the end of the night, he was adamant about going.

The next evening at around half past nine, Sirius was looking himself over in the mirror meticulously. He'd checked, double-checked and triple-checked the dress code on the website; the last thing he wanted was to be turned away from this thing at the last minute. He was wearing his tightest leather pants - they hugged his ass in ways that fueled his already huge ego - heavy combat boots, and a black halterneck tank top that was tight around his chest - no matter which way he twisted and turned, his top surgery scars weren't visible at all - but had loose mesh covering his stomach and hips, making them still visible, but covered just enough that his dysphoria around his hips didn't bother him. He slipped a leather choker around his neck - it went well with the outfit, what could he say? - and tied his hair loosely at the nape of his neck. After squinting at himself in the mirror for another minute or so, trying to figure out what was missing, he added some eyeliner and a smattering of glitter to his eyelids. There, that was better. After making sure once again that his scars weren't visible, checking himself again from every angle, and taking several selfies just _because,_ he was ready to go. He'd Uber there, he decided, and let someone else figure out where he was meant to go. He had the address, so he was sure he'd be fine.

The party, it turned out, was on the top floor of a hotel far, far fancier than the one Sirius was staying in, in the penthouse. Sirius was half convinced he wouldn't be allowed in when he showed the bouncer in the lobby the message from the account on his phone, but the hulking, suited man had nodded and stepped aside for him to use the elevator.

The doors slid open once he reached the floor, and Sirius's eyes widened as the elevator was suddenly flooded with vivid red light.

He stepped into the penthouse, unsure where to look first. Some people were sitting, others knelt at their feet, some were at the bar, and there were several very scantily-clad men and women carrying trays of drinks or snacks. There was a stripper pole in the center of the sofas, where clearly the woman in lingerie and a rabbit mask covering the top half of her face was a professional pole dancer. Music with a deep, throbbing bass assaulted his ears as his eyes adjusted to the crimson lighting that spilled out through the huge glass panes on the far side of the penthouse and onto the balcony, where a full moon winked at him from the night sky, and his heart sped up as he realised just how out of his depth he was.

Determined to stay somewhat confident, he headed to the bar and grabbed a stool. A few drinks in and he was sure he'd have the confidence he needed.

Half a drink in, Sirius was trying to take in his surroundings properly without garnering too much attention - he didn't like to be the center of attention unless he knew enough about his situation to have control over it. Once he felt like he had the upper hand, he wanted all the attention he could get. But being new here, he wanted to observe a bit first.

"Are you new here?" Came a voice from right beside him, making him jump as he turned in his stool to look at the man sitting beside him, who was regarding him with curiosity. He was dressed far... _more_ , than most of the people here; his shirt was buttoned up properly, his sleeves weren't rolled up. He looked very put-together, but the look he was giving Sirius held something else, something that felt almost predatory, hidden below the surface of a friendly expression. It sent a shiver down Sirius's spine.

"Um, yeah, actually," said Sirius, hoping he looked as casual as he was trying to be. "I just arrived in LA yesterday, I got an invite so I thought I'd check this place out." He shrugged, taking another sip of his drink. "Are you? New here, I mean."

The man - he looked about the same age as Sirius, so surely he couldn't be _that_ experienced - nodded knowingly, stirring his own drink. "I'm not exactly a regular here, but I know my way around," he said. His tone exuded confidence, but in a way that made Sirius feel more at ease, rather than intimidated. "I'm Lupin." His eyes narrowed slightly as he regarded Sirius - not in annoyance, but in thought. "Have I seen you somewhere?" He asked. "A magazine, or something? I feel like I saw you in Rolling Stone."

Sirius blinked at him for a moment. "O-oh, right, yeah! Yeah, um, I'm in a band, Grimm. We're still pretty new, but we're getting more recognition lately. We're pretty good." He smirked, and amusement flashed in Lupin's eyes.

"So you're a singer?" He asked.

"Singer and guitarist."

"Huh. I used to play the guitar," he took a swig of his drink, and Sirius did the same. "So, are you new to the scene too, or just to the club?" He asked, looking at Sirius with renewed curiosity.

"The... Scene?" Asked Sirius. "O-oh! Right, um, the kinky stuff."

Lupin gave a laugh, hiding it badly behind his drink. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Yeah I know, I sound like a noob."

"No, no. You sound new, is all. I wasn't sure, considering you're wearing a collar." He nodded to the choker around Sirius's neck, and the singer was thankful for the red lighting, hoping it would hide his flushed cheeks.

"Oh, uh, yeah, that's just for fashion."

"Are you looking for an owner, though?" Sirius couldn't work out how someone managed to look laid back, yet so intense at the same time. Somehow Lupin pulled it off.

"Um, I-I don't know," he admitted.

"So you _are_ a sub?"

Sirius swallowed hard, and finished his drink to avoid answering. Lupin seemed satisfied with that, though, as he smirked and took another swig of his own drink.

"Can he get another drink?" He called to the bartender. "Put it on my tab."

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Getting me drunk?" He asked. Lupin looked at him, that smirk still on his face.

"You don't have to drink it," he said simply, as a second drink was placed infront of Sirius.

"What are _you_ doing here, then?" Sirius asked him, as he took a sip of the second drink. "Picking up twinks? You look my age, how many of these things have you even been to?"

Lupin ordered himself another drink, despite only being halfway through his first, and chuckled. "Maybe I am," he said. "Picking up twinks, I mean. Unless you don't class yourself as a twink." He smirked. "And I'm twenty four - I've been in the scene for about six years now though, so I assume I have more experience than you at this."

Sirius's eyebrows shot up - Lupin was only three years older than him, but he had to be exaggerating - six years still sounded like a _lot_.

"Six years?" Sirius asked, propping his chin on his hand and leaning an elbow on the bar as he watched the other curiously. "I assume you know people, then - I've never heard of you before, how'd you get invited to places like this?"

Lupin shrugged. "I own a fetish company," he said. "Most of the leather people are wearing here tonight was made by me. We're still a pretty small company, but it's a lot more popular than it used to be. People appreciate quality when it comes to this sort of thing."

Sirius blinked at him for a moment - whatever he'd been expecting, it wasn't that. "Wait, really?" He asked. Lupin nodded.

"Mhm. Gets me into a lot of fun places." He grinned.

"You're not wearing anything from your own company though," Sirius pointed out. "I mean, you look a lot more... _Normal_ , than most people here."

Lupin nodded, finishing his first drink. "Well, I don't like to show much skin," he said. "Makes it too easy." His eyes moved downward, sweeping over Sirius's body. Sirius felt like the other man could see through his clothes; just that gaze alone raised goosebumps on his skin. He felt warmth pool in his stomach and he inhaled sharply, hiding his reaction behind another swig of alcohol.

"Why, because you're so irresistible?" He teased. Lupin laughed, but didn't answer. He seemed tense, almost - his shirt was tight, clinging to his body, and although it was obvious he wasn't ridiculously ripped or something like that, his muscles were still very visible through the thin fabric the sight of him was still entirely pleasing. Sirius hoped the other man couldn't see the affect he was having on him. Lupin leaned over, lips and warm breath brushing against Sirius's ear as he spoke. He smelled like coffee and whiskey.

"Would you like to dance?"

Sirius nodded wordlessly.

Sirius wasn't sure if it was the alcohol or just the intoxicating presence of the older man, but the other patrons of the party seemed to melt away as his and Lupin's bodies moved together to the hypnotic music, the bass thrumming in Sirius's chest and Lupin's hands on his waist, sharp nails digging into the skin deliciously. Lupin's breath was hot on his neck, his chest against Sirius's back, and it was almost second nature as Sirius tilted his head to the side to give him access to the pale, unmarked skin above the leather choker. Sirius sighed softly as the other's lips brushed over his skin, peppering soft kisses over his jawline and the curve of his throat - he reached back to tangle a hand in Lupin's hair, grinding back against him and feeling the vibration in Lupin's chest as the other man growled lowly, before sinking his teeth into Sirius's throat.

Sirius's moan sounded loud to himself, but he was sure it was lost underneath the music to everyone else. His breathing became more frantic as warm, dull pain bloomed at his neck, and one of Lupin's hands snaked under the mesh of his tank top, nails scraping across his stomach. Sirius trembled, and it wasn't from fear or uncertainty.

"W-wait." He pulled away abruptly, spinning round to look up at Lupin breathlessly, the small, sane part of his brain suddenly in panic mode. "Wait."

Lupin looked almost scary, pupils blown out and jaw set, obviously restraining himself he looked down at Sirius with confusion. "Is everything alright?" He asked. Although he definitely looked intimidating, his voice was laced with concern. Sirius stared at him for a moment, opening his mouth and closing it again, before looking away. His heart was beating in his ears and he was trying to force his brain to think clearly, but he was already in this situation and he didn't want to stop. Lupin frowned, taking Sirius's chin gently and making the younger man look at him. "What's wrong?" He asked.

Sirius wondered if his expression looked anything like Lupin's - turned on to the point of being an uncontrollable mess, that is. But he needed a clear head - he couldn't just hook up with someone! That was something he just let people assume he did - he never actually did it, it was far too dangerous. Something about this man had lulled him into a sense of security, he felt like he could trust Lupin - though part of him knew that was probably very silly of him.

"I-I'm trans," he said, hoping the other didn't hear the clearly audible tremor in his voice over the music. Lupin's expression stayed almost identical, though Sirius thought maybe it softened a little.

"You don't have to worry," he replied. He sounded so certain, it almost made Sirius's nerves disappear right then and there. Lupin looked him up and down - not in that disgusted, calculating way that Sirius had been looked at in the past - but in the same hungry way he'd looked at Sirius at the bar. He leaned in. "Do you still want me to fuck you?" He asked. His voice was almost a growl, and Sirius was almost surprised his legs didn't give out. His underwear was ruined, that much he was certain of. His voice didn't seem to work, so he just nodded. Lupin's lips twitched upward in amusement. The older man paused for just a moment. "Where?" He asked. Sirius cocked his head to the side, so Lupin elaborated. "Your ass?" He asked. Sirius felt himself flush bright red again, glancing around them. No one could hear them over the music; it was as though they were in their own bubble, and Sirius had never experienced anything quite like this. He swallowed hard, and shook his head. Lupin smirked.

"I have a room downstairs in the hotel. Join me?"

Sirius knew it was a question, but it sounded more like a command, and he hoped he didn't seem too desperate as he nodded quickly.

"Let's go then." Lupin took his hand and Sirius stumbled after him toward the elevator, barely seeing anyone else as they left the penthouse.

Luckily, Lupin's room wasn't far away. Away from the red glow of the party, Lupin looked a lot more... Normal? No, that wasn't really the word. His tawny hair fell carelessly across his forehead and there were a few freckles on his face that had probably come out with the LA sun, but his eyes looked even more inhuman in regular light, bright amber and glinting with hunger as he glanced sideways at Sirius, noticing his stares. Sirius's heart beat quicker but he didn't look away - this time he couldn't be sure that it wasn't fear he was feeling, just mixed up with everything else. Even if it was though, it was a kind of fear that made him want more.

Lupin's hotel room was a lot bigger than Sirius's - which was to be expected really, given that it was a fancier hotel, but Sirius was still a little blown away by how nice it was - he didn’t get to appreciate the view of the city below them though, or the art on the walls, or the massive king size bed with silk sheets, before Lupin pushed him up against the wall roughly, letting the door swing shut behind them and kissing Sirius with a newfound vigour, which Sirius enthusiastically reciprocated.

Sirius had a feeling that Lupin was holding back a desire to straight up tear the clothes from Sirius’s body, as he pulled away from the younger to pull the tank top over Sirius’s head and toss it aside. Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he’d been shirtless around someone, and Lupin’s touches felt like fire on his skin. He reached up to undo the choker and pull it off, and Lupin didn’t hesitate before fastening his lips around Sirius’s throat once more, enticing a shaky moan from the singer as his grip on Lupin tightened, nails digging into the back of his shirt and hips bucking against the other’s. 

“O-oh, _fuuck_...” He could feel how hard Lupin was, and it only aroused him more as the other man growled, the primal noise sending heady vibrations through Sirius. He was helpless, completely at the mercy of this almost-stranger, but god... He’d never been more turned on in his life.

Lupin breathed heavily against his throat for a second, nails digging into Sirius’s hips as he seemed to struggle to control himself, before one hand found its way to Sirius’s throat, squeezing lightly. It was enough to hold Sirius in place, and enough to make his body weaker with arousal that made him tremble and gasp. One hand flew up to grasp Lupin’s wrist, but he didn’t protest, dark pleading eyes meeting those animalistic, amber ones that seemed to glow in the moonlight that poured through the window of the room. Their faces were mere centimetres apart, and Lupin’s voice was gruff, teeth bared.

“You’re going to do exactly as I say.”

Sirius nodded as best he could, eyes unfocused and a whimper escaping his throat. He felt like caught prey, and it was entirely intoxicating. Lupin ran his tongue over Sirius’s lower lip, the movement slow and calculated.

“I’d make you swallow my cock first, but I don’t think you can handle waiting much longer,” he purred. “Can you?”

Sirius inhaled jaggedly, the hand on his throat restricting his breathing. “N-no!” He gasped. His voice was hoarse. “Fuck, no, god, I-I need it!”

Lupin’s tone was venomous, but Sirius knew he was enjoying watching him squirm.

“Need what, pup?”

Sirius let out a strangled cry. “To be fucked, p-please!” He rutted desperately against the rock hard mound in Lupin’s pants, and Lupin let out a low groan.

“God, you’re a good little slut,” he murmured, before letting go of Sirius’s throat and stepping back, rolling his shoulders back as he looked the younger male up and down. That predatory gaze was back, only this time about ten times more intense, and Sirius felt held under it like a fly under a glass.

“Strip,” Lupin ordered - this time the commanding tone in his voice was unmistakeable, and Sirius didn’t even have to think before he was kicking off his boots and peeling the leather trousers from his legs. He’d been right; his underwear was definitely ruined, and he was completely hard and very, very wet. Lupin sucked in a sharp breath through his teeth as Sirius pulled off his briefs, and Sirius couldn’t help stealing a glance at him to gauge his reaction - to his relief though, there was no disgust, no disappointment, nothing negative in the other man’s gaze. Just pure, unadulterated lust.

Now Sirius was naked, entirely exposed, and Lupin was still fully dressed, his arousal blatantly obvious by the bulge in his slacks - now that Sirius could see it properly, he couldn’t help but notice how... _big_ it looked. His eyes widened just slightly as his bit his lip, but somehow he knew that Lupin noticed.

“Very good,” Lupin commented, eyes raking over Sirius’s body. “On the bed. Ass in the air, legs spread for me.”

Sirius didn’t hesitate; not a single bone in his body wanted to do anything other than obey. The silk sheets of the duvet cover felt cool and smooth against his skin, as he laid his cheek against them and arched his back, spreading his knees apart and feeling his arousal growing, a drop of warm liquid running down his thigh. He panted softly, looking over at Lupin with half-lidded eyes as his hands gripped the bedsheets. Lupin smirked, almost triumphant. 

“Good boy.” He approached the bed, standing so that the bulge from his erection was level with Sirius’s face, before reaching down to unzip his pants.

There was nothing subtle about Sirius’s expression as Lupin freed his cock from its confines - the thing was a monster! How that was going to fit inside him, Sirius didn’t know. But he _did_ know that at the sight of it his body seemed to ache with emptiness, and his face flushed deep red as his thighs trembled in anticipation. Lupin reached down to run a hand through Sirius’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp satisfyingly.

“Tell me what you want, pup.”

Sirius’s mouth was dry, and he swallowed hard. “I-I want you to... to fuck me,” he said, voice just above a whisper. His hands, balled into fists, trembled as he fought the need to touch himself. “I want you inside me, all of you, fuck, _please_.” He gazed up at the other pleadingly - he must have looked desperate, because Lupin looked pleased. 

“Pathetic.” His voice was velvety soft - he said it as though it was a compliment, and Sirius shivered.

“Ple- ah!” He cried out as Lupin gave him a sharp spank, before letting out an uneven sounding moan as he was slapped again, this time on his cock. He had to admit, he _did_ sound pathetic, but the thought of it only made him want more.

“What was that?” Asked Lupin, his tone condescending. “What did you just try to say?”

“P-please!” Cried Sirius, his muscles so tense they were beginning to ache. His words were almost a sob. “Please!”

“Aw, I do love a slut that begs for me,” he muttered. Sirius felt the bed sink a little with Lupin’s weight, and felt one hand gripping his hip tightly, the other stroking that huge arousal as it rubbed against Sirius’s front hole teasingly. Sirius couldn’t help but hump down against it, gasping and panting softly as he desperately tried to get more friction. Lupin spanked him again, stilling him briefly, before pushing the tip of his cock inside Sirius with a soft groan.

Just the tip seemed to spread Sirius apart wide enough that the younger man’s eyes rolled back a little, and he moaned unto the bedsheets shakily, letting out a string of curses as Lupin inched himself inside slowly, clearly trying very hard not to just slam all the way inside, to make sure he was careful with the smaller man. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sirius was grateful for that, but most of his mind was taken up by the fog of his arousal; it felt so fucking _good_ , he just wanted _more_ and he wanted it _now_.

By the time Lupin was almost entirely inside Sirius - he couldn't completely fit, but Sirius was fuller than he'd ever been in his life - the younger man felt like he was going to sob and explode from the overwhelming shockwaves of pleasure that pulsed through his body. He could no longer control himself, but he could hear himself whimpering and moaning like an animal underneath Lupin, who waited another moment or two before starting to thrust.

“Ah, _fuck!”_ Sirius saw stars, and judging from Lupin’s snarls and heavy panting above him, he was just as lost in the heady, primal pleasure.

It took a few moments for the two to adjust - Lupin to a rhythm of thrusting into Sirius, and Sirius to the sheer size that was violating him so beautifully - before there was a sharp pain at Sirius's scalp and he was being pulled upward by his hair, an arm snaking around his chest as Lupin fucked up into him and he let his head fall to the side, exposing his throat to the other. He didn't care if he woke up the next morning with hickies covering his skin - in fact, he almost wanted them to remind himself that this had really happened. Lupin seemed far, far too good to be real, as he murmured pure filth into Sirius's ear and bit down on the soft skin where the choker had been. Sirius was almost sure he'd broken skin, but he trusted Lupin to know what he was doing enough that he didn't care - he just let his eyes fall closed as he cried out the other's name, body tensing and trembling violently as he came. He felt himself tighten significantly around Lupin's length, as the older man let out a cry that seemed equally made of pain and blinding, white-hot pleasure. Sirius fell back onto the bedsheets, Lupin on top of him with his chest pressed against Sirius's back, as Sirius felt the warmth of the other's load releasing deep inside him.

The air was still, as the two recovered. Lupin's breath was heavy on the back of Sirius's neck, and Sirius could barely move - not that he really could if he'd wanted to under the weight of the other man, but his body seemed to be made of lead, completely spent from his climax.

After a few more seconds, the weight on top of Sirius shifted, and he gasped sharply as he felt Lupin's length slide out, and some of the other's cum ooze out of him onto the bedsheets. Sirius groaned softly, turning his head to look up at the other.

"F-fuck..." He mumbled, unable to come up with anything else to say. Lupin moved to sit at the edge of the bed, still panting and looking over at Sirius with a grin. He was still wearing his clothes, though he was clearly covered in a thin layer of sweat, his shirt untucked and creased.

"Enjoy yourself?" He asked. "You should probably get a shower before you fall asleep and get my cum all over the sheets."

Sirius rolled his eyes, giving a breathless laugh. "Mmh, fine, but only if you join me," he said, cocking an eyebrow playfully. Lupin stood up, seeming to hesitate for a moment, thinking.

"Well, I'll get the water running then," he said slowly. "But... We keep the lights off."

Sirius frowned, confused. "Why?"

Lupin shrugged. "I don't like to show skin," he said again - the same excuse he'd used in the club for why he was covered up. Sirius was quiet for a second, but agreed. He had his own insecurities about his body, so he wasn't about to be a hypocrite and pressure Lupin into going against his. He watched as the other moved over to the door to turn out the light, plunging the room into total darkness. There was silence for a second, then the sound of the shower starting.

Lupin didn't insist on a second round in the shower. Not that Sirius would have protested, but it was sort of nice to come down from the first time slowly. Sirius hadn't slept with anyone in... A while. Lupin was surprisingly gentle as he helped Sirius wash, running his fingers through the other's long hair and massaging, before refusing Sirius's offer of returning the gesture.

"You gonna kick me out now?" Sirius asked half-jokingly as he towel-dried his hair afterward. He was hoping not, but he hadn't done this in a while and he knew that someone who seemed as successful as Lupin probably wasn't someone who spent the entire night with people.

The bathroom was still pitch black, so Sirius didn't see the taller man blink over at him in surprise from where he stood at the bathroom sink, nude apart from the towel hanging around his shoulders.

"Don't be silly, you're staying here tonight," he said simply. "Unless you had other plans?" 

Sirius shook his head, before remembering the other couldn't see him.

"Well, no, um, I mean I wasn't really expecting to end up in someone else's hotel room in the first place," he admitted, "so I'm... Definitely happy to stay here." He gave a quiet laugh, and Lupin smiled.

"Good." Sirius could hear his footsteps on the tiles as he padded over, leaning down to kiss Sirius on the cheek with surprising tenderness, and moving back into the bedroom. Sirius was quiet for a second, reaching up to touch where the other had kissed his cheek, and allowing himself a small, shy smile.

"Hey, can I turn the light back on?" He asked, looking over his shoulder in the direction he could hear Lupin moving around the bedroom.

"Um, yeah, but just... Stay in there for a second," Lupin called. "I'm just getting dressed."

"Aw, I'm not allowed to see you naked at all?" Sirius teased, before chuckling. "I'm kidding, it's fine." He felt along the wall for the light switch to the bathroom and flicked it on, blinking and grimacing in the light as he looked around the room. He squinted at what he assumed were Lupin's toiletries on the side of the sink - deodorant, cologne, toothpaste, toothbrush, and some empty glass vial. Sirius could still hear Lupin in the bedroom, so he stepped forward to inspect the vial with a curious frown. He recognized the type of bottle - his testosterone came in the same sort of vial - so did that mean...? He shook the thought from his head almost immediately. No, you couldn't get a dick like that from phalloplasty, he was relatively certain. He could see a label on the other side of the bottle, so he spun it around to read, but the label looked less professional and more like Lupin himself had stuck a white label on and written on it with a marker.

_013-09 (calorsterone), 50mg/ml_

Sirius frowned, leaning back from the vial quickly as Lupin turned on the main room light, and turning to smile at the other, who was wearing a button up pyjama shirt and tartan pants. It was almost adorable, thought Sirius, as Lupin smiled at him. Sirius decided that whatever had been in the vial, it wasn't his business.

"Do you want to borrow something to sleep in?" Asked Lupin. "Or would you rather sleep naked?" He glanced over Sirius's body, tongue darting out to lick his lips quickly. "Personally I'm happy for you to be naked, but I'd rather you be comfortable." He smiled, and Sirius felt his cheeks flush pink as he tossed his towel into the wash basket and grinned at Lupin. 

"Naked it is then~" He sauntered past the taller man, picking up his clothes from the floor and smoothing them out a little - he'd be able to wear the tank top and leather pants back to his hotel tomorrow, but he had a feeling the underwear may not have survived. He picked the garment up and wrinkled his nose.

"Yeah, I don't think I'll be wearing those tomorrow," he muttered.

"I can give you a bag to carry them back tomorrow if you want?" Lupin offered, amber eyes bright with amusement. His expression was far more normal now, but his eyes still had that... Strangeness, to them. Sirius couldn't explain it. He nodded gratefully though.

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." He placed his things on the chair at the desk in the corner of the room, and sighed as he looked out the window at the city below them. He started slightly when he felt Lupin behind him, wrapping his arms around him gently and resting his chin on Sirius's damp hair. Sirius leaned back against him with a soft chuckle. Part of him wished he was taller - height dysphoria wasn't usually something that bothered him, but Lupin was _tall_ tall; Sirius only just came up to his shoulders - but then again, this was nice, he thought to himself as he felt Lupin smile, too. He hadn't felt like this in so long, if ever. Just feeling safe in his skin around another person was so jarringly alien to him, he'd only known this man for one night yet it felt like somehow Lupin could see all of him, as ridiculous as that was.

"Hey, um, I should ask," said the older man suddenly, pulling away. Sirius turned to look up at him expectantly. "You're... You're clean, right?"

"Sorry?"

"I should have asked before, but I was a bit, um-"

"Horny?" Sirius grinned, and Lupin laughed.

"Yeah. But um, I'm clean, if that helps at all." He shrugged. "Sleeping with someone without discussing anything first isn't usually how I go about things, just so you know."

"O-oh, yeah, no, same," Sirius assured him. "No, yeah, I'm clean. No chance of... Of anything, I promise."

Lupin nodded. "Good to know. Shall we get some sleep?" He smirked. "I'd say we should go again, but I don't think I'd have the energy to clean up a second time."

Sirius chewed his lip, before laughing. "God, same. Can we at least, um, exchange numbers or something?" He asked. Lupin lit up.

"Oh! Yeah, that's a good idea." He hurried over to the dresser where he'd left his phone, and Sirius turned to grab his own as Lupin talked. "I'll give you my email address too - it's encrypted, so you don't have to worry about anything being leaked. We can talk more privately about things." He shrugged. "So I mean, if you're ever over here again..." He glanced at Sirius suggestively. "Maybe we could meet up or something."

Sirius nodded, and things were quiet as they each typed their details into the others' phones.

"Hey, um, so, I'm actually only out here for a few days," said Sirius once they were done. "But I'm only really over here to have a break, clear my head and all that. Do you, um, have any plans tomorrow?" He knew it was a long-shot, but a smile crept onto Lupin's face.

"You know, I actually don't," he said.

"Oh?" Sirius smirked, holding back a grin. "Well, maybe we could enjoy each other's company for a little longer then, Lupin."

Lupin laughed softly, running a hand through his hair as he sat on the bed and regarded Sirius for a moment. 

"I'd like that, Sirius. And you can call me Remus."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may do another flashback chapter in the future like this, about the next day they spent together in LA and whatnot - it would probably be more fluffy than most of this fic (though there will be fluff eventually in the main story I promise), but yeah. 
> 
> If you liked this so far, please feel free to leave kudos. And I live for comments on my fics!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius meets Lily, or Cloven lol (get it, because deer have cloven hooves "^^ hopefully that's not lame idk), not a lot happens in this one, it's mainly exposition and stuff, but yeah I hope it's alright! I'm way too self-conscious about this fanfic I never write AUs I'm sorry asdfghj

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Insert generic apology for spelling mistakes because I have no beta for this thing*
> 
> I have a few more chapters of this thing written, but I need to change things a lotttt before I upload it here, because I basically wrote a whole two chapters about something that I decided I don't want to happen anymore lmao oops, but I had this one and I'm a lil nervous because I've never written Lily in anything before and aaaaaa, but I got a really nice comment on this fic today so it spurred me to update it today! Nice comments are my lifeblood guys this isn't a joke

It still didn't feel real, to be physically in front of Remus Lupin, able to see him, smell him, touch him, after so long away from him. The study smelled of coffee and chocolate, and Remus looked... Far more human than Sirius remembered him. Sirius could see a yellowing bruise on his cheekbone, and his eyes were a soft brown as he smiled at Sirius warmly.

After James was turned away, Sirius stepped into the study and shut the door behind himself, standing awkwardly.

"So, er-" He didn't know what he was actually going to say, but before he could come up with anything, Remus was gesturing to the chair in front of his desk.

"Sit, Sirius."

Sirius sat. Remus looked him up and down for a moment, his gaze soft but calculating. The edges of his mouth curled up in a small smile.

"It's good to see you again, finally," he said. Sirius nodded, quiet for a moment.

"Yeah, it... It is. But, um, I have a few questions."

"What kind of questions?"

"Well, what happens now? I mean, do I just... Just ignore my life before? I-I want to live here, if this is what you said it is, but..." He trailed off, and Remus tilted his head to the side.

"Well, what do you want to do?" He asked, sounding earnest. Sirius blinked at him.

"Oh, um..." What _did_ he want to do? "Well, er, what are my options?"

There was a twinkle of amusement in Remus's eyes. "Well, what exactly is it you're worried about? I told you that your home would be taken care of, your assets and all that. Money in your bank account will be transferred over to a US account. You'll still have an internet connection while you're here, with full access to your phone, a computer, a TV..."

Sirius opened his mouth to answer, then closed it again, thinking. "What about, um, my bandmates?" He asked. "What about my fans? I mean, I'm not exactly drowning in friends, but I'm pretty big on social media lately."

Remus looked like he had to hold back a chuckle. "Yes, I've noticed. I'm actually going to need you to not post anything on social media until I get your papers, I'm afraid. Once that's done, I'll discuss rules for you to post." He pulled a face. "Honestly, policing things like that isn't my style when it comes to being a Dominant. But people registered as, well, property aren't allowed to post original content without explicit permission from their owner."

Sirius's eyebrows shot up. "Wait, really? So you have to see everything I do?" He asked.

"Well, not everything. For example, Cloven posts things online and as far as I know, she's doing pretty well audience-wise. I just recorded an audio clip a few months ago saying she had permission to post whatever it is, and she adds that to all her videos. I don't see what she posts unless I go out of my way to watch it." He shrugged. "Though I do ask for some sort of description of what you're putting on the internet, if it's relating to politics," he added. "Things are very strict nowadays. It's better safe than sorry. The government here don't take many things lightly, and they don't take ignorance as an excuse."

Sirius nodded. "R-right, yeah. That... That makes sense," he said. "Um, what's this?" He asked, gesturing to the lanyard still hanging around his neck. Remus frowned for a second, before laughing. 

"Oh, right, that's actually James's. You can give it here; it was just in case you got stopped by enforcement at the airport. You weren't accompanied by an owner and you're clearly not a tourist, so it's dangerous to go out alone without any identification."

"Huh..." Sirius nodded slowly, slipping the lanyard off and setting it on the desk. There was silence for a moment, but it seemed to stretch out.

"Sirius?"

Sirius looked up, blinking at the other man. "Hm?"

"You do want this, don't you?"

"Wh- yeah! I mean, um, it's just sort of a bit freaky, you know? When we started talking about this, these whole weird laws weren't really a thing. So it's just a lot, that's all."

Remus nodded. "I can imagine. But you can trust me; I won't let anything bad happen to you, or to anyone else here."

"How do I know that?" Sirius couldn't help but ask; this country seemed like a dystopian wasteland, from what he'd seen on the UK news, and he was meant to trust a guy who was only a few years older than him? Remus didn't seem particularly threatening. "I mean, no offense, but you don't seem all that powerful apart from being rich. I wanted a Dom, but I didn't think I'd literally have to rely on you for survival, you know?"

Remus was quiet for a few seconds, thinking carefully about his response. "I understand why you might have a hard time believing me," he said finally, "but I assure you, I'm tougher than I look." He gave a wry smile. "If the government had the power to send me back to England, they would have done so years ago. If they can't even send me back there, then they sure as hell can't harm anyone under my care, or harm me either for that matter. Trust me on this, you are completely safe as long as you stay with me." He sounded so utterly sincere that Sirius had a hard time not believing him, despite his confusion with it all.

"Okay."

Remus didn't keep Sirius in his study for much longer, sending him away with a small bundle of papers and an apology that he had to do work, otherwise he would have shown Sirius around the house properly. Sirius didn't really mind, though - he wanted to be around Remus again, sure, but he was also pretty spent, mentally. It had been a long couple of days.

Sirius wandered through the house, listening at doors before opening them to be sure he wasn't walking in on anyone. He found what looked like a lounge eventually - it was on the ground floor to the right of the front door, beside the staircase. A deep green corner couch full of cushions and a low oak coffee table stood in front of a huge stained glass window, throwing yellows and reds and blues onto the the cream carpet and painting the room in warm, colourful light. It reminded Sirius of the vivid red that had filled the penthouse where him and Remus had met. He moved to plop himself in the corner of the sofa, pulling his knees up to his chest and looking at the papers Remus had given him.

They were essentially worksheets - a huge, detailed checklist of kinks, with a key at the side telling him how to fill them in for things like 'not tried', 'favourite', 'enjoy', 'okay', 'soft limit', and 'hard limit'. There was a pencil on the coffee table, so Sirius reached over to grab it and frown in concentration at the list. He was almost surprised that he knew what all the terms were - he supposed that being on the internet may have turned him into somewhat of a degenerate over the years, even if he knew he wouldn't enjoy everything on the list. He put circles in the boxes for 'collar', 'leash', 'petplay', 'Dominant/submissive', 'humiliation', 'name-calling', 'slavery', 'discipline', 'begging', and 'power exchange', meaning those were favourites. He was sort of glad he could fill this in privately; he could admit this sort of stuff to himself, but actually saying it out loud was another story. He hovered the pencil over 'exhibitionism', thinking for a moment and chewing his lower lip, before just ticking the box, to mean that it was an 'enjoy' rather than 'favourite'.

His head snapped up as the door to the lounge opened, a woman entering then starting in shock when she saw Sirius.

"Oh! Sorry, I thought it was empty," she apologized.

"O-oh, no, it's fine." Sirius waved a hand at her. "I was just, um..." He glanced at the paper. "Writing?" He sounded comically unsure, and she laughed.

"Remus got you doing a checklist?" She asked, shutting the door behind her. She was decidedly more modest-looking than James had been, with a comfy-looking knitted sweater and shorts, and deep red hair that tumbled in waves over her shoulders. She had a green band around her throat though, similar to James's thick black one. It matched her eyes. She approached Sirius, sitting cross-legged on the sofa and pulling a phone out of her pocket. Sirius suddenly remembered she'd asked him a question.

"Um, yeah," he looked at the papers. "I'm, um, still sort of new to this stuff."

"Do you need any help?" She offered, before pausing. "I'm Lily, by the way."

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, James mentioned you."

"Oh, of course he did." She rolled her eyes, smiling. "You're Sirius, right? Have you been given a tour of the place yet, or is, um, Remus still holed up in his study?"

"Does he do that a lot?" Asked Sirius, trying not to sound too worried. "Just, I suppose I wanted to... I wanted to live here to actually _see_ him, you know? This place is so big, it feels like it's easy to be alone here." It reminded Sirius a little of his parents' house, and that was never a good thing. He'd bought that mansion back home out of impulse, the excitement of actually having his own money for the first time since his parents cut him off. But he didn't _enjoy_ having so much empty space.

Lily nodded understandingly. "Don't worry," she assured him. "He does a lot of work, but honestly he's around most of the time." She was quiet for a second, an amused expression on her face. "Don't tell him I said this," she said quietly. "But I think he's nervous because of you coming here."

Sirius blinked at her, mind going blank with equal amounts of confusion and surprise. "Wh... Why?!"

She laughed. "Well, come on - you're essentially famous." She held her hand up when Sirius opened his mouth to argue. "Everyone here knows who you are, Remus has been planning your arrival for weeks. He's been freaking out, he wanted everything to be perfect. And he _knows_ there's going to be a huge media and public backlash when they realise you're gone back in the UK, we all do. I know _I've_ been mentally preparing for a few months now, and I already get a good amount of online hate to begin with, so I'm used to it."

Sirius's heart was beating in his ears, and he felt a little sick. More than anything though, he felt... Selfish. Selfish that his coming here was so complicated and difficult, when all he wanted was to be happy. Did he not deserve that, to live how he wanted to live? Was it always going to end up hurting people in the process?

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, eyes locked on the papers in front of him but not really seeing them. Lily smiled at him, shrugging.

"It's not your fault," she told him softly. "You just have to live how you want to live. We all knew what would happen, and we're all happy to have you here. I promise."

Lily, like Remus, had that strange quality about her where Sirius couldn't help but believe every word she said. He nodded.

They were quiet for few minutes, while Sirius went back to the checklist and Lily swiped on her phone, chewing her lip as she did, before she looked over at him. "You nearly finished with that?" She asked. "If you want I can show you around the house a bit. It's lunchtime anyway, have you eaten?"

Sirius filled in the last box he needed to - a cross in the box for 'waterboarding', since he was pretty sure that sounded awful - and hummed softly. "That sounds like a good idea," he said. "I actually haven't eaten since the plane journey." He shrugged sheepishly.

"Nerves?" She asked, standing up and slipping her phone into the back pocket of her shorts. "Don't worry, the kitchen'll be our last stop." She smiled at him, and he reached over to set the papers and pencil back on the coffee table before standing too, following her out of the room.

"So, um, what did Remus actually tell you about me?" He asked curiously. "I mean, I'm assuming you know more about me than I do about you guys."

Lily turned to look back at him as she lead him across the hall and through an archway perpendicular to the french doors that lead out to the back yard - if it could really be called a 'yard', thought Sirius; it stretched out so far into the distance that he couldn't actually see the back of it.

"Well," she said as they walked down a short corridor with a few doors to their left, and one door at the end, "we've obviously all listened to your music - which is pretty great, by the way," she grinned at him, green eyes glinting mischievously, "D- er, Remus just sort of said that you guys met at a kink party, spent a couple of days in LA together, and we know you guys were talking online. James likes to joke that you're Remus's long-distance boyfriend." She opened the first door on their left, stepping inside and flicking a light switch.

The room was a good size, and everything was very bright - the furniture appeared to be cedarwood and cream-coloured cushioning, but it was far from your average furnished room - almost everything seemed to be some sort of restraint device - there was a Saint Andrew's cross in the corner, covered in a pale leather with gold-coloured restraints, and one of the walls was covered corner to corner in equipment - paddles, floggers, rope, cuffs, hoods. Sirius opened his mouth to comment, but nothing came out. Lily looked amusement by his reaction.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Um, yeah.." Sirius coughed softly. "I just, um, I was expecting to be shown, I don't know... A bathroom? A dining room, or something?"

"Did you forget where you were?" She asked with a laugh, as she flicked the light switch off and ushered Sirius back into the hall. "So, this corridor is usually where you'll go for specific scenes," she explained to him. "If you and Remus negotiate things beforehand, you'll usually end up in one of these." She gestured to the other doors on the left. "Though if I'm honest with you, they don't get used nearly as much as they probably should; James is too impulsive to negotiate anything half the time, and he's the one that likes pain enough to even use half the devices in them."

"What about that one?" Sirius nodded down the corridor, to the door at the end. Lily glanced over her shoulder at the door, before looking back at Sirius with a small frown.

"That one's private," she said. "Remus doesn't actually let anyone in there, it's always locked. I'm sure he doesn't tell us for good reason, so." She shrugged. "I don't know what's in there."

"You haven't even asked?" Sirius looked at her incredulously as she walked past him, and he began to follow her back to the main hall.

"Of course I've asked," she said, "but he said that it's his own business, and I'm not going to pry. Don't get me wrong," she added quickly, seeing Sirius's face. "I'm curious. But if Remus doesn't want to say something, he won't. No use pushing him." She shrugged. "I don't trust a lot of people, but I trust him. If he doesn't want us to know what's in there, it's for a good reason."

Sirius frowned, but said nothing. He glanced back at the door as they left the corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have ideas for this fic in general for some semblance of a story, but if anyone has any ideas themselves for the characters, whether it's a smutty idea or not, please lemme know! There will be smut within the next couple of chapters, so yeah~
> 
> Please leave kudos or a comment if you like (or even if not, constructive criticism is good too)! Comments let me know that people appreciate my writing and usually a nice comment will make my whole day, so yeah "^^


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius wants nothing more than to trust Remus. And he does, almost. But he also knows that there's something the other isn't telling him, he just doesn't know what.

**California - 2020**

As it turned out, the stairs leading down in the hall actually lead to an impressive-looking kitchen and dining area. The floor was marble, with a matching breakfast bar and counter tops, opposite the large range and fridge, and small circular lights embedded in the ceiling. There was a regular dining table and chairs, but they looked as though they'd been added in as an afterthought rather than actually being thought about beforehand.

"Did you already have lunch, Pete?" Lily was asking the short, mousey-haired young man who was putting a plate in the dishwasher. He looked over at her, eyes darting to Sirius and back to Lily. He gave a small smile.

"Oh, um, yeah. You guys can have the kitchen to yourselves-"

"Don't be silly, stay down here and help me keep Sirius company! He just got here this morning." She scooted past him to look into what Sirius assumed was a bread bin, pulling out a packet of bagels. "You're not the new guy anymore I'm afraid Pete," she teased with a smile, before looking over at Sirius. "What do you want to eat?" She asked. "I can make you a bagel if you want, that's what I'm having."

Sirius hesitated, before sliding into one of the stools at the breakfast bar and nodding. "Um, yeah, sure." He smiled at Peter, who looked a little awkward, but nodded at Sirius politely. He was wearing a baggy sweater and brown trousers, but Sirius couldn't see anything on his neck like the other two.

"Peter's only been here a few months," Lily explained, as she got out plates and cutlery.

"Oh." Sirius looked between Lily and the other man, contemplating for a moment. "Would it be rude to ask how you lot got here?" He asked. "I mean, did you come here like me, or?"

Lily glanced at Peter quickly, worry flashing in her eyes for just a second. "Um, it's complicated," she said.

"James is probably the only one who actually came here under good circumstances," said Peter, thrusting his hands into his pockets.

"Not that I'm _not_ here by choice," Lily added quickly, as she looked through the fridge for bagel ingredients. "But I also came here initially because I-I didn't really have many better options - James has been with Remus since the start."

"Are they boyfriends?" Asked Sirius.

"Are who boyfriends?" Came James's voice as he bounded into the kitchen. "Ooh, are you cooking for me Lils? It's a dream come true."

Lily narrowed her eyes at him, though she was also smiling as she spread cream cheese over one of the bagels. "If this wasn't Sirius's food, you'd be getting it thrown in your face, Potter," she said.

"You and Remus," said Sirius, looking over his shoulder at James. "Apparently you've been here the longest."

"Oh yeah, I've known Remus since uni," said James, running a hand through his hair and sitting on a stool one away from Sirius to give them both room to move. "I helped him with his startup company stuff, and he helped me with essays because academia is shit." He shrugged and smiled brightly. "Purely business."

"Apart from all the times you slept together," said Lily. James nodded matter-of-factly. 

"Oh yeah, apart from that." He grinned at Sirius. "You been given a tour yet?"

"Yeah, sort of. Lily showed me some of the rooms downstairs."

James nodded. "Ah yeah, did you see the torture room?"

"The wh-?"

"I didn't show him every room," Lily interjected. "I didn't want to scare him."

Sirius laughed softly, trying to hide his bewilderment. "I don't get scared easily," he assured them.

"That's... Probably a good thing, since you're here," said James, his tone suddenly a little more serious. There was silence for a moment.

"I'm... Gonna go back upstairs," Peter mumbled, almost to himself, as he slipped out of the kitchen. Sirius looked toward him as he left, brow furrowed.

"I'm having tea," announced James, standing and sidling round to the kettle. Sirius watched them both for a second, as James teased Lily and she rolled her eyes at him, finishing off their bagels and sliding Sirius's plate toward him. He thanked her, thinking as he took a bite.

"Um, can I ask what Peter's deal is?" He asked.

"Hm?" Lily asked through a mouthful of her own food. James glanced at the doorway to make sure they were alone.

"Remus picked him up from a trafficking op a few months ago," he said quietly. Lily swallowed her food and swatted him on the arm.

"James! That's not for you to tell!" She scolded him. "That's Peter's business, you idiot!"

" _We_ don't have 'business', Lily," said James, as though it were obvious. "There's Remus's business, then there's house business. None of _us_ have secrets with each other, and I'm not about to start not talking about stuff because Sirius is new. Nothing we say goes outside the house anyway, what difference does it make?" He shrugged. "It's not as though Sirius is going to say anything unless he wants to become a political prisoner and get Pete taken away." He laughed, but there was something off about it. Sirius didn't feel hungry suddenly, a hollow feeling in the pit of his stomach. Lily exhaled, giving Sirius an apologetic look.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have asked," Sirius said, shaking his head. "He just seemed sort of different than you guys is all, I wasn't thinking..."

Lily pressed her lips together as James continued making tea, but she shook her head. "It's fine," she said. "Peter isn't really, um... He's not into the whole fetish thing. Remus occasionally takes in people from similar situations, like trafficking or black market things. But usually they end up staying with someone else eventually, another owner that Remus trusts. But, as far as I know, Peter's staying here."

James poured his drink and looked over his shoulder at them as he stirred it. "He wasn't brought into the US legally in the first place," he said. "So he can't travel or do anything like that."

"Would he not just get deported if he left?" Asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow. "I would have thought that would be, you know, a good thing, these days."

James shook his head though. "No, most people who get 'deported' just go missing," he said. "Probably end up in the same sort of situation Remus got him out of in the first place."

"Fuck..."

They ate quietly then for a bit, and James leaned against the counter as he drank his tea.

"Oh, Lily, I was meaning to ask." The three were in the lounge upstairs - Sirius had wanted to grab the checklist and give it back to Remus, so James and Lily had followed him up. James was lying on the couch with his legs hanging over the arm carelessly, while Lily perched on the other end of the sofa and Sirius sat beside her, looking over the checklist in his hands again.

"Hm?"

"When's the next full?" James smirked over at them cockily. "Gotta make sure I'm ready, after all~"

Lily squinted at him, giving him a look. "If it's so important every bloody month, why do you always ask _me_ when it is?" She asked with a laugh. James pouted.

"Because I'm bad at time-keeping!" He said. "We've been over this, you're the organised one here! I'm just here to be funny and look good." He flashed a grin at her.

"It's next week," she told him, folding her arms over her chest with an amused look. "But James, don't be counting on it this month. Not that I'm saying anything for sure, but I'm just warning you." Sirius looked between the two of them as Lily glanced over at him and gave James a look, making the other frown.

"I feel like I'm missing something here," Sirius said, raising a confused eyebrow. "What... What are you talking about?"

"Remus is a werewolf," said James casually. Lily rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she looked at Sirius.

"Ignore him," she said. "We've sort of noticed after a while that Remus gets very, um, _strange_ when it's a full moon, is all."

Sirius tilted his head to the side. "Strange how?" He asked.

"Well, he gets, um..."

"Horny," supplied James. Lily nodded.

"And sort of possessive," she said. "And kind of... Bitey."

"It's like everything about him gets amped up to a thousand." James grinned. "It's great."

Sirius was quiet for a few seconds, brow furrowed. "Do his... Eyes get weird?" He asked. James's eyes widened only slightly - Sirius thought maybe he imagined the panic that flitted momentarily across the other's face.

"Yeah," said Lily. "Was... Was he like that when you guys met?"

Sirius nodded. "Yeah - he was nice and everything, but... Yeah. He looks a lot more normal today than when I met him."

James stood up suddenly. "Think I left something upstairs," he muttered, striding across the lounge. Sirius looked after him, then gave Lily a questioning look. She pulled a face, waiting until the lounge door swung shut before speaking.

"Um, so, Remus usually spends the whole day and night of full moons with James," she explained, her voice a little quieter. "A few years ago apparently, this was before I actually knew him, but Remus travelled a few hours away for business or something, and I suppose he must have told James he'd be back for the full." She paused for a moment, chewing her lip. "He sort of... Didn't come back when he said he would, and he ignored all James's messages - I mean, they _were_ mainly nudes and sexual stuff, this is James we're talking about - but still, it upset James a lot. I-I suppose that was probably the night he met you."

Sirius just blinked at her for a moment, needing a moment to process this. He'd been in LA for business? A fetish party didn't seem much like business.

He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, stomach turning over in unease.

"What the fuck..." He mumbled to himself. "I think I need a word with Remus." Lily watched him, worried, as he stood up, still clutching the papers in one hand.

"Hey, just... Keep a level head about this, okay?" Said Lily. "Remus won't have done anything without reason, that much I'm sure of."

Sirius exhaled heavily. "Yeah, well, hopefully he can explain himself," he said, turning and leaving the lounge.

There was no sight of James in the hall, and Sirius took the stairs two at a time, filled by a sort of sudden anger that was only fueled further by the confusion behind it.

He was glad he remembered which door was Remus's study, and he threw open the door without knocking, glaring at Remus who'd been typing something with a look of concentration, but stopped to blink over at Sirius.

"Sirius-?"

"Do you want to explain yourself?" He asked, stepping inside and slamming the door shut behind him. Remus raised his eyebrows.

"Excuse me?"

"Well _apparently_ the night you met me, you were basically cheating on James?" Sirius didn't really know how to articulate what Lily had just told him, but he did his best anyway. "Apparently you were ignoring him, you were meant to be back home that night but you weren't. Did you send me that message inviting me to the party? Did you do that on purpose? Am I only here at all because _you_ wanted me here?"

Remus exhaled, closing his laptop and standing. He moved around his desk to lean against it, folding his arms over his chest as he looked at Sirius. "Sirius-"

"Did you orchestrate this whole fucking thing?!" Sirius snapped. His cheeks were stained red and he wasn't sure if it was from anger or humiliation at the idea that he'd just been manipulated this whole time.

"No." Remus's tone was sharp. "I didn't. I _did_ get the Inner Sanctum to send you that invite, yes. And I didn't tell James I was staying because I wasn't planning to, honestly, and it was a complicated situation."

"How the hell is it complicated?!" Sirius realised he was still holding the checklist, and he threw the papers over onto Remus's desk, where they missed and fell on the floor. Sirius scowled, and Remus just sighed.

"Sirius, I... I have a lot of contacts," said Remus. "Not all of them are good people, but sometimes I have to deal with people whether I like them or not-"

"What does that have to do with this?" Asked Sirius hotly, but Remus held a hand up to stop him.

"You're very well known, Sirius. Personally, I followed you online for a while before we met. Nothing weird, I just liked your music. But I'm pretty good at reading people, and it was pretty obvious to me that you're not the ball of confidence you pretend to be. All I wanted from that night at the Sanctum was for you to know you could see me as a friend, that you could trust me. I feel like you don't trust many people."

"Then why meet at a kink party?" Asked Sirius, eyes narrowed. He felt like he was missing something here. "Why not just pretend to run into me at a cafe or something?"

Remus raised an eyebrow at him. "Because I'm not a stalker," he said simply. "I know the people who run the Inner Sanctum, I saw on your social media that you were in LA, and I got them to send you an invite because I was sure you'd be intrigued and go. It's not as though I was hacking your emails to look at what hotel you were staying in, I'm not _that_ awful." He looked almost hurt, and Sirius felt bad for a second.

"Okay... But then why sleep with me?" Asked Sirius. Remus frowned.

"Well, I mean, look at you," he said, gesturing vaguely at Sirius, who gave him an unimpressed look.

"James said you get weird on full moons," he said plainly. "Is that why?"

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose, inhaling deeply for a moment. "Sirius, I become... Less in control of myself, during full moons," he said. Sirius got the sense that he was picking his words carefully again. "It was purely a coincidence that we met on a full moon, and, well, if I'm completely honest, I feel like I would have ended up sleeping with you regardless of what phase the moon was in. Though during a full I _do_ get a bit more, um..."

"Horny?" Sirius raised an eyebrow, and Remus snorted softly.

"Well, yes." His expression softened. "Sirius, I promise you, all I wanted from our meeting was for you to feel like you had someone you could trust. I just wanted to be there for you."

Sirius narrowed his eyes - he still felt like there was something Remus wasn't telling him. "What about James?" He asked.

"Mine and James's relationship has always been open," Remus assured him. "I've slept with other people, so has he, and it's never been an issue. But apparently I'm not the only one who gets possessive around full moons." He sighed. "I'll talk to him about it; I didn't realise he'd been so upset about it..." He frowned, looking at the floor for a moment. Sirius felt like the conversation was over - part of him still wanted to prod the other, to see what else Remus was hiding, but he supposed he'd done all he could for now.

"I... I suppose I'll go then," he said, biting his lip. "Um, sorry about barging in and all that."

Remus raised his head to look back at Sirius. "It's fine, I understand why you were upset," he said. He looked at the papers on the floor where they'd fallen. "Hand me those first," he said. "You did come to give them back, right? Did you fill them in?"

Sirius blinked at him for a second, before nodding and moving to pick up the papers. "O-oh, yeah." He straightened up and handed them to Remus, who took them and lifted a hand to stop Sirius from leaving.

"Wait there."

Sirius stood awkwardly as Remus read through the checklist thoroughly, expression serious. Sirius couldn't help but feel like a schoolboy who'd just given a report card to his parents and was waiting anxiously for their opinion. He shifted a little as he waited for Remus to finish reading.

A faint smirk had begun to work its way onto Remus's face.

"You enjoy humiliation?" He asked, looking at Sirius.

"Um, yeah..." Sirius nodded, eyes flitting anywhere but at Remus's own. The older man nodded, glancing back at the list.

"Begging, discipline, leashes, collars," Remus read off some of the kinks that Sirius had indicated were his favourites. Sirius could feel his cheeks heating up, and he was sure he was bright red - checking them off in private had been easy, but he hadn't thought about Remus actually reading them aloud in front of him.

"Y.. yeah," he muttered, deciding to stare intensely at Remus's chest instead of anywhere else. Remus put the papers down on his desk and stood up straight, looking down at Sirius - Sirius didn't look at his face, but he just knew that the bastard would have the most smug expression.

"Do you know what all that spells out to me, Sirius?" Remus asked. His voice was calmer before, with that quiet authority that hadn't been there before. Sirius swallowed hard, shaking his head. He was still staring at that one spot on Remus's sweater - he didn't think he could handle the embarrassment of looking up at the man like this.

"N-no."

Sirius felt Remus's hand on his chin, forcing his face upward. He closed his eyes instinctively - not as though they were about to kiss, but as though he was bracing himself. Above him, he heard Remus let out the quietest chuckle, and suddenly he could feel the other's breath on his face.

"That you're a dog," said Remus simply. Sirius could hear the amused smile in his voice - he didn't need to see it. "That all you want, Sirius, is to be a mindless, stupid animal. That you want someone to train you, and show you what a debased, pathetic creature you are."

Sirius couldn't bear to open his eyes, but he inhaled shakily. He felt Remus's thumb brush his cheek ever so lightly. The other's voice was as smooth as velvet, and Sirius's heart was already pounding.

"And I know you don't want to admit it, but that's what you need, isn't it? Someone to force you to see it, to force you to let go of everything. People carry so much inside them - but you just want someone to tell you you don't have to be a person anymore, don't you?"

Sirius didn't even want to breathe, didn't want to move in case he ruined this moment. He knew that Remus was right - Remus was so, so right - but Sirius knew he'd never be able to bring himself to admit it out loud.

He could feel those eyes on him, that gaze taking in every detail of his expression, and after steeling himself he opened his eyes, wide black irises finding safe, warm honey brown.

"Do you trust me, Sirius?" He asked. Sirius swallowed hard, nodding. Of course he did - he felt like he shouldn't, but when Remus was all he could see, feel, smell... It all felt far too easy to give that trust to him. Remus smiled. "Use your words," he said.

"Y-yes." Sirius's voice was barely above a whisper. His eyes fell closed as Remus ran a hand through his hair gently, and Sirius instinctively leaned his head into the other's touch.

"Good boy."

Sirius wasn't sure how he'd ended up on his knees between the other's legs, as Remus sat at the chair behind his desk, pants unzipped and carding a hand through Sirius's hair, but here he was. It was frighteningly easy to let his mind go blank, to just let Remus guide him and tell him what to do, no thoughts of his own other than abstract feelings of pleasure when he was told he was good.

Remus's cock was... Actually probably bigger than Sirius remembered it; he had probably made it smaller in his mind because who the _hell_ was this big? But apparently Remus was, and Sirius couldn't exactly say he was displeased about it.

"That's it..." Remus murmured, as Sirius dragged his tongue up the underside of his shaft, and closed his lips around the tip with a soft moan. Remus inhaled sharply, hand tight on Sirius's hair. Sirius could tell the other was refraining from bucking upward, and honestly he was grateful - he didn't think he could even come close to handling that.

"Relax your throat, and breathe through your nose," Remus instructed him, his voice gentle but breathless, as Sirius bobbed his head slowly, trying to take in a little more every time he went back down. He gagged a little as he felt the tip hit the back of his throat, and Remus gasped, his grip on Sirius's hair tightening. "Ah, fuck... That's it, good boy." Remus's tone was just the right balance of encouraging and patronising, and Sirius groaned desperately around his cock, reaching down to slide one hand into his pants. That earned him a sharp tug on the hair as Remus pulled his face upward, not completely off of his length but enough that Sirius yelped and looked up at him, eyes watering and unfocused. Remus's own were half-lidded from arousal as he panted softly.

"Dogs don't touch themselves," he chided, smirking at Sirius, who could only let out a pathetic-sounding whine, the noise muffled around Remus's cock. Remus sighed softly, amusement mingling with the arousal on his expression, before shifting a little to slide a leg between Sirius's thighs. "You _can_ hump your master's leg though, if you're such a desperate little mutt."

Sirius huffed softly through his nose, feeling his cheeks turn red as he rubbed himself embarrassingly against Remus's leg, taking more of the other's cock into his mouth with a heady moan. Remus groaned softly, pushing Sirius's head down lightly but not forcing him to go further than he could. Sirius knew he wouldn't be able to come this way, but it just felt so _good_ to pleasure Remus, to hear the other's moans above him and know he was the reason for them.

Sirius was breathing hard through his nose now, his mouth barely halfway down Remus's cock, which was making him gag and drool every time it slid just past the back of his throat, humping Remus's leg like a desperate whore. He didn't have enough brainpower left over to think about his dignity, or total lack thereof, and when Remus tugged at his hair to force him to make eye contact, a shudder of violent arousal went through his whole body and his eyes rolled up briefly. Remus pulled him off of his cock completely, and Sirius panted heavily, tongue hanging out, still drooling as he gazed up at the other man with an expression that was somewhere between adoration, desperation and total arousal. Remus smirked, almost triumphantly, as he held Sirius's hair with one hand and pumped his own cock with his other.

"Want me to come on your face, slut?"

Remus's voice was low and harsh, and it went straight to Sirius's cock. Sirius nodded, moaning as he continued to rut against Remus's leg. "P-please," he muttered.

Remus bit his lip, looking like he held back a moan. "Please _what_?" He asked, slapping his cock against Sirius's face with a breathy chuckle. "Address me properly, you little whore. I don't care how desperate you are."

Sirius groaned shakily, hands balled into fists as he tried not to touch Remus, or to touch himself as he rubbed harder against the other. "P... Please, Master!"

Remus let out a loud, sudden noise that was somewhere between a harsh moan and a growl, and Sirius gasped sharply as the other came, thick white ropes covering his cheeks and mouth. He shut his eyes tightly as some shot onto his forehead, and Remus panted heavily, relaxing into his chair again as he looked down at Sirius.

"Ohh, fuck..." He muttered, looking down at the other and giving a faint chuckle. Almost Sirius's whole face was coated in cum, which was slowly starting to drip down onto his chest. He seemed hesitant to open his eyes.

"Um, a little help," he spluttered, hearing Remus's amusement over him.

Remus grabbed a tissue from his desk and wiped Sirius's mouth and eyes gently.

"Sorry about that," he said with a grin, as Sirius blinked up at him with a grimace. "Next time I'll go for your chest."

Sirius snorted. "Yeah, that'd probably be better. I don't think getting cum in my eye is one of my kinks."

Remus laughed, tossing the tissue over to the waste bin beside his desk. "Are you still hard?" He asked. Sirius had only stopped humping his leg when Remus had come, and that was mainly from the shock of being suddenly given the biggest facial he'd ever received. Sirius blinked up at him.

"Er, yeah," he admitted. "But, I mean, you just came, so we don't have to-"

"I want to watch you touch yourself," said Remus, resting an elbow on his desk, removing his leg from the other's thighs - a dark wet patch now on his pants that made Sirius's heart pound in embarrassment - and watching Sirius intently. "I want you to sit back on the floor, remove your pants, and make yourself come for me."

Sirius hesitated, but only for barely a second, before he did as he was told, sitting back and pulling off his jeans and underwear. He glanced up at Remus, but he had to look away - there was no way he could touch himself while maintaining eye contact, that was way too much. Sirius had been intimate with people in the past, sure - well, not many, but he was good at giving blowjobs and then giving the other person excuses as to why they couldn't return the favour, or why they couldn't have _actual_ sex, or why they weren't allowed to see him naked. He'd never thought that anyone would actively want to _watch_ him get off, though - that was totally new to him.

He supported himself with one hand as he leaned back, spreading his legs and keeping his eyes down as he took his cock between his fingers and pumped himself quickly, rubbing over his tip and squeezing himself just the right amount. He would have started off slow, tried to make some sort of show of it, but he was too close to finishing to have any sort of restraint at this point. He sighed and moaned softly, breathing becoming quicker as he tugged on his cock.

"Look at me," came Remus's voice. Sirius bit his lip, steeling himself for a moment, before gazing up at the other man. Remus was watching him with a satisfied expression, eyes roaming his body freely. He locked eyes with Sirius, and smirked. "You had better not come without asking, dog."

Sirius sucked in a jagged breath, unable to help the shaky moan that fell from his lips as he rubbed his cock roughly, running his fingers down his soft, soaked entrance and pushing inside himself, using his other hand to pump himself. He didn't look away from Remus - he could see how much the other was enjoying seeing him fall apart, and just knowing that sent him closer to the edge.

"A-ahh, fuck..." He gasped. "Fuck, god, p-please..."

Remus chuckled. "I mean, you can call me God if you'd really like to," he said, "but I have a feeling that's not what you want to call me."

Sirius was desperate. "Master, please! P-please, I n-need to come!" He cried. "Please, fuck!"

Remus was quiet for a moment, but the moment seemed to last forever as Sirius tried to hold back his orgasm, body trembling and covered in a thin layer of sweat.

"You can come, Sirius."

Sirius saw white.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No smut I'm afraid, but Sirius and James bond a little over the devil's lettuce lmao, and there's some more vanilla-ish interactions between Remus and Sirius too. This chapter is so gosh darn long and I feel like nothing even happens, I'm so sorry asdfghjkjhgfds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is sort of all over the place so I'm sorry if it's terrible despite the fact that it's waaaay longer than every other chapter so far "^^
> 
> Also, I apologize for any mistakes, it's currently 3am and I gave it a quick once-over after finishing the chapter, but I've wanted to finish it properly for days now so I didn't want to wait any longer before uploading! I'm an impatient ass, oops.
> 
> Initially, this chapter was gonna be something else entirely, but I got to like 3k words and scrapped about 50% of it, hence why it took longer than usual. Sorryyyyyy

Sirius woke quite suddenly, unprompted, and it took a minute or so for his brain to catch up with his situation as he looked up at the ceiling, blinking groggily. 

"Shit..." He mumbled to himself, sitting up. "I thought it was some sort of weird dream." He looked around the bedroom, brow furrowed. He hadn't closed the curtains before crawling into bed last night, so blinding sunlight poured in through the window, bouncing off of the crystal lampshade on his bedside table and throwing soft rainbows across the room. His bags were in the corner, guitar still in its case, and one of the bags open haphazardly from where he'd grabbed pyjama pants the previous evening. He ran a hand through his hair, unsure what to do for a moment, before slipping out of bed and moving over to the clothes he'd been wearing yesterday, which were laid over the chair at the desk, which his guitar case was leaning against. He fished his phone out of the pockets - he'd barely even thought about checking it until now, if he was completely honest. It was strange, but he'd been understandably distracted. His battery was doing okay, and he had around one hundred and fifty texts altogether, and twenty missed phone calls. Nothing had come through on the internet, though - he'd have to ask for the WiFi password, he decided. He moved to sit on the bed as he read through texts from Dorcas, Davey, the band's manager Liam, even Gilderoy. Asking why he hadn't replied to them, why he wasn't picking up the phone, where he was, why their online messages to him weren't going through suddenly, and asking why it was suddenly costing so much to try and call him. He chewed his lip as he scrolled through the notifications, not wanting to open anything. He just wanted to ignore them forever and never have to deal with it, though he knew he couldn't realistically do that. 

He didn't read every message, assuming they were all basically the same, and tossed his phone aside with a heavy exhale. He paused a second, before picking his phone up again to check the time. It was almost six in the morning - jeez, he never woke up this early. Probably adrenaline or something, he told himself, from being in a new place and all that.

"May as well go downstairs," he muttered to himself, standing and looking around himself. It wasn't as though he had anything better to do, and coffee sounded like a good idea. He tried to neaten the bed up a little, pulling the duvet back into place, before tying his hair back messily and stepping out into the hall. 

The sunlight seemed to permeate the house, filling the empty space with a warm, drowsy glow. Sirius padded down the hall, bare feet silent on the soft carpet, and keeping an eye out for anyone else awake as he headed downstairs.

At the sound of paper rustling softly in the lounge, Sirius stopped, poised with one foot on the landing and the other on the last step of the staircase. The door to the lounge was slightly ajar, and Sirius hesitated before curiosity got the better of him and he pushed the door open just enough to see who else was up at this ridiculous hour.

Remus sat on the windowsill at the far wall of the room, steaming cup of coffee in one hand and an open book resting on his lap, one leg bent up on the sill and the other hanging off. He couldn't have been up long; he was wearing the exact same thing as Sirius - pyjama trousers, and nothing else. But that wasn't what was drawing Sirius's gaze.

Remus's chest, his arms, his stomach - they were all covered, almost entirely, in thin raised scars. The light that streamed through the stained glass almost seemed to highlight them, stark white against his skin that was bathed in all different colours, the window filtering the golden sunlight and turning it vivid blues, reds and greens.

"Good morning, Sirius." Remus didn't look up from his book, but Sirius could see him smiling. "I didn't really take you for a morning person."

"O-oh, er..." Sirius started, unsure what to say as he slipped into the room. He moved closer to the couch, but felt too awkward to sit. "Sorry, I-I didn't mean to, um, intrude."

Remus looked over at him and chuckled softly. "Sirius, you live here too," he reminded the other. "You're not intruding at all." Remus took a sip of his coffee. "Did you sleep well?" He asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah, actually," he said. "Though, um, I checked my phone when I woke up, I have about a million texts from people wondering where I am." He gave a weak laugh. "I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to do with that, you know?"

Remus nodded, frowning. "Hm, yeah. Lily had a similar problem when she first got here, but... It was nothing like your situation." He gave a small smile. "I have a feeling some texts is barely the beginning in this case."

Sirius pulled a face; he knew the other was right. "Yeah..."

Remus set his book down, taking a swig of coffee before setting the mug on the sill and standing up. He stretched, and Sirius couldn't help it as his eyes wandered over the other's body, lean, hard muscle under the uneven, marred skin. 

_What happened to you?_

He wanted to ask Remus about it, but he knew how uncomfortable it made him if anyone commented on his top surgery scars, and those seemed like small-fry compared to this. He had a feeling Remus hadn't received his scars willingly, like Sirius technically had with his.

"So," said Remus with a content sigh, approaching Sirius and perching himself on the arm of the couch. He reached out to hook his hands behind Sirius's thighs, pulling the smaller man closer to him with a smile. Sirius gave a soft chuckle, resting his hands on Remus's shoulders automatically. The skin beneath his fingers was coarse, rough, and he rubbed his thumbs over the other's clavicles. "I was thinking," Remus was saying, "today I could go out and get you some gear." He smiled, eyes heavily lidded. Up closer now, Sirius could see the dark circles under them, could see the slight redness of his eyes and see the severity of those scars. More than anything, Remus looked exhausted.

"Gear?" Sirius asked.

"Mhm." 

Sirius felt the other's thumb rub the back of his thigh gently. 

"If you're going to be my dog, we should probably get you your own collar, for one thing." He smiled, and Sirius swallowed nervously. "And how do you feel about having a tail?"

"A tail? Um, yeah?" Sirius gave a nervous laugh. "I mean, I've never thought about that properly before, but it sounds like fun, so why not?" Remus seemed pleased with that.

"Good." He regarded Sirius for a few seconds, before standing and leaning down to kiss the other, hands resting lazily on the waistband of Sirius's pyjamas. Sirius tried not to seem too eager as he returned the kiss - he liked the softness of the gesture, the normalcy of it. It was early, after all - he'd known there was no way Remus could be so intense all the time. He kept his hands on the taller man's shoulders; he didn't know how Remus felt about people touching his scars, so he didn't want to push his luck. After a moment Remus pulled back and smiled. His eyes were the colour of honey in sunlight, and he smelled like the coffee he'd drunk. Tasted like it, too. "How about I make us both some breakfast, and we can talk more about it?" He said.

Sirius couldn't help himself. "Really?" He asked, giving the other a disbelieving look. Remus blinked in confusion.

"I'm sorry?"

"You're an amazing Dom, you have a massive house, you're a good guy, you're fit as fuck, _and_ you can cook?" Said Sirius. "There _has_ to be something wrong with you. What, are you a serial killer? Do you have ten illegitimate kids hiding somewhere?" He said it half-laughing, shaking his head. Remus spluttered for a second, before laughing in bewilderment and moving away from Sirius to grab his coffee cup. He shook his head at Sirius in amusement.

"I'm assuming when you say 'fit as fuck', you're just choosing not to see this?" He said, gesturing to his marred torso. "Most people wouldn't exactly find bodily deformation hot, you know." 

Sirius narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as he walked with Remus into the hall and toward the kitchen. "Oi, you know you're not the only one here with a body that most people would think of as deformed," he pointed out.

Remus stopped suddenly and looked back at the other with an expression of alarm. "Shit, I'm sorry, you're right," he said. "What I think of myself doesn't reflect how I see you, I promise you that."

Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but found that he wasn't sure what to say. He'd been expecting Remus to snap at him or be defensive, or say that he was being ridiculous or accuse him of making it 'all about him' - Sirius couldn't even remember the last time he'd actually been apologized to sincerely by anyone. He watched as Remus turned to continue back down to the kitchen, before hurrying after him.

"So," said Remus, as he poured ingredients for an omelette into a frying pan, which sizzled satisfyingly, "do you have anything else in mind that you'd want, gear-wise?"

Sirius watched him from one of the stools at the breakfast bar, trying not to get distracted by the sheer beauty of the other man.

"Um, when you say 'gear', what do you mean exactly?" He asked. "Because I mean, I saw one of the rooms upstairs and you seem pretty stocked up with stuff like paddles and rope." He snorted, and Remus smiled as he opened the fridge, shaking his head.

"I mean like... Well, like I said before, a collar for you," he said, "maybe a tail, a puppy hood, paws. We'll get you some knee pads, but you might want a harness, a gag, a muzzle, things like that."

Sirius nodded, thinking. "Do I have to be a puppy?" He asked.

"Not at all, not if you don't want to. Though I _do_ think you'd make a cute one, if you don't mind my saying." Remus flashed him a grin, and Sirius narrowed his eyes indignantly.

"I'm not cute, I'm hot," he protested.

"Well then you'd make a hot puppy," Remus amended himself with a laugh. Sirius snorted.

"What if I wanted to be an adult dog?" Asked Sirius. "Or, I don't know, something else? I know kitten play is a thing, but... What about other animals?"

"You can be any animal you want," said Remus. "If you want to try being a dolphin, we have a pool outside for you." He laughed at the idea, and Sirius couldn't help himself either.

"Okay okay, I'll probably just stick to dog," he said. "I don't think I could really pull off any other animal."

"I think a dog suits you," said Remus. "It's up to you, of course, but... I mean come on." He gave Sirius a look. "Your name is _Sirius_ , surely you had that in mind when you chose it?"

"Well maybe I was just looking at constellations and Sirius happened to be the coolest one," Sirius retorted, ignoring the fact that Remus was partially right. Not entirely, since he _had_ been guilted into keeping the family tradition of constellation-based names. But like he'd said, Sirius was _obviously_ the coolest one anyway.

"Besides," Sirius continued, "Sirius is my regular name. I should have a separate dog name - doesn't everyone here have nicknames?"

Remus pulled a face. "Well, 'nickname' is probably generous," he said. "James insisted everyone start going by them about a year ago now, I think?" He frowned. "I worry about him sometimes, but I have to admit it _has_ sort of caught on a little bit."

"He, um, said you didn't appreciate yours," said Sirius in amusement. A lock of hair had come loose from the messily-tied bun on top of his head, and he twirled the loose hair in his fingers innocently as he watched the other. "Moony, or something?" He kept his tone light and innocent, but Remus looked unimpressed.

"Unfortunately." He shook his head with an exhale. "It's become almost a trigger word now, he just uses it whenever he wants me to be extra rough with him." He rolled his eyes, though his expression was fond as he finished up one omelette and got a plate out, pushing the food over to Sirius along with a knife and fork. As he set to work making a second one, Sirius took a bite of his breakfast - which was actually far better than he'd expected - and thought for a moment. There was so much he wanted to ask Remus, so much he wanted to say. He didn't want to force the conversation into territory _too_ serious, especially this early in the morning. But he also wanted to take advantage of the alone time with Remus.

"Hey, so this is sort of unrelated, but, er, speaking of the moon..." He started slowly. He thought he noticed Remus hesitate for barely a second as he beat a couple of eggs in a bowl, but he might have imagined it. He carried on. "I wanted to ask about that."

"Ask about what, exactly?" Remus's tone was light, but something felt slightly off, guarded. Sirius tried to think about what he was saying before he said it. Something had been in the back of his head for a while, but hearing James and Lily talk about it yesterday had made him remember, a detail that he'd essentially put out of his mind until it had resurfaced just recently.

"Well, you said you become less in control of yourself, right?" He said. Remus hummed affirmatively as he poured the second omelette mixture into the frying pan. "And, I mean, you get horny. And I noticed your eyes go weird for some reason."

Remus exhaled, glancing over his shoulder at the younger man as he moved to open the fridge again. "What are you getting at, Sirius?" He asked. "I did tell you all this yesterday, remember?"

"I know, I know." Sirius held a hand up, hesitating for a moment before speaking again. "And if this is out of line just tell me, because obviously I just got here, and it's not as though I want to just start prying into your private life or anything, but I was just curious, so I'm just-"

"Sirius." Remus shut the fridge and turned to look at him, expression serious - he didn't look genuinely annoyed though, to Sirius's relief. Just exasperated. "Say whatever it is you want to say."

"What was that drug you were taking in your hotel room?" Sirius asked. Remus's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Because I don't remember what it was, but I _do_ remember that whatever it's called, the word ended similar to testosterone, and it was in the same sort of bottle I get my T in so I know it was an injection."

Remus looked like he was about to speak, but Sirius continued, talking fast. He wanted to get everything out while it was in his mind, even if it came out sounding somewhat rushed.

"And if it's some sort of hormone or whatever then you don't have to tell me, but the label on it looked pretty shitty, like you'd got it from some black market dealer or something, a-and I know the label might have been wrong to hide what it was or whatever. And before you say anything, I know it's _not_ T because I mean, bottom surgeries aren't _that_ advanced just yet and your dick is fucking huge, but after James and Lily were talking about it yesterday I remembered the bottle and I just... Wondered if that had anything to do with the full moon thing, is all."

Remus was quiet for a few seconds, seemingly unsure of how to respond to that, before turning to finish off his omelette and putting it on a plate. Sirius could see him frowning in contemplation as he moved into the stool next to Sirius, hesitating before he spoke.

"Okay, well, um..." He paused. "You're bloody observant, I'll give you that."

Sirius beamed proudly, and Remus gave a weak laugh. "Yeah, um, it _does_ have something to do with the... The full moon stuff," he said slowly, "but I'd rather not talk about it, if that's okay." He chewed his lower lip. "No offense," he added, "James only knows bits and pieces, and I haven't said anything to Lily at all. They've never noticed any of the vials; I wasn't really planning on sleeping with you that night, otherwise I would've hidden that one, too. I trust James to keep what little he knows secret - can I trust you, too?"

Sirius nodded as he ate. "Yeah, 'course." He swallowed his food. "I just, I don't know, I just wanted to be sure. If you're my only safety in this country, then I'd rather you weren't a secret heroin addict or something."

Remus snorted. "No, no. Nothing like that," he assured the other. "It's... More for my health, than my detriment." They ate quietly for a moment, before Sirius spoke again.

"So, um, I'd like a tail," he said. "And paws. And if I get a collar, do I get to pick it?"

Remus's smile faded a little, and he raised an eyebrow. "You can't come with me, Sirius," he said, as though it was obvious. Sirius frowned.

"Why not?"

Remus looked incredulous. "Well for one thing, you're a celebrity," he said. "And for another, it's not as though it's like going down to the shops on a regular day, Sirius. It's not safe outside for, well, you know."

"For a submissive?" Sirius supplied, eyes narrowed.

"For property." Remus gave him a hard look. "Sirius, you're staying in this house until all the backlash from the UK blows over, I'm not having you walking around outside where it's not safe. At least in this house, nothing can happen to you."

Sirius scowled. "There hasn't even _been_ any backlash!" He said. "Publicly at least, people barely know I'm gone yet!"

"Oh, so you getting about a hundred worried texts and phone calls, that doesn't matter does it?" Asked Remus. "People are wondering where you are, Sirius. And they're not stupid, they're going to figure it out."

"How? It's not like I've given them anything to go off."

"That doesn't matter. They'll find out, there will be consequences, and it's my job now to keep you safe. Don't make this difficult for me, Sirius."

Sirius glared. "Don't make it difficult for _you_? I'm not a fucking child, Remus."

"Well perhaps don't act like one then," Remus snapped. "You got yourself into this situation-"

"Yeah, because of _you_."

"I was only trying to help, we _both_ wanted you to come here before all of this."

Sirius dropped his fork with a clatter. He stood up with a huff and made to leave the kitchen, but Remus grabbed his wrist, stopping him.

"What?" Growled Sirius. "You think this was what I had in mind, to be locked up in one place and never go out? You think this was what I wanted? You can't possibly expect me to just be fine with never leaving the house!"

"Sirius, no one wants this! You think _I_ enjoy this?" Remus's eyes searched Sirius's face, his gaze pained and his jaw set. Sirius wished he could understand what was going through Remus's mind, but the more he tried to figure it out, the more confusing the whole situation was. He pulled his wrist from Remus's grip and left the kitchen.

Sirius wasn't a child - he was twenty five for God's sake! - but he sure felt like a teenager as he stormed upstairs and shut himself in his room. What else could he do? He needed to be away from Remus for a while. He didn't want to sit in the backyard or the lounge, not in his pyjama pants with his top surgery scars on show, and he couldn't leave the house. How did the others deal with this? Surely they weren't just fine with being cooped up like this, even if it _was_ a large house. If anything, the fact that he'd found himself in yet _another_ massive house that he wasn't allowed to leave made Sirius feel even worse. But then, he supposed, at least the company of Remus and the others was better than his parents. That wasn't a very high bar, though; _anyone_ was better than those assholes. He'd at least thought he'd be able to leave the house with Remus - he hadn't expected to be _totally_ trapped.

"What was I thinking?" Sirius muttered to himself, pacing in front of the bedroom window as he ran his hands through his hair. "Why the _fuck_ did I think this would be a good idea, why did I..?" He stopped, shaking his head and sighing heavily. "God, Sirius, you just make all the worst decisions, don't you? Fuck..." He sat on the bed, looking at the carpet.

What now? There was obviously no going back. Did he even _want_ to go back? Sure, back home he felt like he had to keep his real self hidden to protect his image, he was too afraid to be in a real relationship, he had no family, trusted no one, and his flimsy self-esteem rested solely on the extremely fickle general public who could decide they hated him at any given second, who he felt would hate him if he was honest about himself. But at least he could leave the house, right?

Thinking about it that way, he felt like both options - being here _and_ being back home - were pretty equally terrible. Which made him feel slightly better, he guessed. Sort of. Could it even be called 'freedom' if he felt trapped wherever he went? If he felt like he was always on show, like he could never let his guard down, always at the risk of someone filming him or having a camera on him? The showy, dramatic part of him enjoyed that part, sure, but it also meant that there was no relaxing for him outside of his home. It was more that he'd liked the _idea_ of having eyes on him at all times, before it had become a reality for him.

No relaxing outside of his home. Just like now, he thought to himself. Maybe things weren't so different.

It was a couple of hours later, around half-past nine, when there was a knock at Sirius's door.

"Yeah." Sirius was glad each bedroom had its own bathroom; he'd just finished getting dressed in some of the crumpled clothes from his bag, and his hair was damp from the shower. The bedroom door opened and Remus stood in the doorway. He looked ready to leave. Sirius glanced up at him as he fished in the pockets of his jeans - he'd thought they were empty, but apparently not - and pulled out an old packet of cigarettes. Remus was wearing brown corduroy slacks, and a button-up shirt under a thick wool cardigan - his scars were hidden, and it was easy to forget they were even there. He looked like he belonged in a cottage, or a small library - anywhere but here, really.

"I'm leaving in a second," said Remus. "I just wanted to let you know."

"Good for you." Sirius tossed the squished packet on his bed, and moved to root through his bags for a lighter - he'd never exactly been a regular smoker, but he liked it from time to time. "What, did you want to tell me to be a good boy while you're away?" He asked with a snort. Remus exhaled.

"Sirius..."

"It's fine, Remus." Sirius didn't know if he was even angry at Remus - he was just frustrated at the whole situation, and everything was weird and confusing. He _had_ come here of his own accord, like Remus had said. It technically wasn't Remus's fault. Sirius was an adult, he'd known what he was doing.

"It's not though, is it?"

Sirius found a lighter in his bag and stood up. He didn't know what to say.

"Sirius, we'll talk about this properly later, okay?"

Sirius just nodded. He'd never been very good at talking about things; he'd grown up being ashamed of himself, and being taught that everyone would only ever be ashamed of him, too. Things like that were difficult to get past and unlearn, but he knew that Remus at least would make an effort for him. He didn't know if that made him feel better or not.

He pulled out a cigarette from the packet and put it between his lips, looking at Remus, who was still stood watching him. 

"What?"

Remus opened his mouth as if to say something, but just sighed. "Open a window if you're going to smoke," he said. "I'll be back in a few hours." He turned and left Sirius's sight. Sirius lit the cigarette and inhaled deeply, as he listened to Remus's footsteps getting quieter, voices downstairs, then the front door opening and closing as he left. He blew out smoke through his nose and rubbed his forehead in frustration. Now what?

Sirius looked around the room, before remembering his phone. Maybe he _should_ let someone know he was alive, he thought, as he moved over to pick it up and check the screen, which was full of notifications. He still needed to ask for the WiFi password, but texts and calls seemed to be working at least, and the battery had a little bit of charge left. He unlocked the phone and moved to open the bedroom window, sitting on the sill and flicking the excess cigarette ash outside. He frowned as he went into his text app, before the phone buzzed suddenly, startling him as the incoming call screen appeared. He put his cigarette between his lips and automatically went to tap the green circle to answer, before he read the name properly and stopped.

_Regulus._

Sirius froze, wide-eyed, staring at the phone with the cigarette hanging from his lips until it stopped buzzing thirty seconds later. When the call screen went away and showed his messages app again, Sirius hesitated before looking through who had texted him - Dorcas (of course), Davey, Liam, Gilderoy, a few acquaintances he'd spoken to a couple of times who probably thought they were closer to Sirius than they really were, about thirty unknown numbers, and.... Regulus.

Sirius felt stupid for being surprised that his brother had tried contacting him; Regulus had only sent the occasional text since Sirius had left home, but Sirius had always ignored the messages due to a mix of anxiety and just plain not knowing what to say. He wasn't sure if he liked knowing that his little brother was probably worried about him, but whether he liked it or not, it was just another thing on the steadily growing pile of crap that was stressing him the fuck out. He inhaled smoke and took the cigarette from his lips, flicking away the ash out the window again and blowing the smoke out of the side of his mouth.

Sirius's head snapped up when the bedroom door opened to reveal James, looking like he'd just rolled out of bed. His hair stuck up every which way, and he wore boxer shorts and a T-shirt, with the same glasses and collar around his neck as the previous day.

"Do you not knock?" Asked Sirius without thinking. James snorted.

"No, course not. You okay? You look stressed."

Sirius exhaled, locking his phone and tossing it onto his bed. "I'm fine," he said. "What, er, what do you want?"

"Do you know where Remus went?" The taller man stood with one hand on either side of the door frame, swinging himself back and forth as he talked. Sirius shrugged.

"Uh, he went to pick up some, er, gear?" He said uncertainly. "I don't know where exactly, though. He said I'm not allowed to leave, are you guys all stuck inside too?" He finished his cigarette and tossed it outside unthinkingly, folding his arms over his chest.

James shrugged. "Well, sort of," he said. "It's not like there's anywhere to go, even if we _could_. You get used to it, I only leave when Remus has to go to company things and takes me with him, so not a lot. I think Lily's left about three times since she got here, and Pete can't go anywhere."

Sirius took a moment to process that, wrinkling his nose. "That's a bit shit," he said finally. James laughed.

"Well I mean, you're not _technically_ trapped," he said. "You _can_ leave - but you've got armed guards on the streets, security cameras everywhere, and if they find out you're _Remus's_ , they're gonna hold you ransom or something and you might never see us again."

Sirius had picked up the old packet of cigarettes, checking how many were inside (just two), when he looked up at James with a strange expression. "What makes Remus any different?" He asked. James deliberated for a moment.

"He's... Well, I don't know," he admitted. "He doesn't tell me things, he's irritating like that." He gave a laugh. "But the way I see it, the rich and powerful arseholes over here will do anything to keep their power, right? But Remus is one of the few who's rich and powerful _without_ being a massive arsehole, so naturally all the arseholes in power hate him."

"Well, if he's so powerful, then why can't he change anything?" Sirius retorted, rolling his eyes. He offered the packet of cigarettes to James, who shook his head in refusal and shrugged.

"Well, he owns a big company, he does a lot of charity, has a lot of influence over people who like money, he's powerful in that sort of way. But he doesn't really trust anyone and most people don't trust him either - if people don't want to listen to him, they don't have to. I don't know how it all works, okay, I'm just a lowly slave." He grinned. "Hey," he added, nodding to the cigarette packet, "Remus won't be back for a few hours. Why don't we get something a bit stronger than those?"

Sirius raised his eyebrows, before putting the packet down on his desk and shrugging. "Sure, fuck it." James's eyes glinted mischievously, as he pushed himself away from the door frame and gestured for Sirius to follow him.

"Where are the other two?" Sirius asked, as he traipsed after James down the hall, toward Remus's study.

"I think Lily's working today, and Pete's probably in his room."

"Working?"

"Mhm!" James entered the study and made a beeline for the bookshelves behind Remus's desk, rummaging through them carefully. "She does commentary videos online, mainly serious stuff. They're really good, she knows what she's talking about - she writes and edits them all herself, they're like little essays you can watch. Remus has had a few warning letters from the government about it in the past."

"Really?" Sirius watched as James pulled a jar from the back of one of the highest shelves, unscrewed the top, and pulled out a good-sized joint - there was no mistaking what it was; Sirius could smell it from the doorway. James nodded, turning to grin at Sirius. 

"Oh yeah - of course, Remus being Remus, he always finds loopholes for this sort of thing, so she's never had to actually stop doing what she's doing. _Technically_ she's not spreading negativity about it all - it's just implied with how shitty the facts are, you know?" He looked in the drawers of Remus's desk until he found a rather expensive-looking silver lighter, and came back over to Sirius.

"As the new guy, you get to start it off," he said, holding the two objects out. Sirius took them, but didn't light the joint.

"Isn't this Remus's weed?" He asked. James waved a hand dismissively.

"Oh, it's fine," he said. "Remus has plenty - for pain or something, I think. I asked about it ages ago, I don't actually remember the excuse he gave. It's not like I can blame him, if I was in his place I'd probably have graduated from weed to ket or something by this point." He snorted, moving past Sirius and further down the hall to another room. Not wanting to be left alone, Sirius lit the joint, took a large drag, and blew out the smoke as he hurried after James into the room at the end of the hall.

This had to be Remus's room, Sirius thought to himself. Clearly the master bedroom, this one was bigger and grander than the others. There were a few bookshelves, a properly-sized desk with objects strewn all over it, and the bed had a red velvet canopy and four posters.

"Why are you making the bed?" Sirius took another drag on the joint as he watched James pull the bed sheets neatly. The other looked over at him.

"Because I'm a good boy, _obviously_ ," he said, straightening up and approaching Sirius. "Now hand over the weed." Sirius passed him the joint with a laugh, and James puffed out his chest as he took a drag, blowing a couple of smoke rings and handing it back. "I'm usually the one that does most of the housework," said James with a shrug. "I like it." He squinted. "Okay, no, I like it when Remus fucks me as a reward for said housework later on," he amended. Sirius snorted.

"Course," he said with a nod. "I mean, I don't blame you." He leaned against the wall as James went around the room, fluffing up the pillows and tidying the desk. "Do you get punished if you _don't_ do all this, then?" He asked. He hoped it didn't look like he was glaring - he'd always been a bit of a lightweight, and he had to squint in order for his eyes to work without stinging with dryness already.

"Yeah, but not in a fun way," said James, taking the joint and having a few puffs in between chores. He led Sirius from the bedroom, and they headed downstairs, Sirius watching his feet careful as he walked so he didn't fall over. "It's more like... Having to do lines, or write an essay about why I should do my chores, rather than being spanked or anything like that. The bastard knows I like all that stuff too much for it to count as a punishment."

Sirius laughed. "Well, I guess that's fair."

"It may be fair, but I'm still gonna complain about it," said James matter-of-factly. "Not around Remus though, or he'll make me fucking... I don't know, balance a vase on my head and make me list ten reasons why it _is_ fair."

Sirius laughed, almost dropping the joint.

Sirius trailed after James as the latter vacuumed and dusted, watered the house plants and took out the trash. The passed the joint back and forth until there was nothing left of it, and James tossed the roach in with the garbage.

"So what were you looking at before?" Asked James. "You looked like someone had died." At this point it was obvious that James was handling the weed far better than Sirius - it just seemed to make the other more energetic, and maybe a little prone to going on a couple of tangents while talking. The two of them were in the lounge, and Sirius was lying on his back on the rug. His head was spinning a little, and he grimaced.

"Oh, god, shit, yeah..." Sirius lifted a hand to run his fingers through his hair, scratching his scalp lightly. It was a few seconds before he continued. "My brother tried to call me."

"You have a brother?" James squinted at him for a moment. "I don't remember seeing that on your Wikipedia page. I'm pretty sure I read the whole thing when Remus said you were coming here." He paused. "Is that weird? That's probably a bit creepy, I don't mean it in a weird way."

Sirius laughed, shaking his head. "It's fiiiine." He spoke a little slower than normal. He realised he was still shaking his head, and stopped before continuing. "There's a lot about me that's not on there anyway, so it's not really that accurate anyway. But, yeah, I haven't seen him in like a million years... I usually ignore him. I don't know." He sighed.

"I was an only child," said James. "But I had my parents. They were alright."

Sirius snorted. "They were alright?" He repeated, looking up at James. "Bit of a weird way to describe your parents."

"I mean they were nice and everything, they just... Expected a lot, you know? Why, how would you describe yours?" James looked amused, and Sirius couldn't tell if it was just general amusement, or if James hadn't expected him to be such a lightweight.

"Ugh..." Sirius grimaced, squinting up at the ceiling light. "Shitbags, probably. Abusive, uptight twats."

"And that's a normal way to describe parents?" Asked James, one eyebrow raised. "Your brother like that too, then?"

Sirius shrugged. "S'complicated," he muttered. "And it's a normal way to describe _my_ parents, for sure."

They were quiet for a moment, before James spoke. "I forgot to do the fucking laundry." He made no move to get up, though. Sirius chuckled.

"I'm sure Remus will live," he said. "Do you have to do this stuff every single day?"

"Hmm, usually like every other day," said James. "I mean, with the house chores and all that sort of thing. There's a few things that I have to do everyday, like make Remus's bed, make sure the kitchen's clean, that sort of thing." He was quiet for a moment, frowning. "If he asks about the laundry I'll just tell him I'm still pissed at him," he said.

"Wait, what?" Sirius squinted up at James - he was gonna need water soon, he thought to himself. His eyes were so dry...

"You know, because of the whole... The whole thing." James waved a hand at Sirius. "The thing with you, you know?"

"Ohh, yeah, right, the moon thing. I know what you're on about. I can't feel my legs right now, just letting you know in case I die."

James laughed. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good. Just... Can't really get up."

"Do you want to get up?"

"Well I could use some water, but... Nah. I live here now, this rug is soft." Sirius laughed, running his hands through the long, soft fibers of the rug beneath him. Lying on his back made him feel like he was floating, and the feeling was only amplified tenfold when he closed his eyes, forgetting for a minute that it was a rug he was touching and not some sort of soft, woolly animal underneath him. When he opened his eyes, James was lying on the floor next to him.

"I thought you'd be pissed at me," Sirius admitted. "Y'know, because he slept with me and stuff."

"Well that's not your fault, I mean _look_ at him," said James. "He's bloody gorgeous, why _wouldn't_ you fuck him?"

Sirius giggled. "God, right?" He said. "I don't really do one night stands, though. It was sort of new for me, you know? I don't just sleep with every hot guy I come across."

"Why not?" James flashed a grin, and Sirius couldn't help but laugh.

"Because that would be stupid!" He said.

"Why though?" Asked James. "It's never been a problem for me - if someone wants to sleep with me and they're hot, and I want to sleep with them, why not? You're literally a rockstar, I thought that'd be the best part of the job."

Sirius frowned, biting his lip. "It's... Different for me," he said. "I'm not... I mean, it's... It's just..." He sighed and shrugged. "There are a lot of scary people out there," he said, hoping that sounded less pathetic than he felt saying it.

"That's why you go for the not-scary people," said James, reaching over to poke Sirius's shoulder lightly. "There are plenty of nice ones."

Sirius thought about earlier in his transition, when he'd just started T and had tried online dating. So many people were perfectly nice, right up until they found out he was trans. "No, there aren't," he said, his voice distant. James frowned, looking at him for a moment.

"Well, in this house we're all good people," he said. "And lucky for you, we're the only people you get to be around for the foreseeable future."

Sirius snorted, giving a laugh. "Wow, I feel so lucky," he said sarcastically. James rolled onto his side, resting his cheek on his hand as his elbow braced against the carpet. He'd taken his glasses off, and he looked down at Sirius, gaze almost calculating. Sirius looked up and him and wondered how red his eyes were.

"Are you a verse or a bottom?" James asked. "I mean, you're obviously not a top or you wouldn't be here."

Sirius raised his eyebrows, swallowing hard. "O-oh, um... Wait, are you asking because..?" James was hot, sure, but Sirius was pretty sure he was too high to handle being fucked right now, not with the slightly sick feeling in his stomach from the weed.

"Just curious." James shrugged. "I'm verse, but mainly a bottom. Occasionally a power bottom, but it depends on how annoying I wanna be." He grinned. Sirius nodded slowly.

"Huh.. I-I guess I'm a bottom. I don't know, topping seems like... A lot of work..."

James pursed his lips, thinking. "I mean, it's more work to prep someone, but I don't think it's _that_ much more. Trust me, having to clean out is _way_ more work than Remus will ever have to do, the man's lucky."

Sirius laughed. "No, I mean because I-" he stopped, letting out a breath. He'd forgotten that the others didn't even know he was trans yet. James was looking at him, waiting. Sirius moved to sit up, and swayed as he almost fell sideways into the coffee table. James grabbed his shoulder.

"Woah there!" He laughed. "You said you couldn't feel your legs, I think maybe it's best you don't move for a bit, mate. Because you what, anyway?"

Sirius held onto the coffee table as he blinked slowly, trying to make his brain work. What was he doing again? They'd been talking about topping... Sirius wasn't a fan of anal so he never had to spend a lot of time prepping for bottoming, so that was way easier for him... Why had he been thinking about that? Oh right, coming out. "Um, because I'm trans," he said. "I'm gonna lie back down now, because I'm sort of lightheaded..." He did that, shutting his eyes, but he could _feel_ James looking at him. "Stop it," he muttered.

"Stop what?"

"I don't know, looking at me like however you're looking at me." Sirius frowned, opening his eyes a crack to squint up at the other, who was still in a sitting position. “People always look at me funny when they find out, so I don't tell people.” James's brow was furrowed slightly, but he didn't look judgmental or freaked out.

"Is that why you don't talk to your brother?" He asked.

"Sort of. It's complicated," Sirius said again.

"But that's why your parents are dicks," said James. Sirius nodded, but only a little because the movement felt as though his brain was rattling in his skull.

"For the most part." His voice was quiet, but he knew James could hear him. "Though I'm pretty sure if I was cis, they'd have been just as bad; trans or not, I'm still flaming." He snorted and groaned softly as he stretched his arms out in front of him. He heard James chuckle. "I haven't seen any of them in nearly ten years," he muttered. His eyes were slightly unfocused as he gazed at the ceiling, and James lay down beside him again.

"Yeah, I haven't seen my folks in almost six years, now," said James. "But I guess it's different if your parents are dicks. Do you miss them at all?"

"God, no. Why haven't you seen yours?" Sirius frowned, turning his head to look at James, who seemed to hesitate before talking.

"Laws." James shrugged. "Me 'n' Remus came over here after uni, 'cause he wanted things to take off with his company and shit over here, he thought if he could do well in America he'd be set. Then, you know, shit laws happened and we got stuck."

"Can you not call them, or anything? Your parents?"

James was quiet for a long moment. When he spoke, Sirius had almost forgotten what the question had been. "No," he said simply. Sirius had a feeling he wasn't going to say anything else about it.

"Sorry," he mumbled. James just shrugged.

"S'fine. What's complicated with your brother?" He asked. "Is he, uh, transphobic, or something?"

Sirius shrugged. "Not really," he said. "He just..." An image of Regulus curled up on the armchair in their living room, body stiff and staring pointedly at his blank phone screen while their father backhanded Sirius and made him taste blood, flashed behind Sirius's eyelids. _He just sat there._ "I don't know," he muttered, shaking his head.

"Maybe it'd be good for him to know you're okay," said James. "Good for you too, maybe. No pressure though."

Sirius snorted. "Thanks." He shuddered - he hated thinking about his family, and he hated it even more when his brain wouldn't listen to him and kept giving him flashbacks regardless. "I think... I need some water," he said finally, sitting up slower this time.

"Yeah, s'probably a good idea," James agreed, though he didn't move. "God, why is the kitchen so far awayyy?" He groaned. "I hate this house."

Sirius laughed. "That's what you get for living in a place like this. Get your daily exercise just going to a different room. That's probably a good thing for us considering we can't fucking leave."

James sat up, shoulders shaking with laughter. "Remus probably did it on purpose," he said, voice a little breathless from laughing.

"Did what on purpose?" 

Sirius looked over to the doorway to see Remus standing there, looking at the two of them with a raised eyebrow. "Why are you two on the floor?" He asked. James grinned over at him widely.

"I got Sirius high, Sir," he said. Sirius hunched over, suddenly overcome with giggles. He felt his face flush bright red in embarrassment, but he couldn't help it. He felt James clap him on the back, and heard Remus sigh - partially in amusement, partially in exasperation.

"You're high too, you idiot!" Sirius said, looking at James. "And don't hit me on the back or I'm gonna throw up."

"Yeah, but I steal Rem-" Remus gave James a sharp look "-um, Sir's weed on the regular, so I'm better at being high than you," he retorted. 

Remus watched them both with the most unimpressed expression Sirius had ever seen, and it only made him laugh more.

"You're both idiots," the older man said. The amusement in his eyes was unmistakable though, and James stood up with only a slight wobble, approaching Remus to ruffle the taller man's hair.

"But you love us~"

"Unfortunately for me." Remus leaned down to kiss James on the cheek. "Did you do your housework, Prongs?"

"Yep!"

"He forgot to do the laundry," said Sirius immediately, pointing an accusing finger at James and giggling. James whirled around to glare at Sirius, looking mockingly offended.

"Oi, shut up you!" He looked back at Remus. "I did everything else, c'mon!"

Remus was leaning against the door frame, arms folded over his chest as he looked at James - he was about a head taller than the other, and his eyebrows were raised slightly as he clearly tried not to laugh.

"I'm sorry Prongs, I'm afraid I can't tell who you're talking to." Remus's tone was patronising, and Sirius snickered behind his hand, still sat on the rug.

"Sorry Sir, I can't be blamed though! I'm high, I've been looking after this idiot-" he pointed at Sirius, who let out an indignant "hey!" "- _and_ I did everything else! It's been a hard day for me really, I think I should get a reward, Sir."

"Really?" To say Remus sounded unconvinced would be an understatement, but James persisted.

"Mhm! Honestly, you don't know how difficult he's been for me-"

"Oi, I can hear you!" Sirius spluttered. "I've been lying on the bloody floor for so long I've forgot when I actually lay down in the first place - I'm hardly a terror, am I?"

"I'm sure you've been very good, Sirius," said Remus, giving a small smile as he kept his eyes on James. "But you know what's an even bigger crime than nicking my weed and not doing the laundry, Prongs?"

"Er..."

"Kissing my arse." Remus patted James's cheek condescendingly, and Sirius pressed his lips together to keep from laughing. "Go and take my bags upstairs, Prongs, and I'll make you two idiots some food for the munchies. And _maybe_ I'll think about letting you off, just this once."

James laughed sheepishly. "Um, yeah, right Sir. Thank you, Sir." He gave a feeble salute and stumbled out to the hall, where Sirius assumed Remus had brought things back from whatever stores he'd been to. Remus turned his attention to Sirius.

"Are you okay down there?" He asked in amusement. He approached the other and held a hand out. Sirius took it, standing unsteadily and leaning into Remus.

"Um, I'm okay," he mumbled.

"Have you ever been high before?" Asked Remus, a concerned note in his voice.

"Yeah! Yeah." Sirius hoped he didn't sound too desperate to prove he knew what he was doing. "Yeah, no, I have. I usually feel sort of sick at first if it's a bit strong, it'll die down soon and I'll... I'll be good." He gave the other what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and Remus laughed softly.

"Let's get you down to the kitchen," he said. "I'll get you some water too, your eyes are totally red."

"Water sounds really fucking good right now."

"Language.”

"Sorry, Sir."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I have a clear plan for this fic? Nope. Do I have a load of plot points that I wanna explore and no idea how to explore them? Yes indeedy! Regulus, Remus's secret room, his ~unknown~ vial, his scars, why exactly he reached out to Sirius in the first place - I have some sort of idea of how it's gonna go, but I don't know what order things are going to happen yet and most of my ideas are pretty vague, so I'm just writing shit and hoping it's all good. 
> 
> I haven't started anything on the next chapter yet but as far as I'm aware, there will be smut and it'll be less, um, serious? So yeah!
> 
> I'm surprised people seem to like this when I was terrified everyone would hate it, but ;; nice comments give me life and my ego is extremely fragile so thank u aaaaa!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius and Remus try puppyplay, basically! Emotions run a little high at the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Despite petplay/puppyplay being like my favourite thing ever, this is my first ever time actually writing it for some reason, so I hope this is alright!!   
> God I loved writing this so much, holy crap.
> 
> I was going to have plot-related things at the end of the chapter, but since this ended up so long I figured I'd save that for the next chapter. Enjoy the smut! (and also the cuteness bc like,,, puppyplay. Come on.)

"Why can't I sleep in here?" Sirius complained. He was sat cross-legged in the middle of Remus's huge double bed, gazing around himself at the master bedroom. It was the following day, and Sirius had left his phone charging in his room (he'd finally asked for the WiFi password, and his phone had vibrated for ten minutes straight when it was connected. Sirius had just left it without looking, he didn't want to deal with that just yet) and eaten breakfast with the others. He was starting to feel something close to comfortable around them, now - it had only been a few days, and while there was still the anxiety that knotted in his stomach whenever he thought about, well, _anything_ regarding his current situation for more than a few seconds, he was just trying to take things as they came for now.

Remus opened the wardrobe and took out a couple of bags, setting them on the cream carpet - he hadn't told Sirius what he'd bought the previous day, despite the younger playfully begging to know over breakfast. Sirius craned his neck to try and glimpse the contents, but he couldn't see anything.

"You can sleep here, if you ask nicely and you're a good boy," Remus was saying, as he pushed up the sleeves of his shirt, making visible a few of the pale, raised scars that wrapped around his forearms. "But it's good to have your own space too, especially in this sort of living situation."

"I can be good," said Sirius, almost absent-mindedly. "I can be the best damn boy you've ever seen."

Remus laughed, shaking his head. "You're adorable, stop it." He said it like it was a complaint, and Sirius grinned cheekily. He was surprised at how at-ease he felt around Remus - of course, they _had_ been talking for years online, and occasionally on the phone or through video calls (though the latter was rare, what with Sirius's general unstable internet connection back home, and Remus's weird work schedule), but it was different to actually be with Remus in person. Sirius was just glad that Remus seemed to be one of those people who seemed, inexplicably, to calm everyone around them.

"Do I get to see what's in the bags now?" He asked.

"Soon." Remus chuckled. "Now, stand up for me."

Sirius did.

"Get undressed."

Remus watched as Sirius pulled his T-shirt over his head, and slid his jeans and boxers down without hesitation, stepping out of them and moving them aside.

"Now, kneel on the floor." Sirius felt like Remus was enjoying just telling him what to do for a moment, but he didn't complain as he did as he was told, kneeling on the floor before Remus.

"Good boy."

Sirius held back a smile as Remus moved to sit behind him on the bed. Sirius made a move to turn around, but Remus held a hand up.

"No no, keep facing that way, I didn't say you could turn."

"But I can't see you," Sirius protested.

"Good, that's the point."

Sirius pouted, frowning. "That's not fair," he complained. He heard Remus chuckle.

"Shush, boy."

Sirius heard shuffling around behind him, heard the opening and closing of a drawer, before Remus spoke again. "Shuffle back a little bit for me, so you're closer to the bed."

Sirius did so, earning himself a muttered "good boy" and feeling a soft blush warm his cheeks. He felt Remus's hand on his hair then, fingers running gently across his scalp and pulling the hair tie out of his hastily tied ponytail. Sirius froze when he felt what was unmistakably a brush being pulled through his hair - he couldn't even remember the last time someone else had brushed his hair. Hell, he couldn't remember the last time someone had been gentle with him at all like this - strangely intimate, but... caring. He felt almost _loved_ , and he wasn't sure what to do with that, if he was being honest with himself. It was the kind of thing he'd usually push to the back of his mind so he didn't have to deal with it.

"If you're going to be my dog," Remus was saying - Sirius could hear the smile in his voice, "I won't have you being scruffy, or unkempt."

Sirius grinned. "I'm not _scruffy_ , I'm ruggedly handsome," he said. "And when you pair that with being adorable, I'm really the perfect dog, Sir."

Sirius didn't have to see Remus to know that the other was narrowing his eyes. "Oh, there's _much_ more to being a perfect dog than just being cute, Sirius. You'll need training, too - after all, a misbehaving dog is the mark of a bad owner."

"Well, I wouldn't want to _misbehave_ , would I~?" Sirius's tone was singsongy, and he wiggled his hips, swaying a little. He couldn't help it; he was giddy, dammit.

Remus tugged on his hair just once, sharply. "Sit still," he scolded, though there was amusement in his voice and Sirius knew he was laughing too, albeit silently. Sirius sat still, though he couldn't wipe the smile off of his face. He found himself leaning into the hair brushing without thinking; it was relaxing, what could he say? It felt... _Right_ , if anything, to be sat at Remus's feet. He wished he could see the other, though. Wished he could lean his head against Remus's knee, nuzzle at his thigh, have his hair ruffled.

Well, all in good time, he thought to himself.

"Sirius," said Remus after a moment. Sirius had let his eyes fall closed as he relaxed into the steady, rhythmic feeling of the soft bristles in his hair.

"Hm?"

"I wanted to ask you, before we did anything else sexual..."

Sirius kept his eyes closed, but his brow furrowed slightly. "What is it?"

"Well, um, what terms do you prefer for your... Um, genitals?" Asked Remus. For once, he sounded almost awkward, unsure. It was sort of cute, thought Sirius absently. "I've sort of been playing it safe so far," Remus continued, "but I thought I should ask you to be sure. Last thing I want is to cross a line."

Sirius thought for a moment, opening his eyes as he pursed his lips to think. "Oh, well, you've been doing fine so far, really. Just.... don't call it a pussy and we're good i think." He laughed. Remus snorted, and Sirius imagined the other man was shaking his head.

"Oh god, yeah, no, of course. You don't mind more crude words then? Like hole, or cunt? Though, obviously I'm not doing to refer to your dick like that, just the other part."

Sirius bit his lip - Remus spoke so casually, so easily, about it. Usually when he heard someone say those words, they were cruel, sharp. And they only turned Sirius on when he was in the mood to be cut down like that; otherwise they usually just served to make him sort of uncomfortable. When Remus said them, they sounded... Still sharp, but it was different... It sent a shiver down the younger man's spine.

"I think, um, only call it a cunt if you're being generally degrading. Like... don't call me a cute puppy then call it a cunt in the same sentence, you know? That feels weird.” He paused a second. “But if you're calling me a stupid whore, then I mean...."

Sirius just _knew_ that Remus was smirking at him. Smug bastard. "You'd like me to call you a stupid whore, Sirius?"

"Um..." Sirius swallowed hard. "I-I mean, I _did_ put that I liked degradation on that, um, the little checklist thing," he pointed out, voice quiet. "Maybe don't call me that if I'm being a dog, though." He laughed weakly.

"No, of course not." Remus ran a hand through Sirius's hair along with the brush, nails scratching his scalp satisfyingly. Sirius let his eyes fall closed again, a sigh slipping from his lips. "Would you like there to be an element of that, though?" Remus asked. "I mean, for some people petplay is used to be degrading, or humiliating. Or would you only want to be a pampered pet?"

Sirius paused. He almost felt embarrassed over how long he'd spent thinking about this sort of thing - he'd been a stray pining for an owner for the last, what? Five or so years? So he felt like he'd done a fair amount of soul-searching when it came to what sort of submissive he was.

"A... bit of both," he started slowly. "I mean, well, people love their dogs, right? But they'll joke about how dumb their dog is, or they'll be harsh when they're exasperated or whatever and call their dog an idiot because the dog won't do as it's told, but the dog doesn't give a shit because, you know, it's a dog. And it'll love its human anyway, even if it annoys the fuck out of the human sometimes because it doesn't understand rules or whatever. And the human still loves the dog because even if it's a little shit most of the time, it's still cute."

There was quiet for a moment, and the brushing stopped. A flare of worry in the pit of his stomach, Sirius looked over his shoulder at the other to see Remus laughing silently, shoulders shaking.

"What?"

"I just... Wasn't expecting that detailed an answer," said Remus once he regained control of himself. "You seem to have thought this through, though. So you want... Loving condescension, essentially?"

"I mean, I'm happy being degraded a bit, and I don't want you to, you know, do that baby-talk thing that people do with animals. I'd feel weird."

Remus nodded seriously. The worry in Sirius's stomach dissipated, and Remus gestured for him to turn back around with a smile. He did.

"But," Sirius continued, "I also, um, I like being a shit." He couldn't help but grin. "So I mean, you can _try_ to train me, but..."

"You're going to make it difficult for me," finished Remus with an amused smirk. He gathered Sirius's hair at the nape of his neck, tying it into a loose bun that was still considerably neater than anything Sirius usually did with his hair.

"Not on purpose! But, well, yeah, probably."

Sirius heard the bed creak softly, and looked back over his shoulder. Remus was sat back on the sheets, bracing himself with one hand and looking down at Sirius with a thoughtful expression. "You've never had a proper master before, right?" He asked.

"Um, not really. Unless you count online relationships that barely lasted a few months."

Remus snorted. "Not really."

"Then no."

Remus nodded, thinking. "Have you been able to explore your animal side at all, then?" He asked.

"Kind of? Not really. I mean, not with anyone, no. Not in person." Sirius chewed the inside of his cheek nervously, frowning. "Is... that okay?" He asked. "I mean, have you... Have you er, done petplay before?"

Remus smiled reassuringly. "I have," he said. "James is occasionally a pup for me, Lily's been a kitten a couple of times, and I've... Sort of tried it myself, a while ago now. So I know what I'm doing generally, but obviously every pet is different. It can be difficult to let go and sink into that sort of mindset, when you haven't done it before. It can take a couple of times - that's perfectly fine, though. I'm not going to be judging you, you know that."

Sirius nodded - he _did_ know that, despite it sometimes being difficult for him to believe. He was so used to being _watched_ , to always having to be _presentable_ and _digestible_ to everyone around him. He had never really 'let go' before, as Remus had put it. Well, he had, sort of - even when he was drunk though, even when he was at parties, or at shows, or even friends' houses, he always had to be careful to cordon off certain parts of his personality, to avoid certain conversation topics and to be the person he knew they expected him to be - and it wasn't that he _wasn't_ that person: dramatic, impulsive, flirty, maybe a little arrogant. But... Sometimes he just didn't want to be a person at all.

"Would you prefer nonsexual petplay?" Asked Remus. He smirked. "Because, well, I saw how much you enjoyed humping my leg the other day, but this time we have actual gear to play with so I don't know if that makes it any different for you."

Sirius felt his face heat up. "O-oh, um, yeah, uh..." He bit his lip - thinking about that made him immediately hard, but he was sort of grateful that Remus couldn't see. "I... I'm not _opposed_ to um, it being sexual," he said slowly. "Maybe not completely, maybe, er, like a bit of both?"

Remus nodded. "Alright, good."

"Do I get to see what you bought, now?"

The older man chuckled. "Hang on, I want to make sure we're both on the same page with everything, first," he said. "There's no rush, we literally have all the time in the world."

"You don't have any mysterious work to do in your office?" Sirius teased. Remus rolled his eyes with a soft laugh.

"No, no mysterious work," he said. "I'm all yours."

Sirius tried and failed to hold back a smile, that he was sure made him look like a blushing schoolboy. "Well, good."

Remus leaned forward where he sat on the bed. "How about you turn around fully, so I can see you?"

Sirius swiveled himself around on his knees - he was glad for the soft carpet of the bedroom - and looked at Remus expectantly. Their faces were closer, now - Remus's eyes were soft, like sunlight through honey. Sirius could see a very, very faint scar striped over his nose - it must have been old, because he hadn't even noticed it before now. Sirius wanted to ask about it, but he felt like now wasn't the time.

"Now, do you have a safeword, Sirius?" Remus asked. Sirius blinked up at him, before shaking his head.

"Uh, no..." He knew safewords were important, but since he'd never really been with anyone who knew what they were doing before, it wasn't something he'd ever actually had or discussed with anyone. Remus gave a nod.

"Alright, do you know what the traffic light system is? Where I ask your colour - green is good, yellow is to slow down, and red is-"

"Stop? Yeah, I've heard of that."

"Good. That's what we're going to do - I'll occasionally check in with you and you'll give me your colour, alright?"

Sirius nodded. "Cool."

Remus raised his eyebrows, a soft smirk playing around the corners of his mouth. "I think the words you're looking for there are 'yes, Sir'," he said, tone teasing. Sirius pressed his lips together as his cheeks flushed pink.

"Yes, Sir," he said quietly. Remus reached out to tuck a loose strand of hair behind Sirius's ear. 

"Good boy."

Silence for a couple of seconds. "So, do I get to see what's in the bags, now?" Asked Sirius hopefully. Remus huffed out a laugh, standing with a nod.

"You do," he said, stepping around Sirius to grab the bags, and bringing them over to the bed, setting them on the duvet and sitting back down. He rummaged through one of them, pulling out a mass of straps and buckles. Sirius tilted his head to the side, before realising it was a harness, thick black leather and silver metal embellishments. Remus unbuckled it, and looked at Sirius.

"Worn a harness before?" He asked. Sirius nodded.

"Um, sort of," he said. "I used to have a cheap one, but that one... Definitely looks a lot nicer than the one I had."

Remus smiled. "Good. And you'll address me properly, don't forget now."

"O-oh, yeah, sorry Sir."

"Lift your arms up a little bit while I fasten it on."

Remus moved to crouch on the floor before Sirius, bringing the harness up over his head and buckling it four times, twice over the arms and twice under.

"That too tight?" Remus asked, eyes searching Sirius's face for his reaction. Sirius shook his head.

"No, um, can you do it a bit tighter, Sir?" He asked. A smirk ghosted over Remus's face, and he nodded, obliging.

Looking down at himself, Sirius could see the D ring sitting between his pectoral muscles, cool against his skin and sitting just above his top surgery scars. The leather was soft, comfortable, but tight enough that the plate pushing against his back felt as though it was holding him together, in a way.

Remus sat back on the bed, looking him up and down for a second with a pleased look in his eyes, before rummaging in the same bag again.

"Sit back," he ordered, pulling out a pair of knee pads. "I know the floor in here is soft, but when you're going to be spending a significant amount of time on your knees for me, it's best to be safe." He chuckled, and Sirius bit back a small laugh as he moved to sit on the carpet properly, letting Remus wrap the pads around his knees and ask if they felt tight enough. Sirius nodded, moving back to sit on his knees once they were both securely in place - he could feel the difference, that was for sure.

Next were the paws. Sirius hadn't really known what to expect, if he was honest - he'd seen leather ones before, and rubber ones - he wasn't really attracted to rubber or latex, and he didn't like how inflexible those tended to look, if he was honest. But these were... Different. They reached halfway to his elbow, tight enough to stay in place but not too tight that they cut off his circulation, black like the harness, but softer and springier than leather. The paw looked like more of a realistic shape, than a featureless oval like most mitts Sirius had seen online, and the pawprint-shaped pad on his palm was rubbery and bouncy, so it would grip on smooth floors. Remus slipped one of them over Sirius's right hand, and waited to see Sirius's reaction.

"That feel okay?" He asked. Sirius nodded slowly, turning his hand over to inspect the new gear. It didn't force his hand all the way into a fist, but he couldn't spread his fingers out completely, either, having to bend them at the middle joints. Still though, it wasn't uncomfortable. And they were _very_ cushioned inside. He wiggled his fingers, and the 'fingers' of the paw wiggled a little, albeit not perfectly separately.

"I like it," said Sirius. "It's... Weird."

Remus laughed softly. "I didn't want to get you something _too_ simple," he said. "I like my pets a little bit unique. But I didn't want to go all out, just in case you decided this wasn't for you. If you're a good dog, and you respond to training well, then maybe in the future I'll get you some claws, too."

Sirius's eyes widened minutely. "Really?" He had to admit, the idea of being able to actually do some damage sounded... Far, far too fun.

Remus smirked. "Mhm, really. Perhaps some teeth, too. Pup hoods can be difficult to bite in, after all."

"You can do that?"

Remus nodded, slipping the second paw over Sirius's left hand. "You'd be surprised what you can do when it comes to custom gear," he said. "Though of course, what you have gear-wise is completely up to you. If you decide you don't like something or you don't want to use something, you must tell me, okay?"

Sirius was still looking down at his paws, flexing the toes and bouncing the soles on the carpet experimentally. Remus took his chin, making their eyes meet.

"Okay?" He repeated. Sirius nodded.

"Yes, Sir."

"You heard what I said?"

"Mhm, if I don't like something I should let you know."

"Alright, good boy." Remus moved to sit on the bed again, and Sirius's eyes were drawn back to the bags.

"What next?" He asked - he lifted a hand to gesture at the bag, before remembering that oh, right, he couldn't actually gesture or point anymore. It was only a small thing, but Sirius talked with his hands a lot, and it was definitely a strange feeling to have them restrained. Made him feel... Less human, but in a good way, somehow. It felt better to put them down, on the floor between his thighs as he knelt on the carpet.

"Next is your hood," said Remus. "I have a tail for you, too, but are you alright with having a plug? I know having things in your ass isn't exactly your go-to."

"Oh, um.." Sirius chewed his lower lip, thinking. "How big is it?" He asked.

"It's not too big, I got a smaller one." Remus reached in the bag and pulled out a box, pulling out the tail. It was black, one of the rubber ones that bounced when you moved, and the plug on the end looked... Pretty intimidating to say the least, but Sirius gave a slow nod. He trusted Remus - and anyway, if he changed his mind, he'd just say. It wasn't as though he'd never had anything in his ass before, it just... Wasn't his favourite thing. And he didn't like having to prep, if he was honest.

"I'll... I'll try it, Sir," he said, determined.

"Alright, great." Remus smiled. "First, though..." He reached over into the second bag, to pull out a large white dust bag. He stretched it open, pulling out a sleek black hood - it looked like leather, with black rivets and a shiny nose, a sturdy looking muzzle with neat black double stitching up the length and large triangular ears attached to the straps at the back. The cut of the material along the cheeks and between the ears was jagged, to give the effect of fur, and the buckles at the back were black too - it would easily cover more than half of Sirius's head. "What do you think?" Asked Remus.

Sirius stared at the hood, opening his mouth to comment but not knowing what to say. It felt sort of weird to think that, holy shit, it was kind of perfect?

"That's mine?" He asked instead. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." Remus grinned. "You like it?"

"I... Shit, yeah."

"Language."

"Sorry Sir. It's just... better than I expected."

"Good." Remus shuffled forward a little on the bed. "Now, bow your head for me so I can put it on for you, then."

Sirius felt almost nervous as he did so, and Remus slipped the hood over his head, adjusting the straps.

"That okay?"

"Yes, Sir."

Remus pushed Sirius's hair back gently, so it wasn't stuck under the hood, and made sure it was secure and not fastened awkwardly, before leaning back to look at Sirius, the affection in his expression unmistakable. "How's that feel?" He asked.

Sirius had never actually worn a hood like this before - he'd never owned one, since he hadn't wanted the risk of someone finding it accidentally, but he'd always kind of thought they looked cool. When he looked down he could see inside the muzzle, the small holes of the 'nostrils' and he could see that while it covered his mouth, it didn't make it inaccessible - he probably wouldn't be able to eat from a bowl or anything without smushing the muzzle backward, but Remus could probably feed him tidbits if he wanted. It restricted his field of view in that he couldn't see much when he looked down without having to move his whole head, but it definitely wasn't enough to be annoying or uncomfortable. He tilted his head to the side, feeling the weight of the ears bouncing to the side. That was satisfying... He tilted his head again, to the other side, feeling them bounce the other way. A grin wormed its way onto his face, hidden by the muzzle, as he shook his head like, well, like a dog, large black ears bouncing haphazardly.

He looked up at the sound of Remus laughing. It sounded different than usual - there was a lightness to it, instead of the usual sense that he was holding back. It was nice. Remus reached out to pet the top of Sirius's head - it didn't feel quite as smooth a motion as if Remus had run his fingers through the other's hair, but Sirius found himself leaning into the gesture regardless.

"I'll take that as you saying you like it," laughed Remus. "I almost don't want to put your tail in, you're just... Adorable like this." He scratched under Sirius's chin, and Sirius found himself wiggling his hips where he knelt, wagging a tail that wasn't there. It was almost instinctive, like he didn't need to think about how to react before he did. Whatever it was, if it kept Remus smiling like _that_ , Sirius knew he was doing something right.

"I think we should try and get that tail on though, hm?" Said Remus, kissing the tip of Sirius's muzzle and standing up. "We'll go to the bathroom, I made sure all the gear was fine for water anyway. You're okay with me cleaning you out? I won't be too invasive, we'll make it quick."

Sirius paused for a second, before nodding slowly. He'd showered that morning, so he knew he wasn't _that_ bad anyway. He felt like maybe he should be more... Unsure about this, or nervous. But he wasn't.

"Come on then," Remus picked up the tail and moved to open the door to the connected bathroom. Sirius followed on all fours, hesitant as he got used to actually walking on the paws. They were definitely comfortable, and the bottoms of them were satisfyingly springy against the carpet.

"I have to admit," said Remus, "I was expecting to have to remind you to stay on all fours."

Sirius looked over his shoulder at the other, sticking his tongue out before remembering that his mouth wasn't visible and letting out an indignant whine. Remus chuckled.

"You're such a _dog_ , Sirius."

Being cleaned out was... Not the most fun experience ever. But Remus made it comfortable enough, and at least he knew what the hell he was doing.

The tail, on the other hand - Sirius was convinced that it wasn't going to fit, but he also didn't really have much capacity to worry about it when he had his cheek pressed against the cool tile of the bathroom floor, ass in the air as Remus stretched him bit by bit, drops of lube running down his thighs. He could feel himself trembling, feel how hard he was, how wet he was, and he wasn't sure if it was Remus's fingers inside him or some toy, but it didn't really make a difference as he panted heavily, the odd whimper escaping him. He could hear Remus talking to him, reassuring him, telling him he was doing so well. He wasn't even sure if he could come from this, but the mix of painful aching and pleasure was... Certainly something.

Sirius didn't even really register when the tail was in all the way - it took a moment of Remus rubbing gentle circles against his ass, before he realised that the feeling of being stretched and full wasn't going anywhere anymore. He took a shaky breath, getting back up on all fours again and looking back over his shoulder at his tail.

"There you go, that wasn't so hard now, was it?" Asked Remus. Sirius swayed his hips slowly, watching the curved black tail wobble from side to side. It hadn't looked that big, but it _felt_ huge inside him. "How do you feel?" Remus inquired. "What's your colour, Sirius?"

"Um, green, Sir."

"You're sure?"

Sirius nodded. "Yes, Sir."

Remus stood from where he'd been sat on the edge of the bathtub. "Good boy. Now, dogs don't talk - you're only to use human words when I ask your colour, or if you want to safeword out, okay?"

Sirius lifted his head to look up at Remus - the man was already tall, but from the floor he was like a bloody skyscraper - and nodded, ears on the hood bouncing again.

"Good boy." Remus smiled, heading back to the bedroom. Sirius followed - he could feel the tail bouncing as he moved, and honestly it wasn't unpleasant. Though the process of getting the tail in had left him, well, _aroused_ was a bit of an understatement.

"I actually have one more thing for you," said Remus, as he sat on the bed. "Well, one more thing for _today_ , anyway."

Sirius tilted his head curiously. For today? So there _were_ more things? He eyed the bags on the bed beside Remus, decided he wanted to see, and made to jump up onto the bed in the space of barely a second, only for Remus to snatch the bags away and push them to the other side of the bed, gripping Sirius by the harness and pushing him back to the floor. It wasn't rough, but it was hard enough that Sirius had no choice but to slip back down to the carpet.

"Hey." Remus's voice was suddenly a low, stern growl, and Sirius shrank back with a whine. "Bad dogs don't get anything. Am I gonna have to keep this stuff for myself instead, hm?"

Sirius's whine sounded... Pathetically desperate. He just wanted to see what else Remus had! Especially if it was all _technically_ for him anyway, surely it wasn't fair to keep them from him?

Remus didn't take his eyes off of Sirius, gaze daring him to try jumping up again as he reached back into one of the bags and took out what was unmistakably a collar, thick and black with an O ring at the front, silver rivets and a gleaming silver buckle. Sirius perked up immediately, tail already wagging. Remus smirked.

"Well, I _was_ going to put this on you now," he said, holding the collar teasingly in front of Sirius's face. "But I'm afraid only well-behaved dogs can earn their collar, and so far you're not doing a very good job of convincing me."

Sirius whined again, lifting a paw to bat at the collar in frustration. Technically he hadn't been _told_ not to go on the bed, so really he hadn't done anything wrong, right?

Remus chuckled, and reached over to place the collar on the bedside table. "When you convince me you can be good," he said, " _then_ you'll get the collar." He poked Sirius on the nose - well, the tip of the hood's muzzle - with one finger. Sirius playfully snapped at the finger, catching it between his teeth before remembering, oh, right, yeah. Being good. That was what he was meant to be doing. Remus quirked an eyebrow at him, and Sirius released his finger sheepishly.

"I think I'm starting to see what you mean when you said you enjoyed being a little shit," said Remus in amusement. He stood, and Sirius shuffled back on all fours to give him space as he moved around the bed, rummaging briefly in the drawers of the second nightstand. Naturally, Sirius followed him curiously, and Remus almost fell over him when he turned back around.

"Hey! Bloody hell, Sirius." He laughed, and Sirius let out an indignant yelp, turning to jump on the bed to get out of Remus's way. Remus made his way back around the bed, holding what looked like a bottle of lube and a smallish toy, and shook his head. "Thought I said the bed was off limits?" He said. "C'mere." He beckoned the younger man, who had apparently decided that nope, it was more fun to be a little shit, so he plonked himself down on his stomach and glared at Remus in a way that said 'make me'.

Honestly, Sirius wasn't sure what exactly he was doing. He _wanted_ the collar, and he _wanted_ to be good for Remus. But he also wasn't thinking before he was acting, like _at all_ , like somehow the part of him that was a rational human being had taken a backseat in his brain at some point, and he was making no conscious effort to correct that.

He fucking loved it.

Remus narrowed his eyes, folding his arms over his chest with a smirk. "Oh, so that's how it's gonna be, huh?" He asked.

Sirius huffed affirmatively through his nose, wagging his tail again. Remus sighed, but it sounded more gently exasperated than genuinely irritated.

"Right, fine, come on then." He set down what he was holding on the side table beside the collar, and rested a knee on the bed, making the mattress dip slightly as he reached for Sirius, grabbing the back of his harness. Sirius twisted around in an attempt to avoid him, a growl ripping from his throat, and he found himself suddenly pushed backward against the duvet roughly, Remus's hand on his throat and the other holding his head down. "Oi!" Remus snapped. "Do _not_ growl at me!" His voice had the same biting authority as before, and Sirius struggled automatically, wriggling as he tried to find some purchase on Remus's thighs with his feet, but that only ended with the older man practically sitting on top of him, and the paws made it impossible to grip anything as he pushed against the bigger man. He let out a long whine, falling still under Remus's weight, and panted softly as he looked up at the other, cheek pressing against the bedsheets and eyes straining sideways to keep Remus in his line of sight, pupils blown wide.

There was silence for a couple of seconds.

"Colour?" Asked Remus, clearly concerned about being too rough. Sirius swallowed hard, feeling the pressure of the other man's hand against his Adam's apple.

"Green, Sir.” Sirius's voice was barely a whisper.

"Good. Now," he took Sirius's muzzle and forced his head around so they were practically nose to nose. Sirius's eyes flickered between Remus's, and he had a feeling the other wasn't going to be patient with him. "If you growl at me one more _fucking_ time, mutt," he said, his voice low and dangerous, "I will make you regret it. Do you hear? You won't be getting something as kind as a spanking or chastity as punishment - I won't be disrespected by a _dog_."

A shiver ran through Sirius's body. He whimpered softly, and nodded. Remus regarded him for another few seconds, before lifting his weight from Sirius's body and standing up again.

"Off the bed." It was an order, and Sirius wasn't about to disobey. His heart was pounding and it was like electricity thrumming in his chest. He felt _alive._ He slunk off the bed, back to the carpet, and immediately turned his attention to whatever Remus had been holding before, sniffing at the bedside table and pawing at the objects. He couldn't _actually_ smell anything, obviously, but it just sort of felt natural to sniff at them.

"Oh, you want to know what they are, now, do you?" Asked Remus. Sirius looked up at him and gave a faint "wuff", and Remus snorted. "Well see, initially I was going to fuck you," he said, "but only _good_ dogs get Master's cock, and so far you've been a little shit."

Sirius whimpered, looking up at Remus with the biggest puppydog eyes he could muster. _If I'm cute enough, he'll forget I was ever naughty._ The older man chuckled, shaking his head as he sat on the bed.

"Oh no, that won't work on me." He picked up the toy from the table - it looked like a smallish purple dildo, but with a weird-looking base that was sort of over-sized, flat and curved. "This, this is what you'll be getting."

Sirius let his head fall back with a melodramatic yowl of disappointment, and Remus laughed.

"Oh shut up and put your head down, tail up for me."

Sirius knew he was stalling, as he moved to rest his head on Remus's knee and whimpered pleadingly. Remus sighed, setting the toy on the bed and petting Sirius, stroking along his cheeks - or well, the cheeks of the hood, but Sirius could still feel it. He wagged his tail, closing his eyes as he leaned into the affection.

"Are you going to be a good boy for me, now then?" Asked Remus softly. Sirius huffed, nodding. "Yeah?" Asked Remus. "You're gonna be a good boy?" His voice was playful, light - not exactly baby-talk, but it made Sirius bark properly, whole body shaking from his tail wagging. Remus chuckled, sitting back up. "Tail in the air, then," he said. Clearly there was no persuading him, and Sirius whined begrudgingly as he turned around to present himself for his owner, pressing his cheek against the carpet and spreading his legs, arching his back. He couldn't see Remus properly, what with the hood obscuring his vision in that direction, but since Remus didn't touch him or move right away, Sirius assumed he was just... Looking. Sirius bit his lip, feeling the blush creep across his cheeks, and he wondered if Remus could see how hard he was getting again.

Remus's fingers on his arousal made him start, and he heard the other man chuckle softly. "Relax, pup. You're alright." Remus's other hand rubbed circles on his ass, as he dragged his fingers up Sirius's waiting entrance, up to his twitching cock. "I think you're going to need some lube," Remus muttered, almost to himself, and Sirius felt his hands disappear for a brief moment, before the coolness of the lube at his entrance made him whine. "Oh, shush," Remus scolded lightly.

Sirius guessed that Remus used his fingers to lube him, and to give his cock a couple of strokes, teasing him, before he pushed the toy all the way into him, bit by bit. Sirius guessed, but he couldn't be entirely sure considering his brain felt rather like mush, and by the time Remus was actually filling him with the toy, he was panting hard, tongue lolling out of his mouth and eyes unfocused.

"Alright, up." Sirius yelped as he was pulled back up onto all fours, mind wrenched back into focus suddenly, but he hadn't felt Remus's fingers slip under the harness or actually touch him at all. He looked over his shoulder, then the other, but he couldn't see properly.

"Did you not see the handle on the back of the harness when I put it on you?" Asked Remus, an amused smirk playing around his lips. "I had a feeling it'd come in handy for pulling you around."

Sirius turned around, hips jerking forward automatically as he did, wanting more friction with the toy. He panted softly, wiggling his hips and instinctively humping the air - the joint feeling of the tail plug and the toy inside him was... _definitely_ something, that was for sure. The weirdly-shaped base of the toy made sense now, as it curved upward, pointing toward his stomach and pressing against his sensitive, swollen cock.

"That feel good, pup?" Asked Remus. Sirius looked up at him, eyes half-lidded, and all he could do was pant. "I can make it feel better, if you want. But only if you're going to be a good dog." Sirius watched him reach back to the bedside table, picking up... Was that a remote? Sirius's eyes widened.

 _Oh._ It was one of _those_ toys.

"You gonna be good, then?" Sirius was nodding before Remus even finished talking, movement jerky and desperate as his hips moved on their own. He wanted _more_. Remus laughed softly, and the sound only went straight to Sirius's cock.

"Alright," said Remus, "well, let's see how you do with some simple tricks then, hm? Any dog should be able to do tricks, and it'll at least be a start to teach you to do as you're told." There was a sharpness to his tone toward the end, a sternness in his gaze, and Sirius barked - he wasn't _that_ dumb, tricks would be easy!

Remus clicked the remote control, twice, and Sirius almost fell over.

Okay, maybe tricks would _not_ be so easy.

The vibrator was stronger than Sirius had been expecting, not to mention he hadn't used to a vibrator in a _very_ long time, so he wasn't used to the intensity. _Not to mention_ it wasn't just inside him, but also that the base was forcing his cock flush against him, no room to move away from the overwhelming intensity. He let out a moan that sounded like a snarl, hunched over on his knees, arms and thighs trembling. To say his arousal was sensitive was an understatement, and the fact that it _hurt_ as well as filled his brain with the hazy static of ecstasy kept him from coming right there and then.

"Well, you're already technically sitting, so I suppose we'll save that one," he heard Remus's voice over the sounds of his whimpering and panting. "Lie down, boy."

Sirius felt like he was on the verge of coming when he tried to shift his movement, and he tensed, eyes rolling back a little as he scrambled to fucking _control_ himself. When he managed some semblance of coherent thought, desperately fighting back his orgasm, he clumsily lay down on the carpet on his stomach, resting himself on his forearms and looking up at Remus with a whine. His hips were still moving against his will, and he rubbed himself on the carpet, panting with his tongue out. Remus smirked.

"Pathetic," he said. "But, good boy." He reached down to pet Sirius, scratching his head gently. It felt so nice... "Now roll over."

Sirius tried not to hesitate, rolling onto his side and onto his back, legs in the air. This angle made the toy inside him feel even _better_ , but he brought his paws up to hide his face, feeling himself flush deeply with embarrassment and incapable of controlling his body as he rutted into the air, the muscles in his stomach rock hard with tension. Fuck, he could _feel_ himself practically dripping with arousal, his whole body was twitching...

"That's only halfway, Sirius," came Remus's voice, strict and laced with mirth. Sirius knew he looked pathetic, it was probably funny, how desperate he was, how _easy_ it was for Remus to make him overcome with lust and unable to physically reign himself in. "Come on, even _puppies_ can roll over," he heard Remus saying. "You've had that thing inside you for, what, a minute? And you look like you've gone into _heat_."

Part of Sirius wanted to say, _fuck, shut up, if you keep talking like that I'm going to come so hard I think I might black out or something._ But the part of him at the forefront of his mind wasn't exactly capable of talking, so he just whimpered loudly and forced his body to roll back over, movements twitchy and uneven as he sat back up on his knees, gazing at Remus pleadingly. He wasn't sure exactly _what_ he was pleading for - to come? For Remus to take the toy out and save him from this weird mix of sharp, shooting pain and mind-numbing pleasure? Whichever it was, it never even occurred to Sirius to _talk;_ he barely remembered how at this point, anyway.

"See, you could do it, there's a good boy!" Remus smiled, and it was obvious how much he was enjoying this. "Can you sit pretty for me now, hm?"

Sirius tilted his head to the side, unsure what that meant.

"Sit up straight for me, paws up level with your shoulders," Remus clarified. "And knees apart."

The position itself wasn't difficult enough - Sirius could feel his thighs trembling, and his toes were curled hard enough that it was almost uncomfortable. He bowed his head, paws on either side of his muzzle, and squeezed his eyes closed, face twisting with the effort of staving off his orgasm.

"Speak."

Sirius inhaled shakily and parted his lips, a pitiful whimper - almost a moan, but certainly not human-sounding - spilling out before he could stop it. He didn't have to look to know that Remus was smirking.

"That didn't sound like a bark, Sirius. Come on now." Remus leaned forward to bring Sirius's muzzle up, making the younger look at him. Sirius wondered vaguely how desperate he looked, dark eyes wide and frenzied as they flickered between Remus's contrasting pools of calm, sunlit bronze. "If you can bark for me, then maybe I'll think about giving you a treat."

Sirius kept his paws up, shoulders heaving with his panting, and he could feel his hair sticking to the back of his neck with sweat. He was so wrapped up in his own pleasure, heart pounding and body quivering, that he barely registered the growing bulge in Remus's trousers.

Sirius barked, but it was shaky and embarrassingly high-pitched. Luckily, it was good enough for Remus.

The taller man released his grip on Sirius's muzzle, standing and moving behind him. His hands were firm and sure, and Sirius found himself bent over the bed, legs splayed and Remus's hand arching his back and tugging gently at his tail - not pulling it out, but just enough to draw a keening moan from him.

"There's a good boy," Remus murmured, hand moving to pull the vibrator. "Why don't we give you something bigger than that, yeah? Do you want that, boy?"

Sirius nodded frantically, cheek rubbing against the duvet as he tried to press back against Remus. He could hear the other man's harsh breathing, and he wondered just how much Remus was holding back.

"Fuck, Sirius..." Sirius felt hot breath on his back, and Remus pressed a kiss to his back, just above the strap of his harness, and tucked a few loose strands of the younger's hair away before sinking his teeth into Sirius's shoulder. Sirius could feel Remus _everywhere_ , against his back, pressing against his quivering, achingly empty arousal. Fuck, he wanted him inside, too... He moved instinctively to grip the bedsheets, before realizing his hands were still useless with the paws, and he whimpered again.

"Shh, I know," Remus muttered, grinding against Sirius heavily. God, he felt so _hard_ even under his clothes. Sirius felt deft fingers on his ass, massaging roughly and spreading his cheeks, before the weight atop him changed, and Sirius cried out brokenly - he had a feeling he would never get used to just how wide Remus's cock spread him open, how full he felt with the other inside him.

Remus fucked him hard and deep, long strokes that had Sirius's eyes rolling back and moans and grunts exploding out of him as he scrabbled at the duvet, unable to find purchase with the paws. Remus held him in place firmly, one hand on his hip and the other on his back, and hearing Remus moaning and sighing softly above him only made the pleasure ripping through Sirius's body even more intense.

It didn't take long for Sirius to come with a noise that was somewhere between a scream and a snarl - his nerves were shot, skin covered in a thin layer of sweat, and muscles twitching and trembling when he felt himself inadvertently clamp down on Remus's length, _hard_. He heard the other man's breath hitch sharply, nails digging into Sirius's skin as Remus fucked into him faster, growling through his teeth. Sirius wished he could see Remus's face, see him fall apart, see him lose control. _Feeling_ it was still damn good, though, and Sirius felt as though he was fucking imploding, stars behind his eyes as Remus gripped the messy bun at the nape of Sirius's neck and pulled, forcing Sirius's head back.

It felt like some sort of out-of-body experience - Sirius felt Remus come inside him, the sudden warmth spreading through his insides, and felt the coolness of air seeping inside him when both holes were suddenly empty, Remus pulling back and easing the tail out, too. The movement made the muscles in Sirius's thighs spasm, but he was too gone to say or do anything consciously. He barely felt conscious as it were - he couldn't even tell if his eyes were closed, or if they were just so unfocused that he couldn't see a thing. He didn't care, though - his body felt heavier than ever, and his breath came deep and shaky as he was assaulted by the aftershocks of his orgasm.

He could feel Remus still behind him, and he could vaguely hear the other moving. Maybe he was saying something? Whatever it was, Sirius's brain wasn't registering the words. Some part of him in the back of his mind was urging himself to move, to say something, to try to stand up and to come back to himself. But he was so _comfortable_ , floating in the heady, overwhelming, yet utterly calm pleasure, blissfully emptier than he'd felt for as long as he could remember. It seemed like a shame to make the effort required to be human again.

Sirius's head started to clear, marginally, when the droplets of the shower hit his back. He blinked groggily, lifting a paw - no, a hand, he had fingers now - to rub his eyes. Remus must have taken his hood off at some point; it almost felt weird to have a human face again. Looking down at himself, the harness and the knee pads were gone, too. He found himself leaning back against Remus's chest - bare, now, so he must have undressed himself. Dammit, and Sirius had missed it.

"Welcome back." Remus's tone was gentle, almost playful. He had an arm wrapped around Sirius's waist, holding him upright carefully.

"How... Wh... Why are we showering?" Sirius asked after a moment, his speech faintly slurred. To say that speaking felt _weird_ was... Definitely underplaying it. He was still coming out of a headspace that wasn't super familiar to him, and he was still fighting the part of him that wanted to drop back to his knees and be petted.

"Well, I needed to clean you up a little bit," said Remus, brushing Sirius's hair back gently. "And I thought the water might help you feel more human. I would have run a bath, but, well, I felt like a shower would be quicker. How are you feeling?"

Sirius nodded, almost to himself, as Remus spoke. The water was definitely making him feel more _human_ , as Remus put it. But, _fuck_ , this was the first time in so long that Sirius had felt... Well, nothing. He hadn't felt bad, or stressed, or worried, or tense, or even degraded, at all. He hadn't even needed to _think_ , sex or no sex, and he'd never experienced anything like that before.

He'd thought about petplay before, a hell of a lot; he'd researched it and read things, talked to people anonymously and imagined a billion different scenes, how it might feel and how it might go. But he'd never expected it would hit him like this. Why couldn't things feel like that all the time? Did he not deserve to spend more than just this brief pocket of time without the weight of a million anxieties and problems? He'd become so used to it all that he'd never realised how much different it felt when there was nothing at all hanging over his head _._ And when there was nothing there, it only brought his attention to how heavy it all was when it came crashing back down.

"Sirius?" Remus searched his face, expression concerned. "Sirius, love, talk to me."

Sirius didn't realise that his breath was coming in hollow sobs, until he covered his face with trembling hands and Remus pulled him into his chest gently, rubbing his back.

"Hey, shh... It's alright..." Remus pressed a kiss to the top of Sirius's hair. It was comforting, safe, and Sirius wanted to fold in on himself and never leave. He dug his nails into his skin, probably leaving marks on his forehead as he cried, trying to be silent even though he wanted to scream. His head hurt, and his stomach ached from the tension in his abdominal muscles, and Remus said nothing, just holding him. Sirius almost felt as though if he were to let go, he'd fall.

God, he couldn't remember the last time he'd cried.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback #2!! This carries on from the last one, the morning after they met at the party
> 
> Sirius and Remus get coffee together, ask each other what their favourite colours are, and sit on the beach, bless them. 
> 
> Mainly fluff I guess, no smut. And yeah yeah, they fall for each other really quickly, Sirius has some attachment issues, it's fiiiine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's been extremely heckin' depressed lately? It me :D  
> But yeah I've written nothing at all recently, I didn't even touch my laptop for over a month. I literally only got writing motivation back in my grasp like... two days ago? So I have this chapter and then a second chapter which will either be finished tonight or tomorrow sometime!
> 
> I actually went on Google Earth to look up Santa Monica because I know diddly squat about America, so Dogtown Coffee is a real place (and I couldn't just learn about that and NOT include it in a Wolfstar fic, come on. Even if I'm pretty sure surfing/skateboarding isn't Remus's thing)

**Los Angeles - Four years ago**

Sirius woke with Remus's arm laid over his chest, the other man lying beside him with his face hidden in the pillows, snoring quietly. He was significantly less intimidating while he was like this, thought Sirius in amusement. Sirius yawned widely, deciding to just relax and not move for a while. He didn't want to wake Remus up, after all. Part of Sirius was almost expecting Remus to be different now it was morning, almost expecting him to be suddenly ashamed or regretful that they slept together. The worry wasn't exactly overwhelming; Remus hadn't been _that_ drunk last night, neither of them had been, so it was less likely he'd have a total change of heart. Still though, what worry there was swam in Sirius's stomach like a living thing, making him chew his lip as he looked up at the ceiling. He wanted this to last. Things like this never seemed to last.

"Morning."

Sirius started at the other's voice, low and thick with sleep, and he turned his head - his neck ached, probably thanks to all the biting - to see Remus smiling sleepily at him. "You alright?" The arm lying across Sirius's body moved, Remus resting his hand on Sirius's chest. Sirius nodded, giving a small smile.

"Um, yeah."

"Still want to spend the day together?" Asked Remus. His eyes were still amber, intense. Maybe not quite as much as the previous evening, but there was still that tinge of inhuman brightness in his irises, the pupils still blown wide. It was almost jarring along with the rest of his relaxed demeanor. Sirius trailed a finger along Remus's arm, over the fabric of the loose pyjama shirt, tracing small circles on the back of the older man's hand where it lay across his top surgery scars.

"You sure _you_ want to?" Asked Sirius. Remus nodded.

"Yeah, 'course. Why, do you think you'll get mobbed by fans if we leave?" He laughed softly, and yawned, slipping his hand off of Sirius's chest as he rolled onto his back with a sigh. Sirius snorted.

"Nah, Grimm's not _that_ famous yet, I've only been recognized in public a few times, and that's only in England," he said. "And anyway, we're not exactly _mainstream;_ I feel like we'll always be kind of niche, even when we pick up more of an audience. We're not really a _radio_ band, you know?"

"Aw, you're not aiming to be the next, what, All Time Low, then?" Remus teased. Sirius looked mockingly offended - though the 'mockingly' was only because he was sure Remus just didn't know what he was talking about.

"Excuse me, we're nowhere _near_ as cheesy as All Time bloody Low. We're _rock_ , not pop punk. If I wasn't lying on this pillow you'd be getting hit in the face with it."

Remus laughed. "Come on, you have a keyboardist though, that's pretty cheesy."

"Led Zeppelin had a keyboardist! And Queen!"

"Don't you have a song called Glitter and Liquor?"

"So?"

"All Time Low has one called Glitter and Crimson."

"At least the word 'glitter' sort of _rhymes_ with 'liquor'! The real insult here is that you're a fan of All Time Low."

"I'm not, I just listen to a lot of different music!"

"That's what they all say, you fucking emo."

"You're calling _me_ an emo? With that hair?"

Remus laughed as he was hit in the face by Sirius's pillow, shielding his face with a hand. "Oi!" He snickered, and Sirius laughed as he sat up in bed properly.

"I would never have slept with you if _this_ is your idea of conversation," he joked, looking down at Remus, who was lazily clutching Sirius's pillow to his chest and gazing up at the younger man. Sunlight poured in through the glass doors to the balcony, filling the room with a golden glow. Sirius's clothes were hanging on the back of the desk chair, and the morning air made goosebumps on his bare skin. He inhaled deeply through his nose, turning his head to look out at the view, tips of palm trees lining the expanse of the ocean he could see stretching out into the distance.

He felt Remus sit up beside him, the other man pulling him closer by the waist and hiding his face in the crook of Sirius's neck, inhaling.

"You smell good."

Sirius's lips twitched upward at the corners, leaning into Remus and tilting his head to give the other easier access to his throat. "Hm, it's probably the smell of your own shampoo," he said teasingly. "I used it in the shower, remember?"

Remus chuckled softly, blowing warm air against Sirius's skin and pressing a kiss to his jawline. "No, it's not that," he said, fingers tucking hair behind Sirius's ear carefully.

"Probably the alcohol from last night then."

"Sirius."

"Hm?"

"Shut up."

Sirius smiled into the kiss. It was nowhere near as intense as last night; Remus's lips were soft and careful, and light fingers brushed against Sirius's cheek.

Sirius leaned back and gave Remus an appraising look. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"What?"

"I'm just... I don't know. I guess I thought by now you'd have had some sort of moment of clarity, or a change of heart," Sirius admitted, shrugging. "You know, that you'd kick me out of your hotel room or something."

"Why would I do that?" Remus frowned. Sirius looked down at his lap, chewing the inside of his cheek.

"I don't know," he lied. "I guess I'm not used to people finding _all_ of me attractive, you know? When people are drunk, sure, but usually I don't like to stick around in case they change their mind." He ran a hand through his hair. "Like I said before, I don't... I don't really sleep around, or do this sort of thing. It feels too risky, especially since I'm not, you know, _out_." He gave Remus a look. The other man narrowed his eyes, though his expression wasn't angry or annoyed.

"I'm surprised you think that low of me."

"I don't think low of you," said Sirius quickly, brows knitted together.

"Well fine then, I'm surprised you think that low of _you_ ," said Remus. "Have you seen yourself, Sirius? You're bloody gorgeous."

Sirius gave Remus a challenging look. "I know I am," he said. "But I also don't think other peoples' transphobia is my fault, and there's a fucking _lot_ of it all over the place, just in case you weren't aware of that. I don't keep this part of me to myself because I'm ashamed of it, you know. People are just... Pricks."

Remus opened his mouth to reply, before stopping and sighing. He ran a hand through his hair, nodding slowly. "Right," he muttered. "Sorry. I'm just..." He looked at Sirius for a moment. "Well, I'm glad you trusted me enough to stay."

"Don't know why I did, you're _clearly_ a weirdo." Sirius grinned and slipped out of bed before Remus could make a retort, stretching and letting out a soft groan. He looked back over his shoulder at Remus, to see the other watching him with eyes glinting golden in amusement.

"Like looking at me, do you?" Sirius teased, wiggling his hips. Remus chuckled, rubbing sleep from his eyes and scratching his head.

"Well, you clearly like showing off," he said, "it'd be rude of me not to look." He smirked, before reaching over to pull Sirius back into the bed by his waist, drawing a surprised yelp from the younger man.

Remus shut himself in the bathroom to get dressed, leaving Sirius in the main room as he pulled on the tight leather pants and the halterneck tank - he didn't have much choice but to forego the underwear, but the pants were so tight that it didn't make much difference anyway - grabbing a brush from the dressing table and pulling it through his hair, scanning the floor for the hair tie he'd had last night. It must have slipped out at some point, and his rudimentary scan of the carpet came up with nothing, so he guessed it was a lost cause. Now where was that choker?

He was looking for it when Remus came out of the bathroom, dressed in faded black jeans and a dusty yellow flannel shirt. Sirius looked over at him and smirked.

"You look like a sexy lumberjack," he commented. Remus laughed.

"Oh, shush." He adjusted the cuffs of the shirt, moving to make the bed as Sirius opened and closed the drawers on one of the bedside tables.

"Well it's either that or a hipster, but you don't have the glasses for a hipster I'm afraid." Sirius stuck his tongue out playfully, and Remus rolled his eyes with a laugh. He adjusted the pillows, before stopping and reaching under one of them, pulling Sirius's choker out.

"Looking for your collar?" He asked in amusement, craning his neck to look at Sirius, who was on the floor looking under the bed. His head appeared over the side of the bed.

"It's a choker," he protested, standing and crawling over the bed, reaching for the strip of leather. Remus held it out of his grasp, and Sirius braced a hand on the other's shoulder as he reached for it.

"Oi, give it here!" He laughed, standing on the bed as Remus leaned away, holding the choker at arm's length.

"I'll give it to you if you sit down."

Sirius narrowed his eyes, giving Remus a look. "Oh, telling me what to do now, are you?"

"You didn't have a problem with that last night." Remus grinned.

"Well, maybe I only like being told what to do when I'm turned on."

"Oh, is that why you wore a collar to a party?"

"It's a _choker_." Sirius's glare was only half-serious, if that, and they both knew it.

Remus laughed. "I know, I'm just being a dick." He lowered his arm. Sirius's hand was still on his shoulder, his other arm draped around Remus's neck. "Can I put your choker on for you, then?" Remus asked. "If that's okay, of course."

Sirius tilted his head to the side, making a show of thinking about it.

"Why, so you can _pretend_ like I'm your submissive?" He asked, voice overly melodramatic. "You want me to _indulge_ in your _sick, twisted_ fantasy of _owning_ me and k-" Sirius couldn't even finish the sentence, laughing at his own stupidness. Remus snorted and rolled his eyes, laughing as he shook his head.

"Yes, exactly," he said. "Now sit down and let me indulge my sick, twisted fantasy."

Sirius was giggling as he sat on the bed, and let Remus fasten the choker around his throat.

"So filthy," Sirius drawled. "Disgusting, really."

Remus ran his fingers over the faux leather, hooking one around the silver O ring. "Mhm, depraved," he agreed. "Things were far more wholesome last night when you were begging me to fuck you." He gave a lopsided smirk, and Sirius leaned in to kiss him even before Remus could pull him in by the collar.

"Sorry about this, though," Remus murmured when they broke away from each other, trailing careful fingers over the bare skin around the choker on Sirius's through. It was dark now, standing out in stark purple hues against the pale skin, like watercolour. "Have you looked in the mirror yet?"

Sirius shook his head. "No, but I can feel it when I move my head," he said, and shrugged. "It's fine, I like hickeys."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "I suppose the collar - sorry, choker - helps a bit, but it _does_ look a bit like you got attacked by some sort of animal." He looked apologetic, and Sirius stood from the bed, reaching behind his neck to fumble with the buckle on the choker.

"Okay, fine, you're making me want to look at it now," he said, sidling past Remus and slipping into the bathroom to look at himself in the mirror, getting the buckle undone and pulling the choker off so he could see his throat properly.

"Well, shit..." He muttered to himself, lifting his head to stretch his throat out, and feeling the traumatised skin carefully, poking at it with a finger and wincing. "Fucking hell, Remus."

Remus leaned against the doorway of the bathroom, looking somewhere between sheepish and pleased with himself. "Does it make a difference if I say I couldn't help myself?" He asked. "You have a very bite-able throat."

"You sound like a fucking vampire." Sirius frowned as he felt a few raised bumps on the side of his throat, toward the back where he couldn't quite see. "Hey, tell me what this is," he said, gesturing for Remus to come closer. "Did you actually nearly rip my throat out or something last night?"

Remus laughed softly, approaching Sirius and moving his hand away from his throat to take a look. "Um, I broke the skin, yeah," he said, touching it gently. "It's scabbed over through, that's what you can feel I think. Sorry."

Sirius snorted. "It's okay, I mean, it's sort of hot, in a weird way." He smirked.

"Well, biting is a pretty common kink," Remus pointed out, as he went back into the main room to grab shoes.

"I'm not talking about biting, I'm talking about my neck looking as though I've gone fifty rounds with bloody Dracula. That's not _biting,_ Remus."

"If it makes you feel any better, I'm definitely not interested in your blood," said Remus with a laugh, as he tied the laces of his boots.

"Well, I'll just have to see whether you set fire or sparkle in the sun before I make any judgments."

LA was _hot_ \- Sirius was glad he didn't have a jacket or a scarf, but he sort of wished he wasn't wearing leather pants, and the choker made him warmer than anticipated - but since he had no real pockets (his trousers were too tight to fit anything in apart from his phone anyway), he kind of had to keep it on. Remus didn't seem bothered by the heat, somehow, but Sirius guessed maybe he was just used to it. At any rate, there was definitely no sparkling, nor setting alight going on with the taller man.

"So, where are we going?" He asked. "I'm guessing you know LA better than I do."

Remus shrugged, hands in his pockets as they walked - neither of them were particularly sure what the etiquette was when 'we slept together and find each other attractive and so far enjoy each other's company but it's not practical nor realistic that we'll ever be in a relationship, but we don't want to leave just yet', so they seemed to collectively decide that hand holding wasn't going to be a thing.

"Well," he said, "honestly, I mainly come here for work - I'm not exactly an expert on the best places here or anything, but I, um, I thought maybe I'd take you for coffee?"

"Make it iced and you have a deal," said Sirius. "What 'work' are you doing, anyway? Didn't you say you owned a kink company?"

Remus nodded. "Mhm. The organisation that hosted the party last night ordered some custom gear and then a bulk lot of more, um, _normal_ gear-" he made quotations with his fingers at the word 'normal', and Sirius snickered "-so I said that if they just paid for the custom stuff and gave me free entry to the party, they could have the rest for free. A good eighty percent of their money comes from customs, anyway." He shrugged. "They charge nearly thirteen thousand dollars for entry to that thing, so..."

"Fuck..." Sirius was pretty sure that was more money than he'd spent on anything, ever. "So, what, you were delivering stuff?"

"Well, I was also going to the party," Remus pointed out in amusement. "Two birds with one stone and all that."

"Right, right." Sirius nodded, squinting in the sunlight. He could hear the ocean across the road, and smell the salt of the waves in the air. He was glad he hadn't drank much last night, or the brightness would be killing him. Instead there was the usual faint headache from what little alcohol he'd had, and from not having a whole lot of sleep last night, and the ache in his neck whenever he moved his head. He was sort of grateful he wasn't known in the US just yet; he didn't think he could handle paparazzi while he looked like this. Sure, he'd looked worse, but his tight pants were sticking to his legs rather uncomfortably and he was pretty sure he didn't exactly look stage-ready. The way Remus smiled at him though, made it very easy for Sirius's superficial worries to dissolve as quickly as they appeared.

"The coffee place is only a few minutes' walk, now."

The coffee place, it turned out, was a tiny box of a building on a street corner, with fairy lights hanging outside and an interior filled with distressed wood, potted plants, and surfing memorabilia on the walls.

"Dogtown Coffee?" Sirius asked, eyebrows raised. "Really? Dogtown?"

Remus held the door open for him, lips twitching with laughter. "Well, they have good coffee," he said. "I promise, the name is just a coincidence."

"Yeah, sure, I believe that." Sirius definitely did _not_ believe that, but he stepped inside anyway, eyes drawn to the chalkboard menu on the wall, and the skateboard mounted beside it.

"Why don't you sit down, and I'll order for us?" Remus offered, nodding to the few tables that stood under low hanging ceiling lamps, with a wooden bench running across the wall. Sirius agreed with a nod, and tucked himself into the corner next to the window, taking a moment before he sat down to pull his phone out of his ridiculously tight pants.

"You know," said Sirius once Remus arrived with their coffees - something iced for Sirius, as per request - and sat opposite the younger man on one of the chairs. "I wouldn't have thought this place would be your thing."

Remus shrugged. "They make good coffee, that's really all I need," he said. "I don't usually sit in places like this, but... It's different today."

"Oh?" Sirius raised an eyebrow playfully, stirring his drink with his straw. Remus chuckled.

"I'm not really the sort of person to sleep around, either," he said. "And I like you."

" _And_ my name means dog, so you just couldn't pass up the opportunity to bring me to Dogtown," said Sirius, smiling as Remus laughed.

"I told you, that's just a coincidence!"

"Yeah, that's likely." Sirius narrowed his eyes, but his grin assured Remus he wasn't being serious. "So, what then, is this a date?"

Remus's eyebrows quirked upward minutely, and he sipped his coffee as he thought about that. "Do you want it to be a date?" He asked. Sirius gave him a look. 

"C'mon, that's cheating. I'm the one who asked the question."

"Fine, fine. I suppose it's a date?" He chewed his lip. "But, I don't think there's much chance that we'll really be able to see each other after this." He looked almost apologetic, and Sirius nodded in understanding. Of course they wouldn't be able to see each other again; Sirius had to go back to the UK soon.

"Whereabouts do you live?" He asked, frowning at Remus.

"Oh, um, I'm based over in Colorado at the moment. I don't usually stay in one place very long. It's not as though my business has a ton of employees, so I move around a lot for that. It's mainly events like last night that end up buying from me at the moment, so." He sipped his coffee. "Best to move wherever's easiest at the time."

Sirius nodded. "But you're clearly English," he pointed out. "When did you come over here?"

"A while ago."

"Being mysterious now, are you?"

Remus laughed, shaking his head. "No, I... I went to university in England, and then figured I'd get more traction with the kink stuff over here. So here I am." He smiled. "Simple."

"It's 'simple' to just uproot your whole life?" Asked Sirius skeptically. "Did you not have any family or anything back home?"

"Well that's a bit personal," said Remus, though the same smile was still playing on his lips.

"Right, sorry." Sirius tried to look apologetic. "But you can't just be all mysterious and expect me not to ask questions, come on."

Remus snorted. "Would you answer the same questions?" He asked, raising an eyebrow. "What about _your_ family?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes, and sipped his own drink. "Touché. So what _am_ I allowed to ask about you, then?"

"Why don't we keep it simple for now?" Remus suggested. There was a pause, where Sirius watched the other man expectantly. Remus hesitated. "What's your favourite colour?"

Sirius laughed into his drink. "Um, I don't know."

"Black?" Remus suggested in amusement. Sirius wrinkled his nose.

"Most of my clothes may be black, and I may be cursed with it as a name, but that's not the point. I like, um, red. And gold." He grinned. "I've been trying to convince the band to let me wear a crown on stage, you know, like Freddie Mercury? Gold and red velvet."

Remus smiled, nodding as he pictured it. "You gonna get a cloak as well?" He asked. Sirius pursed his lips thoughtfully.

"Hmm, maybe. Though it can't be too heavy to move around in," he said. "Imagine a crown, a long velvet cloak with the whole fur-trim thing going on, platform boots, leather pants and a chest harness underneath. No shirt, of course." He grinned, and Remus nodded approvingly.

"I'd watch that show," he said. "The music would be a bonus, of course."

Sirius rolled his eyes with a soft laugh. "What about you, what's your favourite colour?" he asked.

"I like burnt orange," said Remus. "Sort of like that bright, dark ochre colour that the sky turns, in the summer right before the sun goes over the horizon."

Sirius sipped his coffee as he thought about that. "I feel like you were a lot more prepared for that question than I was," he said eventually. "How many people do you go around telling your favourite colour to?"

Remus laughed. "Well I wouldn't have asked you yours if I didn't already have my own answer," he said. Sirius was shaking his head slowly as he stirred the coffee with his straw again. It was good - he'd have to come back here at some point.

"You're so..." He paused, looking out of the window, at the clear blue sky and the tall palm trees he could see across the street. He looked back at Remus. "Insufferably put-together," he decided. Remus raised his eyebrows.

"Is that... bad?" He asked uncertainly.

"I don't know," said Sirius truthfully. "But it's the complete opposite of whatever the fuck I am, that's for sure."

Remus shrugged. "Opposites attract."

"Well, I guess we'll see."

The coffee shop closed at two in the afternoon, and after going back to his own hotel room briefly to shower, as well as change into an outfit that was more daytime-appropriate (and involved underwear), Sirius found himself waiting on Santa Monica pier for Remus to meet him. He squinted in the sunlight, but at least his clothes weren't sticking to him anymore. How did people live with this much sun? When the seemingly perpetual, grey and rainy clouds in England disappeared for a few days in a row once in a blue moon, everyone went crazy. The heat made Sirius tired, and he was glad he'd remembered sunscreen this time. His pale arms were already slightly reddened from that morning, but he hoped Remus wouldn't notice.

He checked his phone as he waited, noticing a text from Dorcas.

_'How's LA going? any music inspo?'_

Sirius bit his lip, and smiled to himself.

_'going good, and that's a maybe on the inspiration. tell u about it tonight'_

"Everything okay?" Came Remus's voice behind him suddenly, making him start as he slipped his phone into the pocket of his shorts.

"Fuck! How do you just appear like that when you're so tall?" Sirius scolded him with a breathy laugh. "Everything's fine, just a mate checking in." 

Remus smiled and nodded, handing Sirius a paper bag. "I got you lunch," he said. "Since we didn't eat at the coffee place and I don't want the heat to kill you."

Sirius snorted, taking the bag. "And you say _I'm_ dramatic?" He asked, opening it to look inside. It was a burrito, wrapped in foil and smelling pretty damn good, whatever the filling was. Sirius hadn't noticed how hungry he was, and he didn't waste time taking it out and digging in.

"You don't live in the US, I'm used to the heat at this point." Remus was still wearing the same shirt and jeans as earlier, and somehow didn't look sweaty or bothered at all by the ridiculous heat.

Sirius rolled his eyes, mouth full. Remus got the point. He laughed and started to walk, heading along the pier, and Sirius walked beside him without thinking about it.

They didn't do much, but they didn't need to. They talked, and the more they talked, the more Sirius realised he didn't want to go back to his hotel room in the evening. The more they talked, the more Sirius absolutely hated the idea of going home and never seeing Remus again. Surely this couldn't be all they had? A couple of nights at best, and a day or two if they were lucky? That couldn't possibly be fair. Sirius felt freer than he had in a long time, and he wasn't sure why. Because Remus knew he was trans? Or perhaps because he knew, and yet it hadn't come up in conversation all day. No invasive questions, no awkward trip-ups with pronouns. No hesitation when Sirius had stumbled on the pier and Remus had grabbed his hand, and no words said between them when neither of them had let go afterwards. It was the most natural connection with other human being Sirius had ever felt - he hadn't even known it was possible. They got ice cream and played twenty questions, trying to find out the most obscure, ridiculous facts about each other. Sirius learned that Remus wasn't afraid of spiders, he _was_ afraid of beetles, he was born in Wales, he'd broken his arm one time after shoplifting ("wait, how did that happen?" "The security guy grabbed my arm as I ran out, and I pulled so hard it broke. Didn't realise 'til I got home." "How the _hell_ do you not realise you broke your arm? What were you stealing that was so important?" "Adrenaline, I suppose? And I don't remember. Probably something stupid though, I was only about twelve."), he could hold his breath for almost a minute, and he'd tattooed his own feet while drunk one time ("It's literally just a tiny sun on one foot and a little moon on the other. And the sun is really wonky, I don't know why I thought I'd be able to tattoo a perfect circle. The ink ended up all blown out because I went too deep, my toes were nearly purple for like four months."). 

Likewise, Remus learned that Sirius had crashed his first car at age nine, had written a will at age eleven after getting a chain message email that told him a demon was going to kill him at midnight, couldn't drive a car but _could_ drive a motorcycle ("well I don't have a licence or anything, but I fixed it up myself, I'm not exactly going to _not_ ride it. And anyway, I've had a load of driving lessons, I just keep failing the test."), was insecure about his shoe size, had had a couple of pet rats growing up, and had shaved off what little facial hair he'd managed to grow after botching a dye job ("well it was _meant_ to go pink, but it just looked like I went down on Mr Blobby, the hair was too dark to change colour and I just had a pink face for two weeks.").

"What are you thinking about?" Asked Remus, as they sat on the beach watching sky, now a duller, purplish-blue, with the odd bruise-like cloud hanging in the air above the lights of the ferris wheel on the pier, which reflected reds and blues in the lazy waves below. Sirius traced a finger absently in the sand beside himself.

"I don't want to go," he said, turning his head to the other. Fuck, why did Remus have to _look_ like that? What right did he have, to have those faint clusters of freckles, those long eyelashes and strong jaw, and those kind little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes when he smiled? Even if this smile did look more sad than anything else right now.

"I don't want to go, either," he admitted.

"Can we just stay here for as long as possible?" Sirius scooted a little closer, so their arms touched, and Remus lifted an arm to rest it around Sirius's shoulders. "When is it you go home, again?"

"Tomorrow night," said Remus. 

"Oh." Sirius couldn't quite understand the feeling in his stomach, when Remus said that. It was sort of like... condensed, pure dread. He didn't want to think about it. He had a feeling it would hurt far too much if he even attempted to think about it, whatever _it_ was. And Sirius had a feeling that Remus didn't really want to think about it, either.

They sat in silence for a few moments, watching the sky and the waves, and the sun slowly slipping beyond the horizon. Sirius looked at their feet - one of Remus's legs was bent, the toe of his boot covered in sand, while Sirius's were both stretched out before him. He could feel Remus's breathing, soft and calm, beside him, and he tried to imprint this moment in his mind as best he could. The calmness, the stillness, the brightness on the horizon and the soft breeze that was beginning to get a little cooler, tickling Sirius's bare shoulders and knees. He rested his head on Remus's shoulder, feeling his bruised neck twinge as he did, and felt the roughness of stubble on the other man's cheek as Remus rested his head atop Sirius's.

"Do you think we could just... Stay like this?" Sirius murmured. He felt Remus smile. "And tomorrow we can do the same as today, and then..." He was quiet for a few seconds. "Then we can just..."

"Pretend like it's not going to have an ending?" Remus supplied, his voice a low rumble. Sirius made a non-committal noise. "I don't think that's a very good way to go about things, Sirius."

"Well, I've never had very good ways of going about things," Sirius muttered, turning his head carefully to press a kiss to Remus's shoulder.

"We've had a good day," said Remus softly, lifting his head to look at Sirius. The younger man didn't move his head from Remus's shoulder, but he could feel the man's gaze. "We'll make tomorrow a good day too, then... We'll work it out from there."

Sirius's brow furrowed, and he watched the shoreline getting slowly closer to them with every wave. Washing away pebbles and shells, the sandcastles and holes people had dug, as though none of them had ever been there at all. He didn't want to go away from this and pretend it had never happened. Sure, he was probably going to write songs about it, and the more painful it was, the better the songs would probably be - that was how art tended to work, he'd found. The more dramatic you were about the pain, the more people romanticised it and came back for more. But the idea that he might never see Remus like this, or share a moment like this after tomorrow night ever again... It hurt. Just trying not to think about it, knowing it was _there_ , but not looking directly at it, hurt. Sirius had a feeling that if he allowed himself to think about it properly, let it saturate his thoughts even a little, he would be in more pain than he could handle right now.

"What..." Sirius's voice was quiet, but he knew Remus could hear him. "What if we can never do this again?"

Sirius felt gentle fingers on his cheek, and he closed his eyes. "Sirius, of _course_ we can do this again," Remus said softly. "Do you really think that after this, I'm just going to go home and forget about you? Let you just never see me again? It might be a while, because of travel, but we gave each other our details, right? We'll talk online, and one of us can fly out to see the other, sometime. Maybe Grimm will end up doing some shows in America, and you'll be able to stay with me then."

Sirius allowed himself a small smile. "I'd drag you along to all the shows," he said.

"Well then you'd better make sure you have that crown, cloak, and chest harness getup ready," Remus teased. "I won't accept anything less from you." Sirius laughed softly.

"What about a collar, too?" He said.

"A choker, or a collar?" 

"A collar."

Remus was quiet for a second - Sirius glanced up at him, to see a fond smile at the corners of the other man's mouth. _That smile,_ he thought, as his heart hammered in his chest. _That's the one I'm going to commit to memory._

"I think I could approve of that," Remus said softly, nodding. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one could be better so I apologize, but if you liked it then kudos/a nice comment is always heavily appreciated!! I've never written anything quite like this fanfiction before so I'm always super nervous about updating it lmao.
> 
> And like I said, I can guarantee another chapter in the next day or so. Guaranteeing a chapter is something I've never done before lmao but yeah for once I can say for sure y'all won't be waiting another two months for an update!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> News has broken about Sirius's disappearance, and it's not just his friends that want him to come home.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: mentions of transphobic abuse, child abuse, and there's a lil bit of blood but nothing serious. No slurs though! I'm aiming to keep the T word out of this fic, despite Sirius occasionally experiencing/talking about transphobia. I hate that word.
> 
> This takes place just after the events of chapter 8~
> 
> The next chapter will most likely have kinky smut, but this one is mainly plot/character stuff "^^

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNINGS (I put them in the chapter summary, but I use a certain app for reading fanfic a lot and I'm pretty sure it includes the notes but not the summary so I'm putting them here too to be safe): mentions of transphobic abuse, child abuse, there's a lil bit of blood but it's nothing serious I'm mainly just adding that in just in case.
> 
> *insert general apology for any spelling/grammar errors!! As well as apologies for characterisation and all the 2034958 other things I worry about with this fic lmao*
> 
> But yeah!! I guaranteed this chapter a day or two after the last one, so here I am!

Sirius woke slowly, and it took him a moment to remember where he was. He was curled up under the covers of Remus's huge king-sized bed, and his cheeks were still wet from crying. He sat up slowly, threading tired fingers through his hair, parts of which still felt damp.

A look at the clock on the wall told him it was almost four in the afternoon, so he'd been sleeping for a while. There was a full glass of water on the bedside table, and Sirius shuffled up the bed to lean against the headboard, nursing the water slowly as he tried to unscramble his thoughts.

They'd had a shower - well, sort of. He didn't need to think about that. He remembered Remus drying him off gently, leading him back to the bed, and lying with him. He must have fallen asleep then, but he remembered being held as he drifted off. The thought nearly made him cry again.

Fuck, this was ridiculous. He was being completely stupid - but one thing he'd learned about himself over the years was that once he started something, he usually couldn't stop. Even if he realised that whatever _it_ was, was the worst thing he could possibly have done. Sirius never been very good at making decisions that anyone would describe as 'good'.

"You're up."

Sirius was snapped from his reverie by Remus's voice, and he looked over to see the taller man stood at the bedroom door, watching him.

"I'm up," Sirius mumbled, finishing the water and setting the glass back on the bedside table. "Sorry about before." He couldn't quite bring himself to meet Remus's gaze. The other man frowned, shaking his head as he moved to sit at the edge of the bed.

"Don't be," he said softly. "You have nothing to apologize for. How are you feeling?"

Sirius shrugged. He really didn't know. Did he regret coming here? No... He knew he couldn't say he regretted it and be truthful. But there was that sick, anxious feeling in his stomach, not knowing what happens next. In an ideal world, everything would just melt away and he could focus on being here, being a good submissive for Remus, or something like that. But as soon as he thought that, Sirius chided himself for being so childish. Why was he always so fucking childish?

"Sirius." Remus's voice cut through his thoughts, and Sirius looked at him. His eyes were warm honey, gentle and safe. He didn't need to say anything for Sirius to know what he was thinking.

"I'm sorry," Sirius muttered again. He wasn't sure exactly what one thing he was apologizing for - coming here? Having a breakdown in the shower? Being an inconvenience? Barging in on Remus and James and Lily and Peter, the latter three probably not even having had a choice about him coming? _Had_ they had a choice?

Remus stood, moving around the bed and climbing in beside Sirius, sitting atop the duvet and wrapping an arm around Sirius's shoulders. Sirius rested his head on the other's shoulder automatically, and sighed.

Everything was silent for almost a minute, and the two of them just sat. Remus's presence was warm and comforting, and Sirius tried to focus on anything that _wasn't_ his own thoughts.

"Thought you'd have work to do," he said eventually.

"Well, you're more important at the minute."

Sirius felt a soft kiss pressed to his hair, and he bit the inside of his lip.

"Do you think I've made a really shit decision?" He asked quietly. "D'you think I'm stupid for coming here?"

"No."

"You answered that too fast."

Remus gave a faint chuckle, though it wasn't exactly filled with humour. "I don't think you're stupid," he said, voice barely above a whisper. But Sirius was so close, he didn't need to strain to hear him. "I... I think that desperate people do desperate things."

Sirius frowned. "You think I'm desperate." He wasn't sure whether to be insulted. He took his head from Remus's shoulder to look up at the other, whose expression was somewhere between thoughtful and concerned. He shook his head, and when he spoke Sirius could tell he was trying very hard to say the right thing.

"I think that you haven't been shown the respect and the love that you deserve, maybe ever, from what I can tell," he said. "And I think that anyone in your position, if they were given an opportunity to leave everything behind and live only around people who would treat them how they want and deserve, they would do the same." He paused. "But, obviously, the reality of the situation is a lot more complicated than that, _especially_ with the, uh, current political climate. I don't think most people would _actually_ take that risk, but." He shrugged. "I don't know most people, I just know you. And I know that you're not stupid, or crazy, or whatever else you're calling yourself in your head. You just want to be loved how you deserve, Sirius. That's all anyone wants."

Sirius felt Remus's gentle touch on his cheek, brushing a lock of dark hair behind his ear with the hand that wasn't around his shoulders. "I just wanted it to be simple," Sirius mumbled. Remus gave another faint laugh, and nodded.

"Me too," he agreed. "But nothing ever is, especially these days. But, look." He tilted Sirius's head up to look at him. "You're here, there's no going back, and, well, as selfish as it may be for me to want you here, I do." He leaned down to kiss Sirius softly, and it was just so easy for Sirius to let his eyes fall closed, to lean into the kiss and bring a hand up to trace Remus's cheekbone lightly, before the other pulled away and smiled softly.

"And anyway, it's not about being easy or simple. It's about being worth it," he added, before nodding toward Sirius's clothes, still folded over the chair at the desk. "Why don't you get dressed?" He suggested.

"In a minute," said Sirius, leaning against Remus again. "Just... Hold me for a bit, will you?"

"Do you ever miss home?" Sirius's voice sounded loud in the silence of the bedroom. He watched the dust particles floating in the sunlight that came in through the large back window, bright golden and darkening the shadows in the room, and listened to the faint, steady thump of Remus's heartbeat, feeling his pulse through his throat.

"Home?"

"The UK. Wales, or England, whichever."

"Sometimes, I suppose. Don't particularly miss the weather though. I do better in warmer climates."

"'Better in warmer climates'? You sound like an exotic animal." 

Remus laughed, and Sirius continued.

"How do you not get all sweaty and gross? I couldn't work when it's so hot in the day, I'd be disgusting." He remembered having to record music in the studio during a heatwave one time, how they'd all moaned and complained about the lack of air conditioning. Gilderoy had gone through an entire packet of blotting papers and three bottles of water, Sirius was pretty sure he'd sweated into the microphone and had refused to put a shirt on, and their manager had hated them.

"I don't really sweat."

Sirius frowned, lifting his head to give Remus a strange look. "What, at all?"

Remus shrugged, shaking his head. "No. Though I _did_ used to get hypothermia a fair bit back in the UK. My fingers used to have blue tips a lot, I didn't think to go to the doctors at first."

Sirius barked out a shocked laugh. "How?" He asked incredulously. "I mean, surely that would hurt!"

There was an odd look in Remus's eye, and the older man laughed nervously. "Ah, yeah, sort of." He shrugged. "I don't know. It was a while ago, I don't really remember."

Sirius frowned, tilting his head as he regarded Remus for a moment. He made it sound as though he'd used to be very sickly, but clearly he was fine now - or he was as far as he'd said. Sirius's mind was drawn back to Remus's hotel bathroom, when they'd first met - that drug he'd had, with the weird name. Remus had said it had something to do with the full moon stuff, with his eyes being that strange amber colour. Maybe all that stuff was just side effects, though, Sirius thought to himself. Clearly there was more to Remus that the other was comfortable explaining. "Is that, like, what the scars are from?" He asked. "You getting sick and not thinking to go to the doctors, or something?"

"What, you think that's what hypothermia does? Gives you a load of random scars?" Asked Remus in amusement. Sirius looked unimpressed.

"You know what I mean. You make it sound like you'd have died of illness if you stayed in the UK or something. I'm not going to make fun of you if you, I don't know, have a weak immune system or something. It's just not something you've ever mentioned before." Considering they'd talked online, video called, and talked on the phone for several years and the scars had never come up, Sirius assumed Remus was insecure about them, or perhaps he'd thought that Sirius wouldn't take him as seriously as a Dom? Even though that thought was utterly ridiculous; if anything, the scars made Remus look more intimidating.

"I don't like to talk about it," said Remus quickly, shrugging. 

"Remus, you're allowed to be weak." Sirius's tone was firm, and Remus sighed quietly.

"It's not that," he said. "It's just... A complicated situation, and I prefer to keep it to myself."

"Does James know about it?" Sirius tried to keep the tone of jealously out of his voice.

"James only knows what he needs to know."

Sirius's eyes narrowed. "You know, for someone who likes looking after other people, you're pretty shit at letting those people worry about you for once."

"Sirius, I assure you, there's nothing about me to worry about," said Remus firmly, voice still quiet. "If there was, I would tell you. Do you really think I'd bring you to live at my house if I was dying, or physically incapable, or something?"

"Well, I feel like we probably have different ideas of what 'something to worry about' is," Sirius pointed out. Remus waved a hand nonchalantly.

"Right now, I'm more focused on your situation," he said. Sirius huffed, frowning.

"Do you remember when I told you you're insufferably put-together?" He said. Remus blinked at him for a moment.

"Um, kind of."

"Well, turns out I was wrong."

Remus raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"Apparently you're only good at _acting_ like you're put-together. You can't just look after other people and expect nothing back from them."

Remus's brow creased, and he gave Sirius an unimpressed look. "Sirius, that's... Exactly the opposite of what I do," he said. "I'm a Dom, I look after people and they literally do as I ask." He paused. "Within reason, of course," he added quickly. "But it's a mutual relationship sort of thing, that's my point here."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Just because James makes your bed and dusts your fine china in pantyhose or whatever, isn't the same as you having an actual, personal conversation with someone."

Remus laughed softly. "Maybe I should get him some pantyhose," he muttered, before sighing. "I know what you mean," he said, "but things aren't always that simple. Can you just trust me on that one?" His gaze wasn't one that Sirius could say no to, but he didn't want to say yes either so he just exhaled heavily, slumping against the pillows and looking up at the ceiling.

"What about you, though?" Remus asked after a few seconds. Sirius didn't look at him, but frowned.

"What about me?"

"Do you miss home?"

Sirius snorted. "God, no." He paused. "Wait, do you mean just the UK in general, or like, actual home? Like my family?"

"Either or."

Sirius shrugged. "Haven't been here long enough to miss any of the good stuff back there," he said. "And as for my family, they can eat a bag of dicks."

"How poetic." 

Sirius could hear the smile in the other's voice, and he couldn't help but grin, though it didn't reach his eyes. "It's what they deserve." 

Sirius was grateful that Remus didn't ask for details.

Sirius dragged himself out of bed to get dressed eventually, feeling Remus's eyes on him as he did ("if you don't stop looking, you're gonna end up turning me on." "Maybe that's the point." "Oh, shush."). He only got _slightly_ distracted by the other man, when Remus pulled him back to the edge of the bed by his hips to kiss him before he could pull on his shirt, and Sirius had to refrain from climbing on top of him.

"You said you had work to do."

Remus grimaced. "I do."

"And I'm starving to death, I can't spend my last bit of energy on an orgasm I'm afraid, even you aren't worth that."

The taller man laughed, and Sirius couldn't help the fondness of his expression; Remus looked so much younger when he smiled. It was easy to forget that he was only two years older than Sirius - he always seemed so calm and collected all the time, like he knew what he was doing. Sirius never really knew what he was doing.

"Be a good way to go, though," Remus said, standing up and kissing Sirius again. Sirius smiled against the taller man's lips.

"True, but I didn't come all the way here just to die after, what, three days?" Sirius stepped away to pull his shirt on, and Remus watched him with a glint of amusement in his eyes, sighing after a moment.

"Right, I really should get some stuff done," he muttered to himself, running a hand through his hair.

"What is it you do, anyway?" Asked Sirius. "I mean, you run a company or whatever, but you just sit in your office."

"Well, I have the privilege of being able to work from home," said Remus. "But it's more a personal matter that I have to tend to at the moment, if I'm honest." He rubbed his forehead, and Sirius nodded slowly.

"What sort of personal matter?" He asked lightly.

"The personal sort," Remus retorted, tone just as light as he headed to the bedroom door, which was still ajar. Sirius rolled his eyes, but knew he wasn't going to get anywhere.

"You know, living with you isn't going to be much fun if you don't actually let me get to _know_ you," said Sirius. "But, whatever. Keep your secrets."

Remus gave him an amused look over his shoulder. "Is that a Lord of the Rings quote?"

Sirius picked up the empty glass of water from the bedside table, and looked at Remus. "I'd say you don't look the nerdy type, but I'd be lying," he said sweetly, before gesturing at the glass in his hand. "I'll take this downstairs, I need to grab food anyway." He paused. "Hey, um-"

"Yeah?"

"Do I, er, do I look like I've been crying?" Worry flashed across Sirius's face, and Remus's expression softened. He shook his head.

"You can't tell," he assured Sirius. "Promise."

Sirius wasn't exactly what one would call an expert in the kitchen, but he _did_ manage to find an instant ramen packet at the back of one of the cupboards, which was really all he needed.

After eating, he padded back upstairs toward his room. He could hear something like a television coming faintly from one of the rooms, which helped make the house feel a little less empty at least. It was easy to feel alone in this place, what with all the pointless space.

The first thing Sirius's eyes were drawn to once he shut the door, was his phone. Great, he'd almost had the privilege of forgetting about it - it was definitely charged by now. He picked it up and sat on the end of the bed with a sigh, unlocking it and looking through the notifications. Maybe connecting to the WiFi had been a bad idea, he thought to himself, looking at all the 99+ bubbles on almost every single one of his apps. He swiped down to the notification center, deciding to see if anything in particular jumped out at him as worth reading; he had a feeling it was going to take him hours otherwise.

Almost immediately, a text from Dorcas that just said '*missing' made him frown nervously. He tapped through to the text thread.

_'Sirius you had better not make any stupid decisions.'_

_'I know you told Davey you'd sleep on it, whatever IT is'_

_'Sirius u asshole reply to me'_

_'look ok you don't have to reply but at least let me know you're okay'_

_'why is your wifi off? I've been trying to send you memes on ig all day'_

_'you were supposed to meet today for practice. If you need time off just tell us'_

_'?'_

_'Sirius pick up'_

_'Sirius this isn't funny, we're worried about u'_

_'Sirius?'_

_'sirius I swear to fucking god'_

_'pick up the phone'_

_'dude'_

_'come on'_

_'Look ok we're just worried can you at least respond to someone??? anyone?'_

_'i'm going to call you literally non stop until you answer'_

_'u know, when you talk about goig to fucking AMERICA and then you just disappear, it sort of scares the shit out of us??'_

_'ok especially when davey got through to voicemail and it charged him like ten quid????? why??'_

_'Ok we didn't have much choice but we're filing a missibg persons report today so yh I ducking hope you're okay you asshole'_

_'*ducking'_

_'*FUCKING FFS'_

_'*missing'_

Sirius read the string of texts with rising anxiety, heart pounding in his ears. A missing persons report? Okay, maybe he was stupid for thinking they _wouldn't_ do that. This wasn't how this was meant to go... Fuck, what was he meant to do? If he texted back and said he was okay, she would only have a million questions for him that he didn't want to answer, that he didn't even know if he _could_ answer. Maybe it was better to just ignore it all forever, he thought tiredly. Be one of those celebrities that fake their death and end up the subject of one of those creepy stories Youtube channels, or something. Maybe he could drop his phone out of the window or smash it into the wall.

Okay no, that was stupid.

Or was it?

Yes, definitely stupid. Get a grip, Sirius.

His jaw clenched though, as the phone buzzed in his hand and Regulus's name came up. Fuck's sake, did he ever give up?

Sirius wondered how badly the phone's screen would smash from the bedroom window to the ground. Maybe he could get it in the pool?

No. He couldn't do that, he knew he'd regret it. He looked at the call screen for a good five seconds, before scowling and picking up the call.

"What?" He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that answering a call from his little brother, in _this_ situation, while he was pissed off, what _not_ the wisest decision. But then again, Sirius didn't exactly consider himself a paragon of wise decisions.

"Sirius?" Regulus sounded shocked, confused. Hearing his voice made Sirius clench his fist on his lap until the knuckles were white.

"Can you stop calling me?"

"Sirius where the hell are you?

"Why does that matter? It's not like I ever reply to you anyway, Reg." Why _did_ he care? Regulus had been calling and occasionally emailing Sirius every now and then since the latter had been kicked out, and Sirius had never replied. Why did it suddenly make a difference?

"Because you're in America and i-it's not safe."

Sirius's eyes narrowed. "How do you know I'm in America?"

"Sirius, come on. You're a fucking celebrity."

"So? I haven't told anyone yet." A lie, but it wasn't as though Regulus knew any of his friends; as far as the world knew, Sirius had no family. And luckily for him, his family was too up their own arses to want to be associated with a flamboyant, queer rock singer, anyway. So _they_ wouldn't be about to announce that they were related, either.

There was silence for a few seconds. "How I know doesn't matter."

"How do you fucking know, Regulus?" Sirius growled, a little louder than he'd meant to, leg bouncing impatiently as he sat on the bed. He needed a cigarette - luckily, he had a couple left lying in the packet on his desk.

"One of our, um, clients said he'd seen you, or heard your name, or something. I thought he might have been lying, but whenever I called, I mean, I don't expect you to pick up, but you at least hang up on me so I know you're still there. And you hadn't posted on social media in a few days either, you don't usually take breaks from _all_ of them."

Sirius lit one of the cigarettes between his lips, fumbling with the lighter a little, and exhaled heavily, rubbing his forehead with the hand not holding his phone to his ear.

"Fuck's sake..." He muttered. Of course, his family had a piece-of-shit client in America. Hell, half the people they defended were mob bosses and crime lords, of _course_ they had clients in America. They probably thought the new laws were just fucking _great_. "Well, I'm fine. So leave me alone, Reg."

"Who are you with? Sirius, you don't understand how dangerous-"

"I know how bloody dangerous it is, Regulus," Sirius snapped. "I'm not stupid, I _know_. I'm with people I trust, I'm totally safe."

"Who?"

"A guy called Lu-" Sirius caught himself halfway through the name, shaking his head quickly. "Look, I don't have to say anything to you." He took a drag of the cigarette. "You don't _deserve_ to know, alright? As far as you're concerned, I'm dead. I'm pretty happy with it that way, and you should be too."

"Sirius-"

"Regulus, just because you can't deal with the fact that I don't want to be associated with our shitty family doesn't mean you get to force me to talk to you anyway. I'm alive, I'm fine, you don't need to know anything else. You don't even need to know _that!"_ Regulus sounded like he tried to speak, but Sirius cut him off, almost yelling out of sheer frustration. He took a quick breath, before speaking through his teeth, his tone venomous. "And if you say anything at all about this to Mum and Dad, I won't even hang up on you when you call anymore, and I'll _really_ hope you think I'm dead." He hung up before Regulus could say anything else, and tossed the phone aside, hands trembling. He put his cigarette between his lips, clenching and unclenching his fists as he tried to calm down. It didn't matter what Regulus said, anything involving his family never failed to make him high-strung and anxious. It would probably always be that way, because Sirius was too impatient to go to therapy.

A soft knock at the door made him look over, and he plucked his cigarette from his lips, holding it between two fingers and blowing out smoke.

"Yeah."

He'd been expecting Remus, but it was Lily who stood in the doorway, expression concerned. She fiddled with her phone in her hands. "I heard you shouting," she said. "You okay?"

Sirius chewed the inside of his cheek, nodding. His heart was still beating just a little too fast. "Yeah, fine," he muttered. "Sorry. I just... Wasn't prepared for my brother to call."

Lily nodded, leaning against the door frame. "Did you see the news?" She asked. Something about her tone made Sirius's anxiety spike again.

"Should I have?"

"They reported you missing," she said. _Oh, right. Nothing new then_. Sirius gave a nod.

"Yeah, I know." He gestured to his phone. "Suppose I should have expected that, right?" He gave a weak chuckle, and she smiled, though it was more worried than anything else.

"Your brother was on the news earlier too, on an emergency report," she said. _Well, shit._ Sirius's stomach dropped.

"What? Why? What did he... What'd he say? Why would he go on the news? It's not even been a week! Was it just him?"

"I-I don't know," said Lily, shaking her head. "The news was saying you'd been kidnapped, but he, well..." She frowned. "Do you want to watch it?" She asked. Her expression told Sirius he definitely _didn't_ want to do that.

"Yes."

Lily's bedroom looked a lot more personal than Sirius's bare-looking room, with green bedsheets, fairy lights, fake ivy and art on the walls, and a pretty impressive-looking computer setup, with an expensive-looking camera, ring light and tripod against the wall.

"Ok, wasn't counting on you bringing him back here when you said you were gonna check on him," said James, who sat up quickly from lying on his side in what looked like some sort of humorous attempt to be seductive when he saw Sirius, moving to sit cross-legged on the bed among the piles of cushions. Sirius looked between the two of them as Lily made a beeline for the computer.

"Am I interrupting something?" He asked.

"No."

"Yes." James's tone was lighthearted though, and Sirius gave an uncertain laugh.

"I didn't know you two had a thing," he said.

"We don't have a thing," came Lily's voice.

"We have a bit of a thing," said James.

"James wishes we had a thing."

"James _knows_ we have a thing."

"I don't think you have a thing, mate," said Sirius in amusement.

"Lils just doesn't like to admit that we have a thing," said James. Sirius didn't need to see Lily's expression to know she was rolling her eyes. "But it's fine," he continued. "I don't mind. No pressure." He hugged a round, fluffy cushion to himself. "You watching the news thing from earlier?" He asked, looking at Sirius. "I didn't know you had a brother. S'not on your Wikipedia page."

"Yeah, because he's a dick." Sirius didn't smile. How had _everyone_ found out about this before him?

"I did say he seemed a bit of a dick when we watched it," said James. "Didn't I say he seemed like a dick?" He looked at Lily, who hummed noncommittally and looked at Sirius, gesturing to her computer chair.

"Here, sit down and watch."

Sirius hadn't seen his brother's face in years. He must be, what, twenty two or twenty three by now? He looked different, but that was expected. He definitely wasn't the small skinny kid from Sirius's memories, he'd filled out a little and inherited their father's angular features and dark eyes, though they weren't as cold and empty as Orion's.

"My brother cut myself, our parents and our family out of his life nearly ten years ago," Regulus was saying. He was in a modern, fancy-looking office with a large window behind him - clearly on a very high floor, judging from the view. He didn't look as soulless as their parents always had, but Sirius was fairly sure that he couldn't have worked at their family's company for five-or-so years without becoming at least a bit of a monster. "He was always very impulsive and irresponsible, but that's what people have always liked about him, which is evident from the career he's built for himself, and it's what makes him stand out." There was something almost wistful in Regulus's expression, but his brow was set, and his voice was quiet, lips thin.

"It's a bit soon to say he was coerced into running away, don't you think?" Came the voice of the reporter. Regulus was quiet for a few seconds.

"My brother has always had problems with mental illness, and I've reached out to him before over the years to offer support, but he's never just completely disappeared like this. We've been able to keep tabs on him thanks to his career and social media, and it's very much not like my brother to stop all social medias, all communication with friends of his, to leave his house empty, _and_ to freeze his accounts at the same time." Regulus's expression was stiff, serious - Sirius would have bet anything that he was talking from a script their parents had written for him. "We're hoping this might just be one of his episodes and that he's safe, but like I said before he can be very impulsive sometimes, and he doesn't always make the best decisions for himself. It's how he ended up homeless a few years ago, despite our parents asking him to come back home, and offering financial support."

Sirius clenched his fists so hard that his nails dug into his palms, and his jaw clenched so hard he felt his teeth creak together. _Really?_ He was playing up sympathy for their fucking _parents_? He could see Lily watching him out of the corner of his eye, and he knew his expression was murderous, but he didn't say anything. He didn't think he could. Regulus was still talking.

"If anyone has seen him, or heard from him, we need them to contact us," he was saying. "We just want to know he's safe, and if he's not then we have the resources and power to bring him home. I wouldn't be saying this if we could do nothing about it, but we _can_. We just need to know where he is."

"And what about rumours that he's traveled to the US?"

Regulus hesitated briefly. "Well, thanks to the success of our parents and our business, we have a lot of trusted contacts all over the world," he said, tone business-like. Rehearsed. Sirius hated it. "So no matter where he is, if he's in trouble or he's been kidnapped or coerced, we will do anything in our power to bring him home."

Sirius didn't hear the rest of the report, as it wrapped up and the logo of the news station came up on the screen. His head felt like it was full of TV static.

"Sirius?" Asked Lily quietly after a moment. Sirius was already shaking his head - he had nothing to say, he didn't even know _what_ to say to them about that.

"I'm sorry," Sirius muttered, standing and leaving the room in a few strides.

Back in his own room, he grabbed his phone and did something he hadn't done in almost ten years: called Regulus himself. He was shaking as he held the phone to his ear, but he was too high-strung to do anything but stand there as it rang once, twice, three times, before-

"Siri-"

"What the _fuck_ do you think you're playing at?" Sirius snarled, his voice rough. "The fuck do you think you're doing, going on the news and playing the concerned fucking family? _Well?!"_

"You saw the news."

"Of course I saw the fucking news!"

"So you're somewhere with internet?"

Sirius stopped short, then gritted his teeth. "Maybe I just have a TV like a normal person."

"But if you saw it live, you would have yelled at me before," Regulus pointed out.

"Oh my god, you're such a piece of _shit!_ " Sirius snapped. "Why would you say that shit about me on TV? I want to know _why_ , because you might be a dick Reg, but I'm not an idiot, I know you were never _that_ much of a twat." Sirius's voice wavered as he fought not to yell, and he hated it. He swallowed hard. "What you fucking said on that report, they put you up to that didn't they? Fucking wanted public sympathy because their son who they _don't even fucking care about_ suddenly disappeared?"

Regulus's voice became quieter now, the words more rushed. "Sirius, trust me, if they'd had their way it would have been worse," he said. "I-I said what I was told to say, and I tried to tone it down as much as I could, but Dad has my job hanging over me, there was nothing I could do! I'm sorry!"

Sirius paced in his room, running his free hand through his hair in frustration. There was that same tone of voice, afraid, stressed, slightly whiny, when Regulus said there was nothing he could do. That he was _sorry_. He'd said the exact same thing with tears in his eyes before Sirius had left home. When Sirius had asked why he never said anything to their father or mother, but why he always helped clean Sirius up when he was hurt. There was nothing he could do to stop them - there was never anything he could do. He never _tried_ to do anything in the first place. When they were kids, Sirius could try to understand. But now it just made him angry. 

"Yeah, well, you're always fucking sorry, aren't you Reg? You're always sorry, but you're too afraid to actually make anything right, or help in any fucking way-"

"What do you want me to do?!" Regulus hissed. Sirius wondered where his brother was; he sounded as though he was trying to be quiet. He wondered if their parents could hear him, if he was at home. "Tell me, Sirius! What do you expect me to do?! I'm not exactly in a breezy fucking situation myself, Mum and Dad are the only security I've got!"

"They were the only security _I_ had, Reg. Didn't stop me."

"Yeah and now you're in fucking America and you're probably going to get trafficked and killed."

"Reg-"

"I don't care how safe you think you are. This isn't going to end well for you, Sirius. Not unless you come home."

Sirius laughed mirthlessly, unable to stop himself. He clenched his fist, focusing on the pain in his palm as he stared out of the window, face stony. "Where's home, Reg? Tell me. Is it where they burned my face off the family tapestry because they were so fucking ashamed of my existence? Is it where they made me go to our stupid cousin's engagement with a broken nose instead of just letting me wear a suit? Where they starved me for weeks because I used their money for a chest binder, and locked me in my room whenever we had company?" Sirius gripped his phone tighter, hand shaking, and swallowed the bile in his throat. "Or is 'home' the same people that wrote on their own stupid shady company's web page that they had a daughter who died about nine years ago? Because Regulus, I would rather really die here, than go back to that version of home." Sirius's heart was pounding in his ears, and he felt warmth on his palm, looking down to see a trickle of blood running through his tense fingers. He winced and relaxed his hand a little, listening for his brother's response. There was nothing at the other end of the line, just the sound of Regulus's soft breathing. Sirius watched blood well up from the small cuts on his palm, as he waited for his brother to speak. There was silence for a few moments - Sirius could hear movement outside his door, and he had a feeling he was being listened in on. Whether it was James or Lily, or even Remus, or hell, Peter, he couldn't really bring himself to care enough to check.

"Sirius..." Regulus's voice was quiet, barely a whisper. "I..." He sighed heavily. "I don't know what to say."

Sirius's expression was resigned, and he nodded. The blood on his hand was steadily dripping small, round droplets onto the carpet.

"You never do, Reg." Sirius hung up before his brother could attempt a response.

He felt too spent, too exhausted to cry. He'd already cried too much today. It hurt to swallow when he tried to rid himself of the lump in his throat and he just felt sick. He didn't turn when he heard a _thump_ outside his door, and voices before the door opened.

"Sirius?"

Sirius didn't turn to look at Remus. He heard the other approaching him cautiously. Remus didn't scold him for the blood on the carpet.

"I heard you shouting," he said softly. "You were talking to your brother?"

"Did you know?" Sirius turned to look at Remus. He couldn't see anyone else in the doorway in his peripheral vision, so he assumed James and Lily had scarpered. "Did you know he talked to the news?"

"No." Remus shook his head. "I only found out about half an hour ago, I had no idea." He glanced down at Sirius's hands, before connecting their gaze again. "Let's get your hand cleaned up," he said, brow furrowed with worry. "Yeah?"

Sirius just nodded. He let Remus take the phone from him, hand him a tissue to hold from his pocket, and lead him out of the bedroom, down into the kitchen. Remus had him run his hand under cool water at the sink, then sat him on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, while he rummaged through a cupboard.

"Why do you keep bandages in the kitchen?" Asked Sirius after a moment, frowning. Remus shrugged.

"Force of habit. It's where my mum used to keep our medical stuff," he said, straightening up with a roll of bandage in his hand. He sat beside Sirius and took his hand gently.

"I'm surprised you didn't punch something," he said, as he wrapped the bandage around Sirius's palm once, twice, three times, and tied it carefully. "Or break something. I didn't hear details, but it sounded like you were having an intense conversation." Sirius shrugged.

"I always told myself I wasn't going to be the sort of guy that punches walls and throws stuff when he gets upset," he said. "Had enough of guys like that."

Remus nodded, and sighed. "Well, I'd prefer you threw something than hurt yourself," he said. "I can afford to replace stuff. Can't afford to replace you." He kissed Sirius's palm over the bandage, and Sirius rolled his eyes.

"You're so cheesy," he muttered.

"Good, you're not _nearly_ cheesy enough. Someone has to compensate around here."

Sirius gave a weak chuckle, and Remus smiled, clearly pleased he'd made the other crack a smile. It didn't last long though, and Sirius looked down at his thighs, as he sat on the stool.

"Did you really not hear any of the conversation?" He asked after a moment. "I know James and Lily were probably eavesdropping."

Remus chewed his lower lip, thinking. "I'll have a word with them if you want," he said. Sirius shook his head.

"S'fine."

Remus nodded slowly. "I may have heard a little bit," he admitted. "I wasn't trying to listen, but I wanted to wait 'til you were finished to come in."

Sirius just nodded, not knowing what to say. He didn't really care that Remus had heard him - he didn't like to talk about his family, but he wasn't going to actively _hide_ the fact that he loathed them.

"I'm sorry, Sirius," said Remus quietly. His expression was serious, sad, and he looked tired. "You deserve better than them."

"I know I do." Sirius ran the fingers of his un-bandaged hand over the white fabric that covered his other palm. "That's why I left them in the first place." He thought back to Regulus's interview, and swallowed bile in his throat. "Didn't know they'd been keeping tabs on me, though."

"They can't do that while you're here," Remus assured him. Sirius nodded.

"That's why they want me to go back." He gritted his teeth. "I don't get it. They hate me, I don't understand why they can't just fuck off and leave me alone."

"Maybe because you're still their child, at the end of the day?" Remus suggested - he looked like he didn't really believe his own optimism, and Sirius wondered how Remus's own parents had been toward him. Remus had never chided Sirius for being harsh against his own parents, like most people had in the past. Told him that 'they're still your parents!' or 'I'm sure they were just doing what they thought was best for you', or 'they were probably just concerned'. He'd heard it all before, from almost everyone at least once, but Remus wasn't like that. Remus seemed to trust Sirius's judgement, fully and completely, but he was obviously still trying to be comforting. Sirius shook his head.

"Not likely. They probably don't like that they can't just... Find me anymore, or something. I don't know, they're all freaks. Their minds don't work like normal people, I stopped trying to figure them out ages ago." He sighed and brushed his hair out of his face. "God, today's been shit."

"This morning was pretty good though," Remus reminded him. Sirius's lips twitched upward, and he nodded.

"Yeah," he agreed. "We should do that more often."

"The sex, or you being my dog?"

"Both, definitely both." Sirius already missed it, that headspace where he felt lighter and happier than he could even imagine being right now, no concerns or worries. Where all he needed to do was trust Remus, and it was so, so easy to trust Remus when nothing else in the world really existed.

"I think we'll have to wait a bit before you're crawling around on all fours again, though," Remus said, nodding to Sirius's hand. "Not having you going around with a hurt paw."

Sirius smirked. "Maybe you'll have to take me to the vets."

Remus couldn't help laughing. "Maybe I will," he agreed, eyes bright with mirth. "But only if you behave and promise not to bite."

Sirius grinned, showing his teeth. "Woof."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you enjoyed please feel free to leave a comment and kudos, they are my lifeblood ;7;


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a couple days since the last chapter, Sirius can't sleep, and he has a conversation with Peter, of all people. Also a lil bit of wolfstar softness, just a little bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updating this fic after 234567 years lmaoo hello!
> 
> I do just wanna assure people that I love this fic, but 1) life has been chaotic lately lol, and 2) honestly, I have ideas for this fic but very little clue on how to actually, you know, string those ideas into coherent chapters and connect them all, especially when ADHD means that I get to a lull in a chapter and then lose interest in it for 3 weeks >< But it's okay!! I will do my best with it ;w;
> 
> This chapter is... mainly filler, I admit, and it's a little shorter than usual, but I wanted to upload SOMETHING because sometimes you need some filler, you know? I got about halfway through this chapter and didn't know how to end it for a while, so hopefully it's okay!

It had been two days since Regulus's broadcast on the news. Sirius was ignoring his phone and the outside world harder than ever - Remus had tried to get him to at least text Dorcas back or something, but Sirius had made it clear he wouldn't be told to do anything until he was ready, not in that area of things. So Remus had dropped it.

Sirius couldn't sleep. The curtains in his room were open, and the bedroom was bathed in silvery moonlight - not quite a full moon tonight, but it was just as bright to have been. Sirius looked up at it, at the winking stars on the smooth, pitch canvas that was the night sky, and tried to force his brain to quiet down. He was exhausted, but whenever he closed his eyes he saw his brother, or his father, and the one time he'd almost fallen asleep he'd been jerked awake by uncomfortably clear visions of being forced back home and his parents getting him in their clutches again.

Which, logically, he knew probably wouldn't happen. After gauging the public response to Regulus's 'coming out', so to speak, as Sirius's brother, Lily had been quick to assure Sirius that most people didn't seem to be falling for that shit. There were people on his parents' side, for sure, but most people seemed to understand that Sirius was a grown adult, and probably wouldn't have run away in the first place if he didn't have some sort of reason. Then there were the people who thought this whole thing was some bizarre scheme his family had made up, and in reality Sirius was just living in some secret basement of the law firm and the news broadcast was some elaborate plan to gain more fame and money, somehow. Which, to be fair, _was_ pretty in-character for his parents - apart from the whole thing where people apparently thought that Sirius was in on the whole thing, and was just living the high life at home while everyone panicked.

But still, it didn't matter what logic Sirius tried to apply to the situation, or what he tried to think to calm himself down, or how many times he mumbled "shut up" to his own brain. It just wouldn't _shut up_.

Maybe Remus had sleeping pills somewhere - surely he would, right? Sirius remembered the other keeping medical supplies in the kitchen, and he sighed, rolling onto his back to look at the ceiling.

To the kitchen, then.

The house was silent - it was no surprise, since it was almost two in the morning - until Sirius got to the kitchen, that was.

Of all the people to be up this late, Peter wasn't someone Sirius had expected. Though, to be fair, Sirius had barely seen Peter at all since he'd arrived, so it made sense the guy operated on a different sleep schedule or something.

"Hey."

Peter started, turning to blink at Sirius from his perch on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, where he was picking at a rather large bar of chocolate.

"Oh, hi. You're up late."

Sirius shrugged, moving to look in a couple of the cupboards. "Couldn't sleep. Thought I'd see if Remus keeps any sleeping pills down here, or something."

"Want some chocolate?"

"Uh, sure."

Peter broke off some of the bar and handed it to Sirius, who took it and bit off one of the squares, grimacing. It was incredibly bitter, and not in a nice way. "What kind of chocolate is this?" He asked.

"It's Remus's." Peter looked apologetic. "I think it's coffee, or something? I just found it."

Sirius nodded as he chewed, trying not to look too grossed out. "Yeah, I think I just discovered I hate coffee chocolate. Sorry, Pete."

Peter gave a soft chuckle and shrugged. "Remus is the one that buys it."

Sirius set the chocolate back on the counter and leaned against it, resting his elbows on the surface with a sigh and yawning. He looked at Peter. "Hey, so, um, I'm sorry, I know I've been here a few days and I haven't really, uh, talked to you properly, I guess," he said, hoping he didn't sound as awkward as he felt. "I've had a lot of shit going on."

Peter shrugged, giving a faint smile. "It's fine, I know. I don't even know how I'd deal in your situation, so I'm not judging you. Plus, I prefer keeping to myself, anyway. I'm not exactly involved with everyone else, usually."

Sirius nodded. There was silence for a moment.

"Um, don't take this the wrong way or anything," Peter started, "but personally, I don't... I don't get why you'd come here willingly, knowing, well, everything."

Sirius shrugged. "I'm an idiot?" He suggested with a mirthless laugh. Peter chuckled awkwardly.

"You're not an idiot," he said. "Remus wouldn't bring you over here if you were an idiot." He paused. "Well, I mean..."

Sirius snorted. "James?"

"Oh god, no." Peter shook his head quickly. "I was thinking more me, but I guess Remus didn't really _bring_ me here, to the US. I just... Sort of ended up living in his house. Like a rat, or something." Peter fidgeted with the sleeves of the sweater he was wearing, picking at a loose thread.

"You're not an idiot, Pete." Sirius said it without hesitating, regardless of how little he knew the other man. "And anyway, I've had pet rats before, they're cool. S'not an insult." He tried to give a reassuring smile, but Peter exhaled, taking another bite of the chocolate bar and shrugging.

"Most people wouldn't fall for a fake job listing, so I'm definitely an idiot."

Sirius frowned. "Fall for a fake job?"

"Tourism agent in Miami." There was an exhaustion to Peter's face that only seemed to intensify as he spoke. Sirius had barely heard the guy say two sentences since he'd come here, and he vaguely wondered how often people actually managed to have conversations with Pete. "Full training, paid rent for the first year, enough salary to send money home. Just pay for your own flight." Pete ran a hand through his hair, and scratched the back of his neck. "That was nearly three years ago."

Before the laws even came into place, thought Sirius. And hadn't someone said that Peter had only been at this place for a few months? Because... Right. James had mentioned human trafficking. Well, shit.

"I-I'm sure they made it really convincing," Sirius said quickly. "You're not... I mean, It's... I'm sure they get a lot of people like that. Not your fault."

Peter just shrugged. Sirius frowned.

"Surely Remus could, I don't know, fly you back to the UK, or something? I mean, he got me here easily enough. I didn't even have to do customs or anything, it was like a private plane."

Peter was already shaking his head. "Going out isn't the same as coming in," he said, eyes flitting from Sirius and back to the counter top. "I... I don't want to risk it."

Sirius bit his lip, and nodded. He glanced around the kitchen, trying to remember where exactly Remus had gotten that roll of bandages from the other day. Unable to remember, he started rummaging through cupboards and drawers.

"Do you usually, er, come downstairs when everyone's in bed?" He asked Peter.

"I prefer it when it's just me," said Pete around another mouthful of the chocolate bar. "Hearing footsteps all over the place makes me jumpy, so I rather wait til everyone's gone. N-not that they're not nice and all, but..." He trailed off, and Sirius glanced at him before opening another cupboard, finding.... Nothing. Well, no sleeping pills anyway. What there _was_ was a half-empty bottle of whisky, which Sirius shrugged and grabbed instead. May as well.

"You know, I kind of understand," he said, twisting open the cap and looking for a glass.

"Hm?"

"I mean, obviously not completely but my, uh, my parents were... Really shit. So I get, you know, being jumpy at things, and all that." Sirius place a glass on the counter top, and paused. "D'you want any of this?" He asked, gesturing to the whiskey. Peter shook his head, and Sirius poured what he hoped was about a shot's worth of alcohol into the glass for himself.

"Sorry about your parents," said Peter, as Sirius downed the shot and screwed up his face at the taste, before pouring a second. He'd have... Three? Would three be enough to help him sleep? He'd go with three.

"S'fine," he said, swirling the second shot a little and watching the brown liquid. "I mean, I've sort of come to terms with them being shit at this point, you know?" He snorted, and downed the second shot. It tasted gross, but if Sirius was anything, he wasn't a quitter. "I just wish they'd stay the fuck out of my business so I can forget about them forever. Every time I feel like I haven't thought about them in months, they just... Find a way to fucking come back." He poured a third shot, glaring down at the glass for a moment, before downing that too. He sighed, moving to rest his elbow on the counter again and resting his chin in his hand. "Sometimes I wish I could have that part of my life erased from my memory," he said. "But at the same time, I feel like if I did that, I wouldn't be me, you know?"

Peter was chewing his lower lip, and he nodded. "I guess I understand," he said. "But honestly, I was a better person before all the shit that happened. I _wish_ I just could get rid of it."

"Did you have a family, Pete?" Sirius remembered James mentioning his parents a few days ago, how he'd said he hadn't spoken to them in years. How he missed them. Pete nodded, lips tight.

"Not talking about that, though," he said quietly, taking another small bite of the chocolate bar. Sirius nodded.

"Fair enough. I guess if my folk had been nice, it'd be harder to talk about them while I'm here. But they're twats, so it's easy for me." Sirius gave a soft laugh, and sighed. There had been a time that he might have felt ever so slightly guilty about lumping Regulus in with the trash fire that was their parents. But at this point, after everything, he couldn't bring himself to care. Regulus had chosen his side.

"How did you leave?" Peter's voice brought Sirius out of his own head.

"What do you mean?"

"How... How did you leave? If your parents were, you know, _that_ bad, surely you must have been afraid of what they'd do if you left? What if they'd caught you?"

Sirius frowned. "I mean, yeah," he said. "Of course it was scary - I was scared as shit, especially back then, when it felt like, you know, my entire life hinged on me being able to leave that place. I lived on mates' sofas for like two years, or I lived on the street rather than go back to that place. But I wasn't about to waste my life being scared, either. I mean, why would you stay in a situation that's that bad, if you can just leave? Even... Even if it's hard to leave. Even if you have to try a few times." Sirius frowned. "I mean, it's easier said than done, but I wasn't about to let myself die there, you know?"

Peter looked down at his lap, still twisting that loose thread from the sleeve of his sweater around his fingers. "What if you might die either way, though?" He said. "You can't leave, i-if you might die if you do, surely?"

Sirius shrugged. "Easy. I'd rather be dead than live like that."

Peter frowned, quiet for a moment. "But... But not everyone can do that."

"Do what?"

"Get out from something like that. From being in... In that sort of situation, where there's just... There's just no one that cares about you, a-and it's just abuse. It's... it's hard. It's impossible."

Sirius shifted on his feet, brow furrowed. "You got out," he said.

"Yeah, because Remus got me out with like twenty other people. It was a coincidence. _I_ didn't get out. I-I couldn't." Peter's hands shook, and he pulled his sleeves over them, folding his arms across his chest. "If Remus hadn't gotten me out, I-I never would have..."

"You wouldn't have even tried to escape?" Asked Sirius, raising an eyebrow.

"I would have been killed." Peter snapped. "Sometimes people can't just 'escape'."

"Did anyone ever manage to escape?"

Peter was quiet for a second. "Well, yes, but-"

"Well maybe you could have-"

"But that's not _me_!" Peter snapped. "People _escaped_ because they could run faster, o-or wrestle guns off people, or because they could move quieter, I can't do those things! If I'd tried I would have died! I'm... I'm clumsy, and I-I'm slow, and I'm... I would have been caught. I was _scared_ , I was just... It was better to just..."

"Stay." The more Sirius had listened, the more a pit had formed in the bottom of his stomach. He could see the tears in Peter's eyes, as the other man glared down at the counter, unmoving. "I'm sorry, Pete." Sirius's voice was quiet. "I shouldn't have said anything."

Peter didn't say anything; Sirius knew the conversation was over.

After a mumbled goodnight, or good morning, or whatever time it was, Sirius left the kitchen. His head was still buzzing, and not just from the whiskey, and he went into the lounge to lie on the sofa, staring up at the ceiling with his hands resting on his stomach. Peter's words ran in circles around his brain, and the more he thought about it, the more they turned into something else... A memory. He'd been, what was it, sixteen? Seventeen? Regulus must have been about fifteen. Probably not too long before Sirius had left for good.

_"That's not me, Sirius!" Regulus had snapped, trying to keep his voice low as they stood in Sirius's bedroom. "Sneaking out to all those places, doing illegal stuff, running away? I can't just do those things like you can!"_

_"Why not? Do you want to just stay here, then?"_

_"Of course I don't!" There were tears in Regulus's eyes. "But you... You know what you're doing! You have a job, sort of! You have places to go, friends! What do I have?"_

_"You can't have any of those things if you don't go out and get them first, Reg."_

_"But I... I can't!"_

_"Why?"_

_Regulus had just looked at him, shaking his head. "I'm scared, Sirius. I'll just... If I try it and I fail, I'll have to come back home anyway. A-and then they'll-"_

_"Reg, I wouldn't let you fail. I'd have your back, I'd make sure you're alright!"_

_Regulus was already shaking his head though, like he wasn't even considering for a second that he could do anything but fail. "I'm scared, Sirius. It's better if I just stay."_

Sirius had never understood why Regulus acted the way he always had, why he wouldn't just leave, or why he wouldn't ever _say_ anything to their parents, no matter what happened. He wouldn't step out of line, not if he thought they might catch him. And he _always_ thought they would catch him. Sirius had hated it - he still did if he was honest, it still infuriated him to no end. But listening to Peter talk... He wouldn't say he felt _sympathetic_ \- not towards Reg, anyway. Peter's situation had been completely different though, hadn't it? Completely different. He didn't need to feel sympathetic toward his stupid brother.

Sirius huffed stubbornly, sitting up and wiping away a tear before it could escape. He should go to bed. His head hurt, and he hoped it was just because of the whiskey. All he wanted was to sleep so he wouldn't have to think, just for a few hours. Was that really too much to ask?

Heading back up the staircase, Sirius stopped on the landing when he heard a faint voice coming from one of the rooms. It was definitely Remus's voice, judging from the light coming from beneath the door of his study, and he didn't sound particularly happy.

"Well I only just realised how low I really was and- yes- yes, I know. Do you think I don't know that?"

He sounded like he was on the phone. Sirius hesitated - couldn't hurt to eavesdrop a little, right? As he thought that, he felt like he should probably feel guilty. But it only took a matter of seconds before giving up on the idea of guilt and padding over to stand outside the door, leaning in a little. Maybe it was the whiskey - he could always blame it on the whiskey, he thought to himself.

"Really? You can't get it to me any sooner - a _week?_ " Remus was saying. He sounded exasperated - Sirius could hear some faint noise, like someone on the other end of the phone, but he would have had to have superhuman hearing if he wanted to hear whatever the person was saying.

"Fine, fine. Yes, I know I should have said something before, but I didn't realise I was running out." He sighed heavily. Footsteps. Sirius panicked for a second, before realising that it sounded more like pacing, than Remus actually approaching the door. "Yes, I still have plenty of needles, you don't need to bring any."

The hairs on the back of Sirius's neck stood up. Remus was talking about that weird drug, he had to be. Unless he'd lied before and he _was_ secretly doing heroin or something.

"Yeah... Yes... Yes, I know. I have everything else, but I ran out of doses today, is all. I was supposed to send you an email about it, but I've been swamped with everything and it just slipped my mind."

Sirius's ear was all but pressed against the door now, and he didn't even realise he was holding his breath.

"I think the longest has been about two days? One or two days, I don't know, but I don't really see how that would make much difference. I haven't been without properly in... Gosh, years, probably? I've just had a lot going on lately is all, I completely forgot about it, really." Remus sighed. "Right, fine. That's... That's fine. I'm sure I'll be fine, it's not as though I'm going to die." He paused. "Right?" Silence again, then he exhaled. "Right, good, well I'll just take things a bit slower, then, I suppose. I can keep checking myself over anyway, so I'll just... stay away from anything dangerous for now." He gave a soft laugh, though it sounded more exhausted than anything else. "Right, well, thank you Severus. Just... Just let me know as soon as the next batch is ready, please. Yeah, I can have whatever payment you need sent over by tomorrow, just let me know how much it'll be, I can pay double for you to have it quicker for me. Yes, I'm sure, it's fine. I really should have said something before, but I've had other things to worry about lately. Yeah, no, things are fine. Thanks. Yeah, alright, goodnight."

Another heavy sigh, then silence. Sirius was too busy trying to piece together the half-conversation that he'd just heard, to get out of the way or at least look slightly less suspicious before Remus opened the door to find him stood right outside. The two of them started, staring at each other for a solid three seconds. Remus was wearing tartan pyjamas, and his hair was a little messy, as though he'd gone to bed and then got back up. Which made sense, since Sirius had been sure he hadn't been in the study before he'd spoken to Peter.

"Uh...."

"Sirius, what are you doing? It's half-past two in the morning."

"I-I couldn't sleep."

Remus raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Were you listening to me?" He didn't sound angry, but Sirius knew better than to just admit that he definitely had been listening.

"No." He spoke too quickly to really be believable, but Remus just narrowed his eyes, and nodded.

"Right... Well, did you want anything?" He asked slowly. "Why were you stood out here?"

"Um..." Sirius glanced back down the hall toward his room, and looked back at Remus. "I was just... I couldn't sleep." May as well start with the truth, he thought to himself. Give himself more time to think of a convincing lie. "I was thinking about... Stuff. Family stuff," he said. Again, the truth. He tried to think of some lie, something that didn't make him sound weak or sad or pitiable, but nothing came to him. And looking at Remus made him want to just spill everything that was in his mind anyway, regardless of whether that was a good idea or not. "And... And my brother. Brain wouldn't shut up."

Remus gave a slow nod, and his expression softened a little. Not pitying, but... kind. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. Sirius shook his head immediately, the motion jerky. He'd done enough thinking about family crap for one night, of that he was certain. He didn't want to talk about it too.

"God, no."

Remus regarded him for a moment. "Did you want to sleep in my room tonight, Sirius?" He asked.

Sirius blinked at him, before nodding wordlessly. He'd let Remus think that that was his plan all along, he thought. And what was he going to do anyway, say no?

Remus's bed was comfortable, as expected. It wasn't as though Sirius had never been in it before, just not at nighttime.

"You sure you don't want to talk about anything?" Remus's voice was soft in the darkness. Sirius shook his head, forgetting that it was pitch black for a second, but he heard Remus say "ok" anyway.

Silence for a long moment. "Hey, Remus?"

"Mhm?"

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"... You're not holding up any fingers, Sirius."

Another silence. "Remus?"

A sigh. "Yes, Sirius?"

"Do you have night vision or something?"

Sirius heard Remus moving - probably to cover his face with a hand or run fingers through his hair in exasperation, judging by the sigh that accompanied the movement. "No, Sirius, I don't have night vision. I just heard you shake your head. Go to sleep, ok?"

Sirius exhaled, chewing the inside of his cheek as he stared upward into the darkness, the duvet tucked under his chin. He could feel Remus's warmth beside him, but the other man hadn't made an effort to be cuddly, and Sirius couldn't decide whether or not he was grateful for that. Regardless though, he didn't want to fall asleep just yet. And he didn't want Remus to fall asleep either, and leave Sirius alone with his thoughts again. He scrambled to come up with something else to say, or to ask.

"Remus?"

"What is it, Sirius?"

"I heard you say you had needles before, when you were in your study." He paused, just in case, but Remus didn't say anything. Sirius might have imagined the other tensing beside him, he couldn't tell. "Can I use one when I need to do my T shot next?"

The other let out a soft breath. "Oh. Yeah, of course. When's your next one due?"

"Uhhh... Sometime this week, I think? I have them once every twelve weeks, so... Yeah, this week I'm pretty sure." Sirius usually set reminders for it on his phone, since he was pretty bad at remembering usually. He hadn't been great at remembering the shots when they'd been once every four weeks, never mind twelve. He'd been perfectly vigilant with remembering them for about the first year, but now it was easy to forget sometimes.

"That's fine. Just let me know."

"Thanks." Sirius worried at his lower lip for a minute. "Remus?"

He heard Remus inhale deeply, and Sirius pressed his lips together as he fought the urge to laugh at the other's clear annoyance. He supposed he was lucky Remus hadn't told him to shut up already.

"Yes, Sirius?"

"Do you think I'm annoying?"

"I think you need to go to sleep."

"But I can't sleep." Saying he couldn't sleep sounded less childish than saying he didn't _want_ to sleep, he hoped.

"Because your brain won't be quiet?"

"Something like that."

He felt Remus nodding slowly, and waited for the other to talk. Instead he felt Remus get up, the mattress shifting as he did, and he heard the other moving about.

"Where are you going?" Asked Sirius, sitting up in bed and squinting as he tried to make out the shape in the darkness that was Remus.

"I'm not going anywhere, don't worry." Remus moved to sit on the side of the bed where Sirius was, holding something that Sirius could quite make out. As Sirius's eyes adjusted more to the darkness, he could sort of make out Remus's face now he was closer.

"What's that?" He asked, frowning as he tried to discern what Remus was holding.

"Something to help your mind calm down a bit, hopefully." Remus reached out to run his fingers through Sirius's hair gently, scratching satisfyingly at the back of his head and drawing a soft sigh from the other. "You're gonna be a good boy for me, right Sirius?"

"Well, that depends," Sirius smirked, and Remus rolled his eyes and snorted.

"Let me rephrase, then - you _are_ going to be a good dog, and good dogs don't need to think. All you have to do is what you're told. Can you do that for me?" The gentle scratches on Sirius's head travelled downward, and Remus's fingers massaged the back of his neck gently, yet firm enough to help ground Sirius, making him relax as he sat on the bed, and he nodded easily.

"Mhm."

"What was that?" Remus's voice was quiet, and Sirius could hear the soft smile in his words.

"Yes, Sir."

"Good boy. Do you think you can sleep in your hood?"

Oh, so _that_ was what Remus was holding.

"It seemed to help you get into your headspace, is all," he explained.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah. Um. Yes, Sir."

"Good boy." Remus scratched Sirius under the chin gently before taking his hand away, and fitting the leather hood over Sirius's head carefully. He took a moment to fasten the buckles at the back, and held Sirius's face in his hands gently once he was done, inspecting the other. Sirius watched him quietly - it was strange, how something as simple as a mask, as Remus looking at him like that, talking to him like that, helped clear his mind better than anything else. Definitely more effective than the whiskey.

"You think you can be a good boy now?" Asked Remus softly., thumb stroking over the leather covering Sirius's cheek. It was no less comforting though, and Sirius leaned into it, giving a small nod. Remus smiled and leaned in to kiss Sirius's forehead. "Good." He stood and moved back around the bed to get under the covers, yawning as he did. Sirius yawned too, unsure what to do with himself for a moment as he watched Remus lie back down and look up at him.

"Come on then, come here boy." Remus opened his arms out for Sirius with a smile, and Sirius didn't hesitate as he curled up in Remus's arms, head tucked comfortably underneath the taller man's chin, the duvet wrapped around the two of them like a cocoon. Remus laughed softly and Sirius felt him moving the ears on the hood out of the way of his face, shifting them both so their position was more comfortable, and placing a kiss atop the other's head, on a spot that wasn't covered by the hood. Remus was warm, but not uncomfortably so, and when Sirius shut his eyes, he exhaled heavily as he saw nothing but blissful darkness. Remus's voice was gentle, close to Sirius's ear.

"Good boy. Now go to sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a lil FYI, I know a lot of American trans masc folk who are on T shots do them once a week and that's generally the norm as far as I'm aware! I'm a UK trans guy so I'm basing Sirius's trans-related things off of my own stuff, naturally, and over here (on the NHS at least) you go on one shot every 4/3 weeks for a while, then after a year or so you change to every 12 weeks if your levels are good. So that's not just something I made up lol, jsyk.
> 
> Also, yeah, now I've set myself up for having to write Snape in a future chapter lmao. I'm a masochist, what can I say?
> 
> Like I said in the other notes, life is chaotic lately, so I can't guarantee I'll have the next chapter up in a matter of a few days. BUT I have slightly more of an idea of what's happening in the next chapter, than I did with this one. So we'll see I suppose!


End file.
